delightfully irreverent.

the seminary experience. (part 1)

2009-12-10T20:53:00.000-08:00

it seems as if whenever i am sick, a blog happens. something about prolonged periods of time without human interaction that makes me just crazy enough to write out my thoughts.

seminary. wow. what a place. this is easily one of the most paradoxical stages of my entire life, which seems fitting when i see how much Jesus spoke using the same sort of mind-bending logic and heart that seminary requires. there is nothing about seminary that is as "figured out" as a person (specifically myself) may think it is. there is always a hidden truth lurking behind every thought, word, or deed. in seminary, the air in the atmosphere of this community will blow the cover off of the places in which these feelings lurk, and just as soon as this has happened, another wind will blow to bring it into the open - to bring it up for observation.

i am tired of being told this is all formational. i am tired of sharing my feelings. i am tired of being laid so bare in community.

i say this to say that seminary has provided me with many existential breakdowns, and i see many more coming my way. "who do you say that i am?" this is a question Jesus asks the disciples, but the more i think about it, it's a question i need to consider more myself.

who do you say that i am? who is it that i say God is? who is it that i say i am? who is it that says who i am?

i continue to search out the answers to these questions, and i always will, knowing that the truth i will find will most likely point to the fact that it is either a) something i've always known or b) something that is taught only through the journey or c) both and even d) yes.

and in searching out those answers, i am sure one day i will realize it really was all formational (somehow), that my feelings needed to be shared to prevent me spontaneously combusting, and that being laid bare in community is nowhere near as scary as being laid bare before God as a priest.

in my history & hermeneutics class, we have studied pre-exilic Israel all the way through the romans and into the deuteronomistic history, with many references to the new testament along the way, but through a clear lens of second temple judaism. i have never been a huge fan of the old testament, but this class has showed me something new and something beautiful about the old testament - it is the story of the continual need that humanity has. this is a need for God, a need for others, a need for identity, a need for restoration.

i guess when it boils down to it, i am so much like a post-exilic Jew i can barely describe it to you. i need God, i need others, i need to know my own identity, i need to be restored.

and that's what seminary is for me - an identity search. a prayer to God, asking God, "who do you say that i am?" somehow, when i ask that, God seems to answer that i am a priest in training, though i do not know how i ended up here, except maybe the fact that there is a recurring theme in the Bible of God picking the least likely subjects to do God's work.

this is scattered, and the verse isn't even explained in context, meaning it was exegeted poorly, but right now, this is about what i feel and how i struggle, so exegesis can wait.

and for the next two and a half years, i have a feeling my life will be full of feelings and struggles, as i cry out to God "Lord, have mercy... Christ, have mercy... Lord, have mercy."

amen.

new outlook on relationships.

2009-11-26T21:52:00.001-08:00

i have a lot of love in my soul, and God would not bestow so much love on me if i wasn't meant to invest it in others.

the only thing i don't love about austin is ALLERGIES.

2009-08-31T16:28:00.000-07:00

many have asked, so i feel it is necessary to update everyone on my health. about three days after moving to austin i started to feel a little tickly in my throat, which i immediately assumed was a sinus pressure/small allergy type thing, so got cough drops, took ibuprofen, maybe a little sudafed here and there, and assumed things would be fine. well, by last wednesday i had spent at least two sleepless nights due to coughing, so i decided to go see a doctor.

not knowing anyone in austin, a fellow seminarian (her name is joann - she's such a sweetheart and i LOVE her) recommended i go to a minute clinic, which is a small clinic inside of some CVS locations. i was down, so i went. (i should note, a seminarian named eric took me and he is a very kind person. we had great discussions about politics and austin, and he was very nice company. very appreciative to him.) i went to the minute clinic and the doctor there did a strep test and a flu test, both of which came back negative. she had seen many 5-day virus sorts of things going around, so she advised me to take mucinex, get rest, and that it should go away.

unfortunately, it did not go away. many sleepless nights later, the most recent sleepless night being last night, i realized something had to be wrong with me, because not only did i still feel bad, but i felt WORSE. constant throat pain, tickly throat, hurt to swallow, uncontrollable coughing sometimes, runny nose, mucus coming out of my eyes, blood when i blew my nose, ear pain, headache. there were just too many symptoms. so, this morning i went back to the minute clinic, with the help of kathleen who is absolutely sweet and compassionate and i am very appreciative of her. not only did she give me a ride, but she was really fun to have around when i felt like crap. :) anyway, the doctor (same one) told me she thought maybe it was a severe allergy infection. she referred me to a clinic that could give me better medicine choices, as apparently working at a minute clinic means hands are tied on some treatments.

so, off we went to bee caves medical. i waited about an hour to get to a doctor's office, but then once i was there i was treated REALLY well. the doctor believes i have a severe allergy infection that was bordering on bronchitis, as well as an ear infection. i was put on many medicines and i am currently taking mucinex, tussionex, singulair, claritin, and levaquin. i went to the store and got two bottles of pedialyte (one of which i have already finished), popsicles, oatmeal, lentil soup, black bean soup, chicken noodle soup, fruit juices, and sucrets to keep me nourished. the doctor and i discussed allergies generally speaking in austin, and it seems i'm going to need to pretty much always be on claritin and taking in a ton of vitamin c and basically ALWAYS be working on preventative care for my allergies. in truth, that works for me, especially since all that will do is make me more conscious of my health and will encourage me to be healthier as a person.

random note, but something i realized about myself today -- i am a huge proponent of using all natural herbal medicines, but i think (for me anyway) only as preventative medicine. once i'm sick, i want the antibiotic. but, that's just me.

on a very bad note, today's medical costs, which includes my co-pay, cost of medicines, and the foods i needed to feel better...... i shelled out $200. if you count what i bought last wednesday when i went to the minute clinic the first time, i am probably close to ALMOST $300 in trying to keep myself well. finances will always be bad, but this isn't making it any easier.

BUT, my new friend jessie has a mantra that i cling to: there is no scarcity, God will provide.

and i believe that. :) thanks for all the prayers, everyone. i'll keep everyone posted on how this sickness goes!

austin, tx. :)

2009-08-27T01:36:00.000-07:00

i haven't blogged in a WHILE, and for that i apologize. i've had a ridiculously hectic time this summer, juggling multiple jobs and then, of course, moving here -- to austin, tx. now that my move is complete, i'd like to keep you updated.

i have a cute 400 square foot apartment, with rent that's super low at about $450. i love being here and though it lacks the "erin flair" right now, i'm positive it will happen over time and you'll be able to walk in and know i live there. :P i live in close community to tons of other seminarians that i'm close with, so it's a very nice place to be.

as soon as i really got even somewhat settled and started attending seminary events, i knew this is where i was meant to be for the next three years of my life. when bad things happen, i may feel like this isn't where i'm meant to be, but i know there is an overwhelming peace here about my life and how i should be formed for my calling.

the only current bad news would be that i have a virus. someone i don't know very well, but someone compassionate obviously, took me to a minute clinic this morning and i was told i probably just have a random virus that i have to be patient with and just sort of push through. it's been difficult, because it's taken away a lot of sleep amidst SO much to do, but i know it'll be okay, i just want it to end super quickly. like right now. actually, speaking of right now, i'm awake because my sore throat is preventing me from sleeping.

a positive to being sick so early would certainly be that i've already seen so much kindness from the people around me. everyone's asked about me and done things for me and been super sweet. i love my class. while i feared that no one would be my age, there are many single girls for me to hang out with and really neat and wonderful younger married couples that are delightful to be around. i have no complaints about the people in my class.

since i got here, every night that i wasn't sick i've had the opportunity to go out with people from my class and had a fantastic time. people are super sweet and we have random theological conversations amidst silly conversations, which is just how i like my talks to be seasoned. i feel like i can be myself and i desperately need that. thanks be to God. :)

now that i've explained how great everything is, i should list my class schedule:

Biblical Languages for Preaching and Teaching: Hebrew
Biblical Studies: History and Hermeneutics I
Spiritual Formation of the Person
Liturgical Music I
Text and Context: Tools for Experiential Learning
Intro to the History of Christianity: Apostolic Era to 1650
Writing for Ministry
Liturgy and Ascesis: The Way the Church Teaches

Total: 16.5 Hours

the last class listed is the elective i want to take, so it could change if it happens to already be full. anyway, 16.5 hours is a TON, but i'm sure it will be alright. i'm not the first person to do this. ;)

tomorrow we get assigned work studies, which i'm so excited about, making me the hugest nerd ever, lol. i will blog what i was assigned to do.

OH. sunday i got to visit a church in dripping springs, tx and i enjoyed it. i can already tell i will be broken out of my understanding of episcopalian worship throughout this year as i visit churches, but i think it will be an interesting and positive experience that is very important for my formation. speaking of what i'm used to, i really really really miss st. mark's. if i have one lamentation, it is that i could not take my family, church family, and friends family with me to austin. still, i know this is for the best, so that i can break out of comfort zones and continue in the process of becoming who i am meant to be, with God's help.

i love you all and miss you very dearly.

two collects i wrote.

2009-07-27T13:41:00.001-07:00

saturday night, filled with nervousness and other emotional issues, i couldn't sleep and didn't know how to pray about what was on my heart. after praying a few prayers from the BCP, i decided to write two of my own. here they are.

O God, the healer of lepers and author of love: Guide us, too, out of caves of loneliness, hurt, and injustice; lead us into your loving community; fill us with the hope you give; and illuminate our paths with your eternal light; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

O God, the comfort of those who are alone: Give us peace in our solitary existence; remind us of the community you have built; wipe our tears when we cry; love us when we feel none do, for we know you are faithful; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Jesus 6:1-21 –- Miraculously Loving Others

2009-07-26T12:20:00.001-07:00

this is the sermon i preached today, which was my last sunday at st. mark's. comments are welcomed. :)

---

In the name of the One God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – who feeds us when we are hungry and meets us where we are in the sea, Amen.

A while ago, when asked what Sunday I wanted to preach next, I carefully studied the different texts for the weeks ahead and finally chose this week to preach, because I know the intensity of the text, as well as the fact that I wanted to preach on my last Sunday at St. Mark's. As the date grew nearer and I started to do my research of the texts today, I realized something about preaching on texts such as the Feeding of the Five Thousand and Jesus Walking on Water. I spoke with Tate a few days ago and I explained to him that in preaching on such a known story as this, and a story as powerful as miracles performed by Jesus, there is a double edged sword -- while it is a nice text to preach on, there is a lot of – responsibility – given to the preacher to bring a message that is even somewhat as inspiring as the story itself.

I've heard others speak on this gospel narrative before, noting that some scholars believe what "actually happened" was that a community pooled together their resources to ensure that everyone around them was fed. In doing my research, I found a scholar who disagreed. He writes that this idea "is put forward because some people just have difficulty in accepting miracles, or even in recognizing the power of God." Frankly, reading this upset me. I happen to love the idea of a community, knowing they were in the presence of a God that provides, providing for one another. It seems to me to be a picture of the people actually following what Jesus did, and emulating it. While scholars believe people followed Jesus not knowing that he would be an eternal king, and instead desiring him to be an earthly king, still -- the beautiful picture of a community emulating Jesus's actions strikes a very positive cord with me.

The same writer from before continues in saying, "The irony is that if this Gospel is about anything at all, it is about the difference between the way we think and the way God thinks. We are finite, God is infinite. Our thought processes are defined by the worlds in which we live, complete with our prejudices, our biases, our politics... God, on the other hand, thinks outside the box and brings about results that we could not bring about on our own." To this point, I wholeheartedly agree. But, with that point made, doesn't that make the idea of a community feeding each other, regardless of prejudices, all the more beautiful? Doesn’t it make the concept of people breaking outside of their biases and their politics to love others, all the more… Miraculous?

Still, many argue this takes the miracle out of the miraculous, and I understand this complaint completely. I do believe Jesus performed a miracle. I believe Jesus performed that miracle then and still performs that miracle now. When the text says that Jesus gave thanks, the word used for thanks in the Greek is eucharista, which is obviously the word from which we get the institution of the sacrament of the Eucharist. It is a miracle to think that God would feed the five thousand, but also a miracle to think that God feeds us still. This gospel narrative also correlates with the story of Moses and the provisions made by God to the people by feeding them with manna from heaven.

When we entertain the idea that the consecration of the Eucharist takes us into community with saints from the past, in the present, and who will be in the future, we take a seat alongside the five thousand and we look at the altar as Jesus gives thanks and breaks the bread that we will take from across the altar rail. So, really, the concern is not whether or not a community pools their resources, the point that is noted is that when the bread is broken and consecrated, we all pool our resources – resources of the mind, body, and soul – and take on the responsibility to give of ourselves and our prejudices to the point that we are willing to have community with ALL the saints and kneel beside anyone at the altar rail to each be fed with spiritual food.

It is important to note that the gospel text today is not only about Jesus feeding people. It is also about Jesus walking on water and meeting the disciples in their boat. I promise you, I will offer you no theories of what "actually happened" here, but instead rely on the narrative offered by John. Now, it is clear that the men in the boat were terrified to see Jesus walking on water. They truly looked at him with awe, knowing not only his power, but also the power he could have over them.

To digress for a second, I happen to be an absolute lover of the beach. I remember one summer I went to the beach and, after finding some alone time, I sat in front of the sea and dug my fingers into the sand. I love the feeling of cool sand between my fingers and toes. I pulled my hands out of the sand and happened to look at my fingernails, to find grain upon grain of sand encased within them. I was immediately struck with the beautiful image of God and the Church. While these grains of sand can fit within my fingernails, they also – together – hold the weight of the entire sea.

I wonder if we are the like the sand, seemingly insignificant and tiny, but called by our baptismal covenants to be the Church, and to live into those vows, so that we in our finite flesh may embody the great, vast, infinite God that rests on our shoulders, and moves like the sea. If this is the case, we too should be terrified like the disciples. We should stand in awe at the realization that we’ve been asked to live into this responsibility.

I do believe that God brings about results that we could not bring about on our own, but I also believe God often accomplishes this through the times in which we decide to actually live into our baptismal covenants. We are asked to seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving our neighbors as ourselves. We are asked to strive for justice and peace among all people, and to respect the dignity of every human being.

While the five thousand may have done it unknowingly, should we give into the theory that they fed each other, these five thousand seem to be living into the baptismal covenant. On the other hand, if we don’t give into that theory, it is still apparent that Jesus is showing us how to live into our baptismal covenants through his feeding of the people. And certainly Jesus was present within that as he stood there, just as Jesus is still present when we live into our covenants as the Church.

But, living into these vows is a responsibility just as great as the mighty sea that rolls and rests upon our shoulders, when we are as grains of sand within a fingernail. And in these moments, as we carry this responsibility, Jesus walks upon the sea and in his presence we are reminded of who we are and whose we are. Jesus meets us in the sea and says, "It is I; do not be afraid," and – forgive the pun – but miraculously, we feel some of the weight of the sea lifted, though we are still conscious of the responsibilities we have committed ourselves to.

As I speak to you on my last Sunday at Troy, I would like to take a moment to thank the church family of St. Mark’s for being the grains of sand that have joined with me to carry the weight of the sea. When I visited this church, I was welcomed into the crowd of the five thousand and invited to feast with each and every one of you. I’ve been fed with spiritual food as well as literal food. On a side note, when I’ve been fed with literal food from St. Mark’s, there’s always been a vegetarian option, and I appreciate that. I’ve sat beside you in pews and knelt beside you at the altar. Though there’s an age gap between myself and most of you, I’ve never been treated like a “little girl” and always as a woman and an equal – I appreciate your respect and credit this congregation with so much of the knowledge that has made me a mature young woman.

We have laughed together for sure, and you’ve felt comfortable enough to joke with me openly and honestly, and I’ve always known the heart of love behind each comment. Father Jeff has listened to me sob over the phone, but has never counted this as my weakness, which has blessed and lightened my heart. When it came down to the single most important day of the year in the life of an Anglican – Easter Vigil – you trusted me with handling the offering, the sacraments, the gospel book, and fire. I still have no idea why you trusted me with that, but I’m flattered. Speaking of miracles today, it’s a miracle you still have a church if you’re willing to trust someone like me with fire. You also trusted me with carrying the cross as crucifer for the first time, and just last Sunday even.

You’ve written me letters of recommendation, which has been a blessing to me. Thank you for giving of your time so freely so that I can go to graduate school. Your generous donations to the discretionary fund have gotten me through tough times and I will never forget that love that you’ve shown me. Just this past summer, I’ve had a discernment committee composed of incredibly loving people who asked me questions I had never asked myself and who have illuminated areas of my being I couldn’t have been aware of through self-inspection. You’ve helped prepare me for the ministry I feel called to, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I considered listing people by name that I would like to thank, but truthfully, if you flip through pretty much the entire St. Mark’s directory, you’ll find all the names I would have listed. Thank you for reading the gospels with me, but also for being living examples of what those gospels, as well as the covenants we’ve made with the Church, truly mean. When I’ve been a grain of sand beside you under the sea, if I don’t hear the voice of God saying, "It is I; do not be afraid," you are quick to relay the message and remind me of the peace that God offers amidst troublesome times.

When it comes to this community together, as well as each of you individually, I must say – thanks be to God!

seminary.

2009-07-21T21:35:00.000-07:00

i haven't blogged in forever, but joseph p. mathews, OSL encouraged me to do so through his own blogging about starting seminary. the truth is, just like pursuing ministry, this life transition is beautifully horrifying. on one hand, i'm thrilled about moving to a place i have never lived and experiencing things that will enhance my reasoning and help me out in ministry, which is a good thing to happen when a person is in seminary. ;)

on the other hand, it has started to become ridiculously clear how much i will struggle financially during seminary. (not to mention as i struggle through the classes!) the good news? i'm pretty positive every seminarian alive has struggled through seminary, and if not every one, every single one i've talked to. the financial aid advisor at seminary of the southwest in austin, tx said that struggling through seminary financially is formational for ministry, because as a priest you have to ask for money a lot too. i'm just going to tell myself, "it's formational... it's formational... it's formational..." well, i hope i will respond that way, anyway.

you would think it would be easier for someone going into the ministry to "just have faith," but i struggle with that with each passing day. i guess that's what happens when you're human. ;)

there are areas of my life i am discontented with, but i'm trying to, as derek webb says, "be kept guessing, with these blessings in disguise" and "walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes." as i write this, there is a gnawing feeling of loneliness in my gut, but there have to be blessings in disguise within the holes i feel in my heart. i just know there are.

thank you for any prayers that have been sent my way, because i feel them. continue to pray for me, if you will, as this little girl moves to a big city.

Pentecost 3 -- Gospel Text: Matthew 4:25-41 -- Jesus Calms the Storms of Fear and Doubt

2009-06-21T12:18:00.000-07:00

In the name of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, who sustains us through love and peace – Amen.

In the gospel text today, the first thing we notice is that Jesus encourages the disciples into this trip to "the other side." Jesus calls them to leave the "crowd" and venture into the Sea of Galilee, a sea known by the fisherman with Jesus to be dangerous and prone to storms. In the ancient world, seas were known to be chaotic, scary places, which harbored monsters of the deep that could only be controlled by the power of the ethereal God. Jesus calls them out of the comfort they know and into this sublime sea. The disciples faithfully take Jesus’s invitation, which almost seems to be the anti-thesis of foreshadowing, as we will see later in the text when there is a lack of faith.

For those of you that don’t know, I am a social networking guru. Enveloped in Facebook and constantly checking Gmail, and adding on a new addiction – Twitter. Twitter is a website that allows users to send 140 character messages to anyone that chooses to see their updates. A while ago, I got a Tweet, that is – an update from a friend on Twitter, from my friend Reed that read: "I am learning how close absolute faith is to certain doubt. Both steal silently into the heart." I immediately became captivated by the idea and knew I wanted to preach on this gospel text, because there was a common thread: faith and doubt. Why do we have faith? Why do we doubt?

Recently I’ve been reading The Preaching Life by Barbara Brown Taylor, so I can’t resist the opportunity to quote her in this sermon. In this book she writes, “God has given us good news in human form and has even given us the grace to proclaim it, but part of our terrible freedom is the freedom to lose our voices, to forget where we are going and why.” I have the suspicion that in that boat, the disciples forgot in the midst of fear, where they were going and why. Doubt had stolen silently into their hearts. They were not without their voices entirely, because they called out to Jesus “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” but they had certainly lost whatever voice of faith they had to accept Jesus’s invitation to the sea to begin with. It’s possible they did not forget where they were going and why, but they certainly forgot who they were going with. Still, we as the Church do often forget where we are going, because we don’t have a man following us around, napping just a few feet away that we can wake with our voices when they tremble with fear. Or do we? In the moment the disciples cried out, Jesus awoke, and the storms ceased, because the wind and the waters obeyed him then, and whether we struggle with this truth, the storms of our lives obey him now, and when we awake in the night, fearful and doubting, Jesus proclaims the same truth – “Peace! Be still!”

I believe that while Jesus did rebuke the disciples, he didn't rebuke them because of their questions, but because of their lack of faith when he was obviously present with them. That's the crux of this text - this narrative shows how the disciples reacted when they were present with Jesus, how much more are we prone to fear when our Jesus, Our God, Our Redeemer, cannot sit with us as a tangible presence while we sail into stormy seas? You see, I don't think Jesus desires us to quit asking questions, but instead, to seek after God when we are in stormy seas, and remember that our questions will be answered, though frustratingly in “the fullness of time,” and that in whatever storm we pass through, we are never without a God of Peace.

When Jesus spoke, he spoke peace into existence over winds that threatened the disciples. As believers called to be Christ in the world today, when we speak violence, we do not create peace. When we speak hate, we do not cause others to feel loved. God has the ability to breathe creation into existence; God also has the ability to breathe peace into the hearts of the disciples in this text -- but not only in this text. God continually breathes peace and love into the heart of the Church, building community through God's own creation of loving, welcoming homes and parishes. The Church Universal is called to be Jesus in the world and so, we are called to speak peace into existence into the lives of our friends, family, and anyone we come into contact with when the lives around us are thrown into stormy seas of turmoil. When we find ourselves in storms of injustice, we are asked to speak love and never be silent - we are asked to speak on behalf of the wounded so that through our outward expression of the inward hope we have, others may have hope and be healed.

Hearkening back to Barbara Brown Taylor, again she writes, “What appear to be death throes may be the strenuous pangs of birth.” In this text, maybe it’s both. As a Sacramental body, we are wise to remember the setting of this text – the sea. A perfect place for a baptism. The disciples find themselves weak in fear and scared to death. Pun intended. And because of Jesus, and Jesus alone, they are redeemed in that boat on those waters and in the wake of seeing Jesus’s power, believe in the glory of God when they once doubted. We who are baptized have also entered into this same sublime sea.

Speaking of the setting, the sea is a very primal entity to be what surrounds the disciples and Jesus in this text. There's no stop along the way to the other side to ask for directions. There's no GPS to ensure they know the way. There's no life preserver on board just in case a storm comes. Instead, they are taken into this completely natural setting with only one Savior - Jesus. Again, we too, as baptized believers, are not always given assurance that we know the way, or assurance that we will face no storms, but are assured that there is a Savior.

When the storms come in this primal sea, I think of creation - the cosmos coming about because God made order out of chaos. Exegetical studies explain that the word for “storm” in the text is also the word for “whirlwind.” The disciples were led into a sea of disorientation that led them away from the faith they had when they left the shore so willingly. In addition, scholars note that this same word for “storm” carries overtones of demonic power. In addition, the words “Peace! Be Still!” are the same words used by Jesus to heal a man possessed by a demon in an earlier Marcan text. When in these waters, it is almost as if the disciples were possessed by fear and doubt, and their hearts of faith were disoriented by their human reaction to fear and doubt the power of the very “ruler of Nature” that slept peacefully beside them in that boat on the sea.

I wonder if when we, as humans, are made from primal elements, some of those natural elements include fear and doubt, because that is how we are so naturally inclined to respond to the storms of our lives. And, because God knows us so intimately as our Creator, God places Jesus in the boat, so that someone can say to us, "Peace! Be still!" when we forget what it's like to feel peace and forget what it's like to know stillness. To go back to what Reed said, maybe doubt and faith steal silently into our hearts because they are a part of our creation. We have faith that there must be someone to save us when we are dry, but in the stormy waters we fear.

As I studied this text, something from the Book of Common Prayer kept coming to my mind. As many of you may know, I am currently being led into a life of uncharted waters as an aspirant for Holy Orders. One of my earliest assignments from Father Jeff was to read a certain prayer every single day, which I have tried to do. Surprisingly, with a somewhat scary text to preach on, it’s a thanksgiving – A General Thanksgiving, found on page 836 of the Book of Common Prayer. I use this to close, because I think the heart of this text may be to trust in God, as hard as that is, and in all things, to try to say – thanks be to God.

Let Us Pray:

Accept, O Lord, our thanks and praise for all that you have done for us. We thank you for the splendor of the whole creation, for the beauty of this world, for the wonder of life, and for the mystery of love.

We thank you for the blessing of family and friends, and for the loving care, which surrounds us on every side.

We thank you for setting us at tasks, which demand our best efforts, and for leading us to accomplishments, which satisfy and delight us.

We thank you also for those disappointments and failures that lead us to acknowledge our dependence on you alone.

Above all, we thank you for your Son Jesus Christ; for the truth of his Word and the example of his life; for his steadfast obedience, by which he overcame temptation; for his dying through which he overcame death; and for his rising to life again, in which we are raised to the life of your kingdom.

Grant us the gift of your Spirit, that we may know Christ and make him known; and through him, at all times and in all places, may give thanks to you in all things. Amen.

please?

2009-06-15T21:53:00.001-07:00

i don’t want to care about anyone anymore. and i don’t even mean this in a romantic way, just in a general way (though it applies to my romantic feelings too).

question: can a future priest quit caring about people?

answer: it’s hard to serve people when you don’t care about them.

okay, i’ll keep caring, but sometimes it kills me to do so.

the issue of love.

2009-05-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

obviously, the issue of gay marriage has been big in the media lately, so there's been a flood of commentary. most people that know me understand that while i am heterosexual, i absolutely adore just about every gay person i've ever met and want for them the same rights they want for themselves. that said, i've been watching the news and it's gotten me thinking. i have some questions i'm thinking about that i'd like to put into writing and open up to discussion.

disclaimer: i'm writing this from a Christian perspective, to create discourse about the issue of homosexuality as being a negative aspect to a person in the Christian community. because it's from a Christian perspective, i'm going to say things that won't be widely agreed with by people who don't associate themselves with Christianity. i'm not making these assumptions to be Christocentric, but instead, just to be clear about my thoughts on this issue in the Christian community.

so, God is love. i believe that with my whole being. and, if God is love, that means that God would be the author of love. God would write into all of creation the need for love and the desire to have and give love; God would breathe into the cosmos the breath of life and love. if this is true, and that God is love, wouldn't God be the sole authority on what love is? and if that's the case, and only God can define love because God is the source from which love comes, why do humans like myself quickly decide that we know how to define what love is, or what love isn't?

i heard a man on larry king tonight say this and i think it sums up my thoughts on the matter -- "You can't limit God; You can't limit Love."

naturally, this doesn't have to be completely about prop 8, but it was the prop 8 issue that got this on my mind. thoughts are welcomed :)

the chronicles of crazy -- health.

2009-05-10T22:25:00.000-07:00

hey guys,

i took my first zoloft today and we're just going to see how this goes. i chose to start this medication while i was still in the troy/montgomery area so that i would be in an environment i am used to, so that i guess my body didn't go through any out of the ordinary shock that resulted in negative side effects from the medicine. i know it takes a month or two to kick in, but i figure the side effects can probably kick in immediately, so i'm going to closely monitor how i feel in the coming weeks. today, i felt fine, though really tired, which could have simply been the two benadryl i took the previous night around midnight due to allergies.

anyway, i'm continuing talk therapy once i get back in troy, but am going to do that alongside zoloft so that if anything negative happens my therapist/doctor is close by to respond to my reactions.

generally speaking, i look forward to maybe getting back some of the chemical balance that i think my mind lacks. furthermore, i don't know if i blogged this or not, but my blood work said i was anemic, so i started an iron supplement last night. i'm very positive about regaining my mental and physical health.

as always, keep me in your prayers/thoughts and remember -- it takes someone strong to get help, so don't hesitate to do so if you think you need it. almost every single day i feel crazy for feeling the way i do and for needing help, but i quickly realize how crazy i would be to refuse help and try to figure myself out completely. best wishes to each and every one of you that needs help -- you're human, and i applaud you for who you are and the strength you have. :)

blessings,
erin

just in case you didn't know...

2009-05-09T20:57:00.001-07:00

i graduated!

thanks for everyone's inspiration & love. couldn't have done that without you :)

summer reading list suggestions.

2009-04-30T18:22:00.001-07:00

hey everyone,

i'm taking suggestions for my summer reading list :) leave some comments with books you <3 and maybe i'll read them and <3 them too. if no one comments or i just read everything assigned by my priest/already on my list fairly quickly into the summer, i'll just try to read the complete works of salman rushdie [excepting satanic verses which i have already read] in like a month :) i may even try to keep myself to reading (or attempting to read) a whole book every week. anyway, suggest something!

blessings,
erin

the chronicles of crazy -- i stopped counting.

2009-04-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

so, a lot has been going on - good and bad. i've dealt with a few situations of extreme depression [there was one whole weekend of awful, and another night that was about the worst one of my life], balanced (sort of) by incredibly great times with good people [wilco, ray lamontagne, and wesley semiformal].

i'm graduating in less than two weeks, so my life is changing. i don't have anywhere to live yet this summer in troy, am worried about paying rent wherever i do live, etc etc. on top of that, i don't know where i am moving for grad school. things have changed a bit with my plans, as i'm getting financial aid back from schools. now it seems i will move to either new york city or austin, tx. i've never been to austin, but it sounds rock-freaking-awesome. everyone who's been there thinks i'll love it. i've had days where i feel good about myself, and days where i hate my body. sometimes i'm completely okay with being single, then other times i feel like the loneliest person alive. all this is to say that i have many contributing factors to my anxiety/depression.

the biggest update is simply that i've continued my therapy and my therapist says i'm making improvements. we've discussed how to deal with emotions so that they don't become consuming, yet being honest with them and actually DEALING with them also. in other news, she and i have discussed antidepressants and i will be put on them soon. this summer in troy will be a good testing ground for me figuring out if medication is good for me.

my stress levels are ever surging and depleting, but i'm trying to continue being a support to my friends and a strong woman myself.

i'll blog again once i am on antidepressants, just to give updates on what exactly i'm on and my thoughts about taking medication for my emotions.

hope everyone reading is doing quite well :)

thomas the faithful.

2009-04-19T16:02:00.000-07:00

i preached this sermon today at the troy wesley foundation's CHURCH -- it's based on this week's lectionary text. john 20:19-31.

--

Thomas the Faithful

In the gospel text today, we find a story that has had much commentary over the years. In my past, I always heard that Thomas was the "doubter," and had a sensitive heart towards his dilemma. The truth is - we are all Thomas, and you have all heard that. Being Thomas is unavoidable. We each desire to touch God and know God so intimately that we can see and touch those wounds that Christ not only died of, but lived through. Still, the fact remains, we are not necessarily meant to.

There is a poem by Geoffrey Hill, the Anglican poet, that reads:

By blood we live, the hot, the cold,
To ravage and redeem the world:
There is no bloodless myth will hold.

And by Christ's blood are men made free
Though in close shrouds their bodies lie
Under the rough pelt of the sea;

Though earth has rolled beneath her weight
The bones that cannot bear the light.

There is the distinct idea within this gospel text that, to these disciples, there has to be some flesh and blood behind Jesus for them to have faith in his resurrection. While many want to make Thomas the doubter, we have to realize that the other disciples proclaimed joyfully about their interaction with Jesus because..... Well, they had looked at him. All Thomas asked for was the same opportunity. With that said, something about the disciples made them want to see Jesus in the flesh - there is no bloodless myth will hold. By blood, they lived, and were made free.

But, what about 2009? What do we do with this? When Thomas asked to touch Jesus's wounds, something really beautiful happened - God answered his prayer, whether the prayer had some audacity in it or not. As people living the life of Thomas, desiring to see and touch God, yet having to live on faith in what we do not see, God is still faithful to answer our prayers - God does so through the Church. In our baptism we are adopted into the transcendent body of the Church that ushers us into eternal life while we are still in mortile flesh. God offers us each other, calling us to touch the wounds and the flesh of our neighbors and be healers to those we love who need us, or even those we don't love that need us. God answers that prayer through the very tangible sacrament of the Eucharist, in which we touch the flesh of God in the bread and the blood of God in the wine. God answers our prayers through nourishing us with Word and Sacrament and relentlessly reminding us that while we may not be able to realize we stare into the face of God, we do - we just can't recognize our own, the same beautiful broken sinful people we are exactly like, as being mirrors of an infinite God. Still, the fact remains, we are made in God's image, adopted into God's family, changed in the waters of baptism into Christ's own, and part of a heavenly kingdom still trapped on earth. We are a part of this myth, this myth of flesh and blood that envelops us daily -- for there is no bloodless myth will hold.

To close, I want to leave you with some lyrics by Alli Rogers from her song, "Iowa." She's from Iowa, and this is about her leaving home. While I understand that as being the surface text, I also see a subtext - a text of yearning, of not understanding how to part with something that is loved, a text of questions, of being torn, of being broken, but -- above it all -- a text of living on faith and hope in an infinite God. I think we could all learn something in realizing that in living post-Ressurection, we are a field after harvest, trying to sow under a new sky. The process of having a soul that's weathered, yet green. Enjoy.

The song reads:

People change, families grow
There are hands I am holding that I didn’t know
back when home was a place
and I thought that growing up was a phase

There are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change

Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa

My soul is weathered but green
When a storm passes over the roots are unseen
until all is laid bare
and the hope that I needed was already there

Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa

And there are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change, but you haven’t changed

Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa

trust.

2009-04-16T20:54:00.000-07:00

so, when i first realized i had to answer my call to ministry so that i could find peace for myself, a single song really sealed the deal on me doing so and not neglecting who i am, and who i believe i am meant to become. well, today has been just as beautifully horrifying as answering a call to the priesthood. from the outset of pursuing this call, i realized i would be called to "trust the process" and that "my life is no longer my own." it sounds scary, just to hear that idea... but today, i realized how scary it is to have it stare you in the face, and how scary it is to answer to it. after today, i've returned to the same song of questions that i asked myself upon accepting this call. so, here it is, the hymn that continues to change my life:

"the summons"

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name? 
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
 Will you let my love be shown?
Will you let my name be known,
 will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?  

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name? 
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same? 
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare? 
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?  

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name? 
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same? 
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen, 
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?
  Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
 Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same? 
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around, 
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

  Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name. 
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same. 
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
 Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

blessings to each of you that read this night. be praying for me, that i am a servant of beautiful faith and that in doing so, i am given the peace i so desire and yearn for. whatever happens, i do trust my priest and my bishop -- i believe they truly love me as a person and want the best for me, so that maybe i can do something for the church, with God's help. i do trust the process, i just hope i am brave enough to make it through. and with that, another song that means a lot to me right now, though a lot of the lines are much harder than they sound i am learning that:

"if i'm brave" by alli rogers

I will find my place
I don't know what's going on today
But lead me down
Whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear

But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left

And if I'm brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
'Cause I have found
That the sweetest moment on this road
Is moving forward, not knowing where to go

And you have never left me
I have broken down
And danced around your truth
And you have never left

And if I'm brave I will
If I'm brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing's ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
And I still can't see your face

But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
And you have never left
You have never left me
And if I'm brave I will, if I'm brave

i'm trying to say, in all things, thanks be to God. love you all.

myself.

2009-04-15T08:11:00.001-07:00

i'm having a really hard time with myself right now and i think i just need everyone to be patient with me or something.
i'm a mixture of an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and much more.
i just feel ugly and disgusting.
if i'm distant, it isn't you, it's absolutely me. i'm in a state of trying to work my way out of hating myself and it isn't easy.
i'm very hurt, by everything. if you're reading this and think you had something to do with it, you probably didn't. i just hate myself. it's a me to me thing.
i'm not going to take very well to compliments, or possibly even to some help right now. it isn't that i'm unappreciative, i just don't think i'll believe it right now.
i really just don't believe in myself and i need to try to figure out what's wrong with me.
i'm sorry to anyone who looks up to me. i always want to be a person of strength, but rarely am. i feel like a let down, but there comes a point where i just have to try to let myself hurt.
i'm only making this public because i swore to myself i would be transparent with how i feel, starting earlier this year, so i am only trying to keep that promise to myself.
i'm seeing a therapist and will try to work this out.
i guess i am writing this so that maybe people won't wonder what's wrong with me, or think i'm weird or rude for how i may react to you. i'm just hurt, and i can't help it.

a sonnet.

2009-04-05T17:54:00.001-07:00

please, forget the rain - the memories
like drops collected into pools of cold.
the dogs would yelp and take away our peace.
we lay in fields of lilies, words untold.

please, on thursday leave the altar bare
and never let your feet touch basins of
holy water. then, a vacant stare
from your old friend, that sacred flighty dove.

please, earnestly step forward free
to speak a solemn word for those who live
silent and broken and abandoned in the
holy space - looking into faith as a sieve.

so in the hour of our death we find
a stitch of peace and glory undefined.

the american robin.

2009-03-22T21:47:00.000-07:00

The American Robin

At the dawn of Spring a robin nests
In windowsills of old money homes.
This, the second of her broods. She waits
For fledglings that live in Nature's Easter eggs.
Pure and new - those children will share in grace.
The Blessed Mother rises up on - no,
Not some eagle's wings - but her own,
And courage courses through her brick-red breast.
Time - Springs Forward - Her children born
Unto this world; Children broken from the
Azure shell. Her home - just mud to hold
The grass and twigs. Lined too with softer brush.
And at the birth no song can top her hymn:
Cheer-up, cheerily, cheer-up, cheerily.

the chronicles of crazy -- for anyone still wondering.

2009-03-21T21:43:00.001-07:00

i should update you all on the newest installment of my awesomely bad mental health, if any of you have been wondering how i'm doing. what can i say, it's been a while, eek!

things have been improving. as you may know, i went to a therapist for a while, but i am no longer visiting her. i am very thankful for the counseling i was offered, but there is a certain "fit" a person needs to have with their therapist, and i don't think we had it. i appreciate and enjoy her as a person, but it just didn't work out.

this past week i visited a new therapist, and things were positive, though i should mention it was a very "informational" meeting, because it was my first with her. we talked about a ton of things. she said she picked up some generalized anxiety disorder in the things i said, and depression. because of how bad my physical health has gotten lately, she's set me up with an appointment to have a physical examination and blood work done on wednesday, so that should be interesting. i definitely want to know how this ol' body of mine is doing.

outside of therapy, things have been interesting. currently, i feel the most existentially sound i have ever felt in my life. i haven't really necessarily "blogged" this, but as of march 6th i took the first step towards the process to the priesthood within the episcopal church. you have no earthly idea the peace it has given me to just accept that call and set myself forward in that endeavor, after discerning who i am.. and whose i am (thanks, father jeff). to show you the peace i have -- for the past 6 months up to march 6th, i didn't wake up and remember any dreams. after march 6th, i've woken up *everyday* and remembered dreams! it sounds like a nerdy stupid thing, but my therapist says i'm finally reaching REM sleep again, and i think a lot of that is because of this peace i've found in being confident in who i am, and who i am becoming.

now, don't read this wrong -- i still have a lot of junk to work out with myself. for one, my self-esteem is awful lately. i hate about everything about my body and rather than having day or two per week that i dislike myself, it's a rarity for me to actually like myself, and how i look. some of you know and some of you don't, but i've struggled with having an eating disorder from middle school to now, off and on, and it's surfacing as of late, which i'm going to have to divulge to my therapist soon. ugh. so, obviously, things aren't ponies and rainbows, but i have a lot of hope and i know there are people who can help me.

in short, all of life has positives and negatives -- i am taking everything in stride, with God's help. :)

ps -- small shout out: every week i meet with my priest so that i can properly "read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest" a plethora of things to prepare me for this spiritual journey i am on. in our meetings, we talk, and my priest is someone i consider the absolute best counselor/therapist i have. he is very perceptive, and compassionate, and we're very similar. he understands a lot of me that i think others don't, so any progressions i've made with my awesomely bad mental health most likely find some of their strength in his guidance and support. my church (st. mark's episcopal church -- troy) can also be credited as being my very present help in many times of need. :)

ten dollars.

2009-03-12T15:22:00.001-07:00

"Ten Dollars"

If there were a time to show someone that I
love God and people, it was in that moment.
Sitting on a subway, a man sat far
away from me, but his stench sat close by.
His clothes were torn and stained, and hair was some
sort of refuse of strings, held together by a
cloth that was maybe a hat for a while, but then
could only pass for a piece of fabric as dirty
as he was. The man held a bag of trash that he
stared at, as if he needed it - like it was
all he had. He bent himself over, to
hide his face I believe, and invested his eyes
in his pants, or the floor. I ended up on
that car, because when it flew by, it looked
empty and I don't like to be cramped.
A business man walked on as quick as I did;
We both eventually smelled him, before
we saw him. We reacted. I, breathing through
my mouth, moved away from him. The business
man darted, obviously, across the subway. I
think he thought he could share the story of the
man with those further down on the cart, as if the
poor man's smell hadn't introduced him
a while ago. Something in my spiritual being
churned - it was easy to affirm,
conceptually, the first and second commandment,
but to actually love God and love others
was a stretch. So, I plunged my hands
into my pockets, just to feel a ten dollar
bill. I decided the money wasn't mine
anymore, but had a Higher Power it answered
to, so I'd let it go. Still, I think there was
something truly sublime about loving
him - whether it was his clothes, or his
stench, or the fact he couldn't look me in the eye.
Something about loving him scared me; something
about looking at him made me hate my
skin, simply because it was clean. But, I didn't
want to sell my possessions either. I could
do plenty of things, but instead, I'll buy myself
a remedy for my guilt complex - it costs
ten dollars.

breaking the silence.

2009-02-12T21:57:00.001-08:00

i haven't written in a while, so i better get to that.

what's going on in my life? a lot of things i won't detail on the blog, but plenty that i will. i turned 22, applied to 4 out of 5 graduate schools, went to a diocesan convention for the central gulf coast, fell even more in love with the episcopal church and st. mark's specifically (i didn't even know it was possible to love it more), and am allowing prayer to direct me in many areas of my life.

on saturday, i'm flying for the first time. i am very nervous. my prayers have been said and my priest gave us a travel blessing. that's all i need, right? oh, wait, i forgot -- i am trying to get some anxiety pills and i bought dramamine. for modern medicine, thanks be to God!

that's all i can really tell you right now. i'm burned out and off to bed, but i wanted to update. please have me in your thoughts/prayers/whatever you do as i fly for the first time, but more importantly as i do my interview at general theological seminary, my semi-interview at union theological seminary, and as i travel to harvard. i just want to be myself, and for who i am to make an impression. my fingers are crossed!

thanks for any and all encouragement i receive. i appreciate each and every one of you reading :) blessings to you!

PS -- i got THIS poster for my birthday, and it is THE BALLS. INSATIABLE BATMAN BALLS! i love fred o'neal. :)

the chronicles of crazy (part 2) -- a week with no therapy.

2009-01-24T06:46:00.000-08:00

it's been a while since i've written anything about my awesomely bad mental health. let's see, things haven't really changed much, to be honest. this semester generally (especially after my one meeting with the therapist) have been better, but since the thursday before last, nothing drastic has changed.

this past thursday, my therapist had to be out of town, so no therapy. instead, i was given forms and questionnaires to fill out. i pretty much hate these sort of things, because questions are asked in a very "black or white" way, that obviously need explanation, or the correct answer is "well, sometimes, but not too much." instead, i have to pick "true" or "false." for some, my answer was "true/false" and if she asks, i'll explain.

i also got a different survey thingy that had some less than desirable results. there's a list of questions like "have you felt ___ lately?" "have you struggled with ___ lately?" and you answer yes or no. if you have (i think) 15-17 "yes" answers you may suffer from mild depression. if you have over 18, you may suffer from severe depression.

i answered "yes" to 23 questions. we'll see how that pans out. bleh.

on a different note, recently a friend of mine and i got together, just to find out that we both were dealing with the same sorts of issues. this friend isn't the only person that has said to me something to the effect of "yeah, i go to therapy too" or "i'm actually on zoloft" or "i dealt with that a few years ago, i'm glad you're going to get help, it really helped me." it really is interesting how i, for a whole semester, felt like i couldn't be real with myself about how i feel, while others did the same thing, just to find out that neither of us was alone. i'm already finding a lot of solace in the people around me, so here's hoping i can offer some support to those who need it also.

the chronicles of crazy -- part one.

2009-01-15T22:29:00.001-08:00

well, after my info-splooge about all of my mental health issues via le facebook and blogspot, i made the ultimate decision to keep being open about where i'm at mentally. i'll try to track progress, as well as pit falls, and keep those of you who desire to be a part of the loop, part of it. naturally, i probably won't keep it TOO honest, but i don't mind being open with people in attempt to a) be real with myself b) encourage others through whatever they have going on c) hopefully break down some of the stigma people place on anxiety/depression.

i went to the therapist today for the first time in my life. i was pretty much sick to my stomach at the idea of it, because it's new to me, and was nauseous when i entered. i don't trust very well, so i didn't let too much of my guard down today in our meeting. we basically talked about every day stresses, like school, and haven't gone any deeper than that. there was one question that got the answer of "i had a rough childhood and have a bad relationship with my father," but as soon as my voice broke i put that conversation to rest. i'm pretty sure eventually i will end up bawling every thursday, but not this thursday. i need time to build trust, which she spoke about today, in a very understanding way.

okay, time to break in with some funny moments:

1) when i entered after introduction she turned to me and said, "so, what's going on?" and i said "not much, how are you?" and immediately wanted to get up and leave for being an idiot. inner dialogue responded: "wtf erin, she didn't say 'sup, man?' she asked you what's going on in your life that makes you need therapy, ZOMG." now, i can laugh about it.

2) she brought up john calvin (her degree is technically in christian counseling, so spiritual matters get talked about a lot) and i thought that she was going to like, praise his theology.... then she totally slammed it. i decided that she can totally be my therapist now. ;) (j/k to any reformed fans out there, it just isn't how i engage God.)

okay anyway, basic consensus is -- i don't take care of myself mentally.

this lack of care for my mental health ends up being bad for physical health, also. while i think i knew this about myself subconsciously, being told that verbally should be helpful. part of that whole "being real" thing. when asked about my daily schedule, i told about my 18 hours of classes, to which she laughed and said "and you wonder why you're dealing with anxiety!" i laughed too, because i know that half the stress i have is what i've taken on.

we talked about triggers, which i guess i've always known were there, but never really realized they affect me as much as they apparently (OMG OBVIOUSLY) do. little things that tap into my psyche and snowball into "i suck" feelings.

anyway, she taught me a breathing exercise -- benson's relaxation technique (i wrote down the formal name so that i could talk about it properly in my blog.... NERD HANDS NERD HANDS) -- which has been ridiculously effective. therapy actually made me REALLY stressed, so i decided to take a short nap when i got back. end result? 30 minute nap stretched to 2 hours, and benson's relaxation technique got me to sleep quickly. i'm impressed. i usually NEVER nap that well.

she also advised me to make to-do lists for the next day before i go to bed, so that i'm not so concerned with everything i need to get done. i need to start journaling whatever issues i have throughout the day (most end up being triggers). lastly, she told me i need to start giving myself time for daily exercise (which i need to schedule ASAP) even if it is just taking a walk. but, the trick to taking walks apparently, is not to think about stressful things. pick something, meditate on it, and repeat it while you walk. we'll see how that goes. and then, the session ended with a prayer.

all in all, a good thing, but always tough. i think while it is going to be helpful to be raw about how i am, who i am, what i am... it takes a lot of struggle, and hopefully results in perseverance. we'll see how things go. until next time, i'm going to go soak up the juicy sleep goodness of benson's relaxation technique.

2008 in review.

2009-01-01T11:06:00.001-08:00

i've learned....

1-- the episcopal church is beautiful.
2-- very little competes with sam beam live.
3-- i trust my priest more than most people in my life, srsly.
4-- generally speaking, i should trust most people less.
5-- my skills in writing have actually improved.
6-- the things i write are apparently controversial, and hopefully that will fuel a career one day.
7-- being vegetarian isn't as difficult as i thought.
8-- while being a vegetarian is cool, i want to be vegan, but first need a kitchen.
9-- it's okay to ask for help.
10-- stuffwhitepeoplelike.com is one of the funniest websites i'm aware of.
11-- washington d.c. is entirely too cool.
12-- taking the eucharist and my baptismal vows mean the world to me. i also look forward to partaking in all the sacraments as my life progresses.
13-- tuesday nights at village coffee make my week.
14-- blue moon is my favorite beer (with an orange, please).
15-- all i want to do right now is see more, read more, learn more.
16-- unlike most people, i am literally giddy about going to graduate school.
17-- i actually have what it takes to be published (am up to 3 publications currently).
18-- i really want to move up north, or at least somewhere that isn't "the south."
19-- i truly believe in the beauty of an all inclusive Church and cannot see myself in a church that doesn't hold those principles.
20-- i really don't like Christian music, except for a few groups/artists and hymns, because i think if you're going to write songs for God you should write good lyrics.
21-- i really want to go hiking and camping.
22-- there is a lot of my skin i'm still trying to get comfortable in.
23-- i'd like to write not only for myself, but also so that others can try to find the same peace i desire.
24-- i lurve LOLcats and typing like them. "z" can end just about every sentence.
25-- everyday i become more of a counselor to the people around me, and i don't mind that.
26-- i may or may not have a calling that i will have to come to terms with, but not right now.
27-- i love being delightfully irreverent. i think there should be more humor in the Church.
28-- often times, i'm a token. i'm also an ally. :) (if you get that, you get that.)
29-- DING.
30-- failblog.
31-- i'm allowed to think in church. it's a REALLY progressive concept, but it's pretty awesome. (jaykay -- see my comment about being "delightfully irreverent.") :D
32-- i don't ever want a computer that isn't a mac.
33-- i might actually be a little crazier than i thought i would be. it is fun to be free.
34-- i like my men "trashy" (thanks, joseph). and by trashy, i think he and i should really just say "heterosexual, with long hair or facial hair, kthx." ;)
35-- i want to read more philosophy/lit theory in my free time. so i can be smart.
36-- i want to pursue studies in feminist/gender studies in graduate school, because my women's lit class opened me up to how studying one group of people who are subjugated leads to the study of many groups of people who are subjugated.
37-- arundhati roy's "the god of small things" might be my favorite novel. it competes strongly with cormac mccarthy's "the road."
38-- i really AM anglican. like, i think/act like one, too, and have adopted the anglican lexicon. woo!
39-- i love googlereader and other cool internet-y things that i can do cuz i have a cool computer n stuffz. :)
40-- the writing center is a super cool place to work. i love my job, my co-workers, and my boss (mrs. b). it's like a really cool job that has a really cool family.
41-- i want a cat.
42-- clare burson may be my favorite female vocalist.
43-- i really wanna go to kerala, india. and russia.
44-- my facebook IS CONTROVERSY. erin warde = real-o-meter red.
45-- no matter how much you love God you may never learn how to count or spell.
46-- fstdt.com.
47-- sometimes when you disagree with someone spiritually (or say "shit"), people tell you that you're a tool of satan.
48-- gerferberder is how i roll.

that's all i have right now. :) thanks to everyone who made 2008 really awesome and transformative. lurve y'all.

humility.

2008-12-28T18:50:00.001-08:00

tonight my grandmother and i spoke for a while, and rather out of the blue she asked me something. she said, "are you a happy person? you're a happy person, aren't you?" she asked happily herself. in an effort as of late to answer things rather honestly instead of reflexively, i paused. after a moment i responded.

"i try my best."

over the past few months, my life has not been pleasant. i don't sleep much at night, i cry instead, i have quick shifts in appetite and mood, i feel sick anytime i eat, i take everything personally leading to negative feelings towards myself, i question my worth constantly, my mind always races, and i live off caffeine because i'm too lethargic to live any other way.

for the longest time i told myself everyone lives this way, that i was just feeling sick to my stomach, and that stress was natural with my schedule. i don't think i can lie to myself like that anymore. i don't think everyone has forgotten what real sleep is like. (do you know i can't remember the last night i got good sleep that wasn't caused by me taking some sort of medicine that causes drowsiness? it's awful to not remember what sleep is like.)

i don't like to admit this. i don't want to be who i am, if i'm like this. i type all of this with the concern that if anyone reads this, they'll say to themselves, "oh, okay, so she's fucking crazy." i feel crazy in that i feel like everyone's going to think i'm unstable, unable to work, ready to fly off the handle. i didn't want to admit to myself that this is who i am, that i have a problem, that i'm human.

that maybe i need a little more help than others.

i decided the mature thing to do was to seek help. i'm not quitting school or anything, but i'll be going to a counselor when the spring semester starts. we'll see how that goes and what progresses. i'm still taking 18 hours of classes (happily), still working at the writing center (i love my job), and still graduating (thank goodness, fingers are crossed). i just might have to make some very intentional choices about how my time is spent outside of classes, work, and church.

my life seems to have created so many demons, and now i feel like my own body is one of them. i can't fight myself any longer, so i have to take who i am and handle it. i decided the mature thing to do is deal with this when i'm 21, instead of waiting until i'm 50 and hitting rock bottom or something. that would be a total epic fail.

when i decided this wasn't normal, i took tests online (dorky, i know) but all my concerns seem to line up with generalized anxiety disorder or severe depression. it was actually really nice to see that my symptoms/behavioral characteristics actually made some sense.

i'm seeking help. i'm not stupid, i'm not insane, i'm not crazy, and i'm not out of control. i think i'm just stressed more than some people, which has repercussions. i've been told a lot of this can be chemical imbalances.

i just want peace. i can't think of a single time in my life i was free of thought and worry.

also, i know there is a huge stigma about people who are Christian yet deal with these sorts of issues. there's the prevailing idea that these feelings start because of a person not "giving something to God," some specific sin that is reigning in a person's life.

if when you read this, your advice to me was going to be based around that, i'd prefer you keep that thought to yourself, with all do respect. i don't need to be demonized; i do that to myself enough. each and every morning i wake up and work out my salvation with fear and trembling, as the Bible advises. if the Bible is right, and a state of humility is the best place for a person to be -- believe me, i'm there.

the spiritual encouragement i need is community and compassion. that's what i've always understood real Christianity to be about, and that's all i ask for. as for specific spiritual advice, i'll be seeing a counselor who focuses a bit on spirituality, so she and i can talk that out. otherwise, i have a priest and i have the wesley foundation and i have any other spiritual confidants that i choose.

also, this isn't a note i wrote to spark discourse. if you disagree with something in here, that's fine, but the purpose of this is to write things out and feel some catharsis, not so that any of you can have facebook wars over your opinion on this, that, or the other. this isn't about opinions. if you'd like to talk about mental issues and your opinions on them, you're welcome to write your own note, but this isn't an argumentative forum.

this is just about me being real with myself and being real with my communities. the people i live with, the people i see at church on sundays, the people i take classes with possibly, the order of saint luke, the wesley foundation, etc. (if you're tagged, you're probably part of these communities.. and if you're not tagged, it isn't personal).

lastly, for a while now i've been known as someone who listens and counsels people through various issues, and some of you have been talking to me about your problems recently. please understand that just because i have problems of my own doesn't mean i am not available to help others through theirs. other people need help just as much as i do, and i'd be happy to be those ears to anyone who needed that (and i've been happy to listen up until now, no worries). so, if i've worked with you on your personal issues lately, you can keep talking to me. i listen to you because i love you and want to help.

in short, i don't know peace, but i'm working towards it. oh, and please don't pity me -- i'll be okay.

sometimes i go the wrong way so my GPS will talk to me.

2008-12-27T11:11:00.001-08:00

after many nights of family and montgomery-ness, i escaped to troy for the night with brittany, looking for fun, etc. before leaving montgomery, we decided that it would be good to eat at chili's before we left. ugh. neither of us had ever eaten there before and if i am ever picking a restaurant again, i will not be picking chili's. service was awful, followed by me ordering shrimp that was super fishy tasting (which i'm sorry but shrimp isn't supposed to taste like i ordered fish) which was promptly sent back because it made me gag. my final meal? mashed potatoes and chips and salsa. ummmm, not a lot of vegetarian (or even PESCAtarian) options available. thanks chili's. thanks for putting murder into just about everything you serve. so i got a side order of mashed potatoes, chips, and one drink (alcoholic -- summer paradise or something) and it was SIXTEEN dollars. um, that drink was not worth 8 dollars. thanks for not putting any sort of prices on your drink menu. but, alas, it was funny to laugh at how awful it was.

once we got to troy, we stopped at one of the i think 3 bars in troy -- the double branch. while this isn't a place i'd regularly hang out (it was rather sketchy, lol) it made for an interesting night. lots of laughing, strangely we met random people, good bartender, and some friends met us there (fred, ki, and glynn -- yay!). upon finishing there, we went back to fred and ki's apartment to hang out, then back to brittany's for sleep time. all in all, i pretty much have zero complaints about last night. it was random, and enjoyable, and not montgomery. :)

now, time to be back in montgomery for about 11 more days. woo!

new year's "resolution"?

2008-12-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

i personally pretty much hate things like making a new year's resolution, but talking to a friend last night about hers made me realize that i do, in fact, want to try to make a point to do something more -- and that's write daily. i am not saying it's a resolution, because i needn't put a name on it, but it is something i'd like to stick to doing. i'm going to try to blog daily, but it might end up being something i do in a journal, not for all of you to see.

in other news, it's Christmas, and i've had a good past few days. i received many things i'm very thankful for, and have enjoyed (for the most part) time with family. my sister gave me the movie Wall-E, which i think is absolutely adorable and i'm happy i have it. i got a beautiful pea coat, which i will need when i move more northern. i also got the satanic verses by salman rushdie, which is rather convenient because i may use it as a primary literary text in my guided independent study on post-colonialism. the only downside is that while i initially was happy that i wouldn't have to buy the book, the copy my mom got me is beautiful and i'm not sure i want to write all in it. so, i may buy a cheap used copy for studies and keep the other copy, or i may just go ahead and write in it. i also was given the vegan sourcebook. this book has pretty much solidified that i am moving towards being a vegan, though doing so pretty much requires me to move somewhere else, because on-campus dining doesn't really allow for me to eat right (ugh). but seriously, i line up with SO MUCH of the philosophy in this book, and as soon as i have a kitchen, i think i can totally use the recipes and live this way. also, i got a williams sonoma recipe book of all veggie dishes. i'm rather excited! hopefully this can lead to a general lifestyle that is a lot healthier, and mingles personal philosophy/spirituality with my diet and daily living.

in less happy news, i'm realizing something about myself that i have to figure out. it isn't pretty, but i'm trying to humble myself enough to trust people and deal with it. none of that is easy. being home helped me realize the magnitude of dealing with it though, so here i go... time to try to deal with it. bleh. i'm not really sure how open i want to be with it; i've only spoken to one person about it, so we'll see how that goes. the person i spoke to about it made me feel so much better about the entire situation, though i still have a ton of fears.

well, i didn't really mean to write this much, but i did. i've had a lot of downer moments this break (won't get into that), but i'm trying not to complain too much. here's hoping i get to see more of the people i was excited to see when i came home. i'm still trying to solidify new year's eve plans, but i'm sure that'll all fall into place.

hope everyone's having a good break from school/work/whatever, and that everyone has had happy holidays.

the existence of soul part 2.

2008-12-17T22:04:00.001-08:00

for anyone who reads my blog fairly steadily, you may remember a blog about "the existence of soul." when i wrote that, i was not making a statement of my own belief, but simply working out (through words) my thoughts.

in reading "new seeds of contemplation" i have new thoughts to add to the question of how soul and body interact.

a quote from thomas merton:

"Hence we say rightly, though symbolically, that the body is the 'temple of God,' meaning that His truth, His perfect reality, is enshrined there in the mystery of our own being. Let no one, then, dare to hate or despise the body that has been entrusted to him by God, and let no one dare to misuse this body. Let him not desecrate his own natural unity by dividing himself, soul against body, as if the soul were good and the body evil. Soul and body together subsist in the reality of the hidden, inner person. If the two are separated from one another, there is no longer a person, there is no longer a living, subsisting reality made in the image and likeness of God. The 'marriage' of body and soul in one person is one of the things that makes man the image of God; and what God has joined no man can separate without danger to his sanity."

i don't know exactly what commentary i could have on this -- it's beautifully straight forward, really. i agree with merton's words, he makes incredible points, AND a lot of what he's said goes against some of the logic i presented in my previous post, i think. this is good -- being challenged is good. i need to continue study this both through merton and biblically.

expect "the existence of soul part 3." :)

re-inventing morality.

2008-12-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

I read an article this week that speaks about Newsweek’s decision to write on the issue of gay marriage. You can read the article I read here. Within the article you’ll notice this quote:

“[This] battle among Christians is a battle over Christian morality, over the notion that God does indeed expect His faithful followers to conduct themselves according to moral standards which are expressed in the Bible and taught faithfully in Christian tradition. Our relativistic age has had a problem with the whole idea, and is constantly re-inventing the notion of morality to mean whatever we want it to mean.”

I’m not going to argue with someone about whether or not morality means things to people these days, because when I see parents killing their children and spouses killing spouses, I wonder if there is any morality, too. It is a very strong word, morality, and it is used often in spiritual contexts to talk about our actions, words, and deeds.

My question is this – how is the action of “re-inventing morality” horrifying when done in the name of gay marriage, but ignored in the decision to not turn the other cheek, not feed the hungry, not to sell all possessions and give to the poor? Because, seriously, who accomplishes those things to the radical extent that is expressed in the gospels? I certainly don’t. While I am not condoning the re-inventing of morality, I’m wondering why, as the Church, we can’t seem to either a) quit claiming that we do things in the name of morality or b) actually live up to the standards/morality the Bible has set.

At times, I feel like this all results in looking past planks to find splinters. Of sinners, I am the worst.

PS: I'd also watch this: interesting commentary from BOTH.

needless to say..

2008-12-14T14:28:00.000-08:00

it has been a while since i've written, but i thought i'd go for something a little less deep as contemplations on the existence of soul. ;) instead, an update, and something rather personal.

the past few weeks have been me trying to finish up classes, do them well, and get good grades. for the first time in my life, i felt like i had an honest chance at a 4.0 and i didn't get it. i got 5 A's and 1 B. while i should be proud of myself, being so close yet not attaining what i wanted hurts. i just wanted a good 4.0 to help my GPA before transcripts got sent to grad schools. so much for that. i got my B in the stupidest class i had this entire semester; the class i abhorred. i am still angry, but realizing that life goes on. c'est la vie.

otherwise, i have good news. i slaved over a paper for my women's lit class (my teacher does NOT play, she is amazingly intelligent and expects a heck of a lot out of her students, which is refreshing). thankfully, i got a 48/50 on the paper and my professor rather liked it. even more exciting, my professor sent me an email over the break about a conference at george mason university in VA that is based around post colonialism/globalization studies. she suggested a book to me and i am going to read it and incorporate that knowledge into my paper and submit it in hopes of being a presenter at the conference. if i am accepted, i get $250 and a wonderful resume building presentation opportunity. OH and i get to go to virginia. woo. the paper that i wrote was about one of the main characters of the god of small things and how she pursues her own self-consciousness relationally, and how in doing so she breaks societal norms. it's a very feminist paper, with two of the main theoretical secondary texts being "the laugh of the medusa" by helene cixous and "this sex which is not one" by luce irigaray.

also, i don't know if this was blogged -- i wrote an abstract and sent it to the people at the popular culture association and it was accepted. i'll be speaking at a conference in new orleans this april. i'll be speaking on the topic of the chretien de troyes arthurian romances and how the view of faith shifts between those narratives and the narrative expressed in the 2004 film king arthur with clive owen.

on a less intellectual note, friday night i went to auburn to celebrate my friend ethan's 21st birthday, which was a lot of fun. dinner at niffer's, hookah at insomnia, drinks at a sketch bar, what more could we want? ;) in all seriousness, it was a blast. got to meet some new people (lots of really interesting, intellectual, fun-loving, welcoming people) and i'm sure that ethan enjoyed his birthday blast so i was pleased with that outcome.

but wait, there's more! we woke up saturday morning at jill's apartment and decided to go to atlanta with a bunch of people we didn't know. random? yes. spontaneity, ftw. the only thing that was really ftl is that i ended up going to target and buying clothes, because i didn't plan to be not in montgomery for that long, lol. anyway, once there, we ate at taco mac (after a long walk to find it) and then played frisbee at centennial square (maybe that's what it's called?), got starbucks, then headed back.

again, lots of really cool people. for some reason i had a ridiculously short temper/nerve, and in retrospect i feel really bad about that. i hope i can hang out with those people again so that there is an understanding that anything i said that was short tempered was not personal, but very internal.

so that was my weekend. and today? today i've spent time working on graduate essays and am almost officially applied to MTSO. i have to send off transcripts, and i need to send off all the application materials to apply for their harding scholarship (full tuition and a $10,000 stipend) which i desperately want. still, i feel rather accomplished.

and now, a small last note that i would like to share -- why does the phrase "needless to say" exist in the common lexicon? the phrase is ridiculous and i have become accustomed to saying it, but am kicking the habit. if something needs not be said, then why would you say it? UGH. i don't know why it bothers me so much, but it just strikes me as useless. i'd love for someone to tell me a usage of it though, so that maybe 1) it wouldn't drive me crazy, 2) i could have a good reason as to why i say it all the time, lol.

and, that's all. it's a very scattered entry, but it's my thoughts. enjoy. say hey :)

the existence of soul.

2008-12-02T21:57:00.001-08:00

i haven't written much as of late, because i've been wrapping my mind around the ridiculous amount of papers i've had to write. while i might not be recording my thoughts, i still tend to be consistently coming up with questions and consistently seeking answers.

recently i had a thought, which has unravelled into a question/predicament. first of all, let me set the stage by saying that my spiritual views are not defined by a set of actions that one should do or not do in an attempt to achieve "morality." morality, you see, is a subjective term (societally). what is permissible to me may be an abomination to another, yet may not be that big of a deal at all to someone else.

my question though deals with the entire concept of people "saving souls." why is it that, so commonly, sermons that are trying to "save souls" are simultaneously arguing that souls need to be saved because the person is engaging in "immoral" acts?

let me explain my issue with the notion. the thing is, first - we are dealing with the concept of the soul. if a person happens to believe that people have souls, a person would (most likely) agree that the soul of a person is not hinged upon physical being. the entire concept of there being an afterlife gives the philosophical/spiritual assent that, because a person has a soul, a person can exist (as a soul) without their body.

with that said, why is the biggest concern dealing with how a soul exists, often things that are physical desires? drinking, sex, drugs... these are very physical desires, very much linked to our bodies. yet, we seem to gather that by a person doing these things, their soul is in jeopardy?

i guess i just believe these concepts are rather discordant, when i think about them. the crux exists in the fact that i do believe that a person's ontology is marked by the coexistence of their body and their soul. this would, of course, seem to suggest that i do think physical actions affect the soul. the thing is though, i don't believe that. while i believe they coexist, i'm not sure i believe that one of the two factors results in a soul being "in right standing," and such.

i guess the bigger crux, though, is that i am not comfortable with anyone being the legislator of this subjective morality and i do not believe that any person has the ability to "save souls." the entire idea of saving souls would stem from a person believing that they had an otherworldly power that gave them such rights. while i make the spiritual assent that many are called to do good things in the Lord's name (i believe the sacraments offer ontological change as well as mystical change and influence), i believe even these callings do not lead someone who is still living in their body, that tattered coat upon a stick, to do what i believe only the great I AM could do.

and, in closing, i just can't tell you (in good conscience) that i believe that i or anyone else existing physically knows how, exactly, to "save souls," because knowing how to do so would mean knowing a soul fully and it is hard for me to believe anyone on this earth knows any soul fully -- even their own.

(i enjoy having questions. there is a peace within knowing that i am striving towards perfection and testing everything and discerning what is good.)

hollow.

2008-11-27T23:01:00.001-08:00

i am currently going through a sickeningly introspective view of myself. i say sickening because i feel physically ill at times thinking about it. i am having a really hard time dealing with self and making sense of who i am. it is such a strange feeling, because lately i have felt more secure in erin warde than i have ever felt in my entire life, and just as soon as i feel so secure, something shifts and i am unsure. i guess my fault begins in that i believed i could ever be fully comfortable with self.

there is something innately about me that desires something i don't have. something i don't feel i've ever had. something that, because of recent surveys of past and self, i believe i may have pushed away while saying i desperately wanted. i can't decide if i have actively ruined this, or that something about me ruined this. it is a hard concept to deal with, either way.

i can come up with a ridiculous amount of things i should be and am thankful for, yet when darkness comes and i have no distractions, i am still on the verge of tears and hollow.

cosmic dance.

2008-11-25T23:05:00.001-08:00

a while ago i went to the peanut festival, and my friend ryan and i struck a deal. we would each write sonnets about fireworks, and we would present them to someone to judge. while i do not necessarily like this poem, it's the only work i've done with our little deal. we'll see how it is received. :) comments/criticism welcomed. (ryan, this is the best i can do RIGHT NOW. and don't take any of my ideas, EITHER :P)

----

Cosmic Dance

Fire screamed across the sky,
Green, gold, red, and blue.
Fireworks gave iridescence to the air.
Late on a Saturday night,
We closed our eyes, and still the sky
Appeared a cosmic dance of fire and movement.
Even through eyelids, we saw fire shoot;
Clear and brazen across the usual black.
The red held tight to the blue,
A curtsy was given to each other hue,
And together – they each danced,
Quickly, effortlessly, gliding across.
That night, the Light was seen and heard.
Stars, moon, sky – jealous, silent, lost.

confirmation.

2008-11-20T06:59:00.000-08:00

it took a while for me to post this to my blog, but it's official --

i'm confirmed into the episcopal church. :) thanks be to God!

srsly?

2008-11-16T21:57:00.001-08:00

"It's proof-texting, which is using the scripture to fit their opinion," said Hepp. "They are using the idea of love as the foundation of Christianity, instead of sin and God's will."

.......

now do you see why sometimes i don't want to claim Christianity?
sometimes it is easier to say "episcopalian," because at least then people will know my beliefs are probably out-of-the-box.
lol, oh well. in the fullness of time there will hopefully be resolution. and loving kindness. and no divisions. and people who love.

until then, i will say my prayers. and i will try to love everyone, with God's help.
(and those last 3 words are the most important, srsly.)

thankful.

2008-11-13T22:07:00.001-08:00

lately i've been given the opportunity to be a friend to some people, outside of just hanging out and laughing. i've been invited into these people's lives in the sense that they've needed guidance, someone to listen, and mostly i think just someone to look back at them and say "hey, you're not insane for feeling the way you feel."

i often need to have friends like that, and it has meant so much to me to be that sort of friend. it is ridiculously flattering to be invited into a person's problems, simply because a person has to humble themselves to a degree in order to ask for that sort of help, and be able to the person their speaking to immensely in order to talk about whatever it is that bothers them.

i'm thankful for the people who have trusted me lately. i hope i can always be that sort of person. :)

frustration.

2008-11-11T22:15:00.001-08:00

i hate jealousy.

it sows anger where i want to reap love.

i wish i could love the people i can't stand.

on being gay & Christian.

2008-11-09T20:55:00.000-08:00

truthfully, this dilemma is not something i face, though i would say i understand the issue to a degree in that i have to watch people very close to me battle with what they should do when they feel that they are both gay and Christian. (i preface this blog with that to stress the fact that i am not trying to say that i fully understand the issue, because i really don't, but that i would like to stress some thoughts i have based on my interaction with Christians in the LGBTQQ community.)

right now i have a very close friend who is trying to figure out how to feel about themselves because this person is Christian yet has recently come to terms with their homosexuality. we've talked a good bit lately and it's gotten me thinking a lot on the topic.

some gay Christians i've known have struggled at the outset of dealing with their sexuality due to something profoundly detrimental to them -- the thought that they cannot be both things, because the faith community they've always associated with has told them (either explicitly or subliminally) that they cannot be gay and Christian simultaneously.

what i believe Christians who are not all inclusive may not realize is that when this attitude is fed to people who battle over their sexuality, it leads them to have identity issues. i imagine some gay Christians feel like they have to reevaluate not only who they are as a person, but who they can be in Christ. this issue can't be written off as not a big deal. a person can't say, "oh well the bible says this is wrong so they just need to stop feeling the way they feel." to say this about a person is ridiculously insensitive, and certainly isn't "loving others," which is what the bible explicitly asks of people who follow Christ.

my problem is this -- if someone wants to take the bible literally, they can take the bible literally. i am not going to try to tell anyone their faith is "wrong" because of that (though i will disagree with the lens through which they view scripture). but, if a person is going to be a bible literalist, be a bible literalist.

think about matthew 22 when it reads, "'Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?' Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself. All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.'" [emphasis mine.]

if someone insists on literalism, shouldn't they take that literally? ALL the law and prophets hang on these two commandments -- to love God and to love people. if a person believes that all the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments, then when it comes down to a battle between whether the law was meant to be used to condemn or love, the answer would be love. when it comes down to the lens we view scripture with, it should be a lens focused around loving God and loving people. when it comes down to how we (as a Christian community) should react to homosexuality, we have to base our reaction in love. to do anything else would seem to go against what the Christian community has so plainly and directly been asked to do -- base all of our laws, prophets (which i read to believe our judgments and our conclusions and our understanding of how to interact as a faith community with our world) on the ideal that we should love God and love people.

what i think some people do not understand about their negative attitude towards homosexuality is that if you push the thought on someone that they can either be gay or Christian, not both things simultaneously, what happens when they cannot shake their homosexual desires? what happens if they decide that, because of consistently being told they are "wrong" and "sinful creatures," they leave their Christian communities all together and have deep, spiritual issues? the Christian community, i think, often does this to homosexuals and leaves them feeling alone, which is a state of being that the Body of Christ is supposed to be ending in the world, not creating. how can we say that we are "sticking up for righteousness" and "just trying to uphold morality" when the end result is that people may leave the very community we strive to create? there's nothing righteous and moral about pushing people away.

i won't fight someone on how they interpret scripture, because a ridiculous amount of people (if they heard all of my religious views) probably think i am a heretic for my interpretations, but it shames me to think that as a Christian community, we fail so hardcore at doing what jesus refers to as the two most important lessons we should learn from everything ever taught in the biblical gospel narratives. let me also add that i am writing this after reading the bible through a "literalist" lens, which is something i rarely do, so i am even trying to find some common ground between my usual way to interpret scripture and a form of interpretation that i don't often practice.

i also write this, as a heterosexual, because i think people often hear members of the LGBTQQ community say these things, and the overwhelming thought is, "of course they believe a, b, and c.... they're trying to justify their actions." i want to say these things as a heterosexual to show that it is not always a person trying to justify their own lifestyle, because being gay and Christian isn't something i've had to deal with, yet i still hold many of the same beliefs in regard to it as those who are gay.

you're welcome to have your own interpretations of things, but i am able to have mine too. i write this not to force this idea on anyone, but simply because i am having a disconnect in understanding how some "Christian" ideals have become "Christian," because of the points i see being made scripturally.

ps -- this blog was almost solely written to try to encourage that close friend of mine who is struggling with their identity in Christ. to them, i hope this helps you in your pursuit of self.

skin.

2008-11-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

she rises out of a lukewarm bath
her skin goosepimpled and shaking
when cold air hits her warm, wet
cleansed skin

hands clinging to her arms
her hair mats over her face
releasing a new shower of cold drops on her
scared skin

she hates the early morning
the shock of cold to her body
because like every day before she steps in
to new skin

election 2008.

2008-11-04T06:57:00.000-08:00

i would never tell you how to vote, because people doing that make me sick. i will also never tell you which of the candidates is the "Christian" choice, because the thought that God (in God's infinity) is boxed up and finds identity in some meager election for a governmental system that is human made is ludicrous. but, i will encourage you to vote (if you feel led, and have discerned a specific candidate you prefer) and i will support the candidate i've already voted for.

peanut festival.

2008-11-03T14:32:00.000-08:00

a few pictures to post regarding the peanut festival :)

for starters, i had an amazing time. i enjoyed laughing and being silly and feeling like a kid again. i hadn't gone to anything like this since maybe sophomore year of high school...

so, to explain --

i went with some of my best friends.

i got to ride this thing, making me a total baller.

we saw fun fireworks, and laughed a whole heck of a lot.

and the night ended with lesley and i getting pwned by the most insane ride ever. I HAVE BRUISES. (ding)

needless to say, wonderful weekend. will store this away in my college memories brainfolder, too. :)

i had a happy halloween, did you?

2008-11-02T14:50:00.001-08:00

i was hera, queen of the greek gods. notable feminist, and a big fan of peacocks. i ruled the party with my grecian pimp cane, and never stopped keeping it real.

but in all seriousness, i had a wonderful halloween. another good memory to store away in my "great things i did before i graduated from troy" category....

coming soon -- picture from the peanut festival :)

life.

2008-10-31T09:56:00.000-07:00

i really need to blog more, but my life is ridiculous.

confirmation class
CLASS
work
grad school stuff
sleep
friends
reading

it all adds up. promise i will try to get some new material composed this century.

jesus loves dinosaurs.

2008-10-25T20:48:00.001-07:00

how can you not love a jesus that cuddles baby dinos?
seriously.

everything in creation -- not just the two leggeds! right, father jeff?
:D

Those Who Have Eyes, Let Them See

2008-10-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

Last week I spent time in Washington DC with the Troy University Wesley Foundation learning about our nation’s healthcare crisis through the guidance of the General Board of Church and Society. I attended seminars focused around the issue itself as well as the ways in which a spiritual community should react to a needing world. I learned statistics about our nation’s deficit, as well as the amounts of people who are without healthcare. After all the statistics and the seminars I attended in a cool, comfortable room, reality was apparent when we visited Christ House.

Since December 24, 1985 Christ House has been an asset to the Washington DC community. At Christ House, the homeless and impoverished are provided with health care treatment, as well as a variety of other social treatments they may need. On occasion, people will enter with leg pains, just to find out that they’ve had diabetes for years and that the only treatment available is amputation. Other times, people enter just to discover that they have cancer that has been active and spreading in their body for years. Christ House offers every medical service they can for those that enter with extensive cases, but also focuses on helping people with smaller medical needs such as flu treatment and basic healthcare that is foreign to those that are living on the streets.

Outside of medical care, the facility offers everything from psychological, job, and narcotic counseling to those that enter into the Christ House doors. Every person who enters and agrees to the rules set out by Christ House is given a caseworker to help them get back on track with their lives. These people are not just given a warm place to sleep for a few hours, but instead are put in touch with people who can help them excel even when they leave the organization.

Visiting Christ House made every statistic I had heard enter into my mental scope of reality. The stereotypes I had grown up believing about the impoverished were ripped away. One of the biggest stereotypes spoken about had to do with drug use. Most people believe that due to drug addictions, people end up living on the streets. In contrast, often people develop these drug addictions due to their time spent in shelters after they are without a place to stay. Shelters are a huge opportunity for drug sales, so those selling narcotics often target those areas. The idea that those impoverished should have helped themselves was ripped away as the founder of Christ House, Dr. Janelle Goetcheus, spoke.

The reason Troy University’s Wesley Foundation goes to Washington every year is to not only learn about an issue, but also speak with Alabama state senators about the issue and inquire about the senator’s plans to work for governmental reform regarding the topic at hand. This year, after a day and a half of seminars and a visit to Christ House, I felt prepared to enter into the offices of Jeff Sessions and ask questions about the healthcare crisis. Though Jeff Sessions was not in Washington at the time, we still spoke to two of the people who work directly under him in legislative affairs.
“Hi, I’m Erin Warde. I’m a student at Troy University and excited first time voter. Yesterday I spent time with people who do not have healthcare when I visited the Christ House organization. Our nation is shoveling large amounts of money into treatment that I believe could be saved if we implemented preventative care. What is Jeff Sessions doing to help provide preventative care to those without healthcare in Alabama?”

The response was depressing. Apparently, the efforts of Sessions towards those without healthcare extend to supporting various causes proposed by other people, specifically things like prostate awareness month. I wanted to respond by asking, “what about those of us who do not have a prostate?” but I held my tongue. There seemed to be a huge disconnect between the heart I brought into the room and the response I had gotten to my question. I felt like we weren’t communicating; I was being told whatever had been rehearsed.

“Hi, I’m Brittany and I’ve received a degree in child psychology and I have a question for you regarding the S-CHIP bill. Our statistics show a large rate of children without healthcare with trends that show it to be increasing. Jeff Sessions voted against the S-CHIP bill which would give healthcare to impoverished children and I would like to know why.”

We were told to remember a few things. We were told to remember that sometimes, in the statistics regarding children without healthcare, children were counted who were transitioning between one healthcare provider to another. We were also reminded that sometimes children choose not to have healthcare. I felt like we weren’t communicating; I was being told whatever legislators said to themselves when the ache of humanity kept them awake at night.

It shocked me to see the different perspectives and hearts brought forth through the example of Christ House as well as the meeting with our state senators workers. In one case, where there was a call, there is now an answer. In the other, where there was a question, there is now still a question.

But my questions have now moved from my mouth to my mind, heart, and soul. Now that I am back in my college city, with my daily schedule back in action, I won’t try to tell you that my entire life has shifted. I have yet to sell all my possessions and give them to the poor. I still buy things I don’t need. I am not innocent here. The change occurred when the statistics I’d always heard stood before me in a hospital room, bandaged across the forehead, feeling the comfort of a roof, a bed, and food that was long overdue. It’s easy for me to throw away a pamphlet, it’s hard for me to walk past a person that I’ve looked in the eyes and forget that they exist.

The change occurred when I walked up to Union Station and saw a man sitting on the street with a sign that said “Homeless U.S. Veteran, Please Help” and a paper cup. Only a week previous I would have passed by, reciting what I tell myself when the ache keeps me awake at night – “He just would have spent it on drugs, anyway.” But that day, I gave the cash I had.

The change will continue to occur. Ideally, it will churn in my heart until I’ve written numerous letters to my senators voicing my concern, I’ve visited countless soup kitchens to meet needs, I’ve tithed appropriately so that my spiritual community can meet needs, and I’ve stooped in front of a many man with a paper cup and emptied my cash.

I don’t have the arrogance to tell you that I’m going to be the next Mother Theresa; I’m not disillusioned enough to tell you that I’ve wholly quit compartmentalizing my spirituality so that it extends only to where I feel comfortable. I can only tell you that last week, statistics took on a human form, and when I was stared in the face, I recognized them for what they were – reality.

washington, dc.

2008-10-08T02:20:00.000-07:00

i am about to hop in a car and embark upon on epic journey to washington d.c. 14-20 hours in a car. gag.

be thinking of me, praying for our safe travels, and especially that our hearts would be burdened with what we learn about health care and that we would not be spectators in the competition between government and oppressed citizens, but that we would compete.

i pray that i will always be an activist.

oh and don't expect any blogs from me until afterward. then, i will blog about the entire endeavor.

blessings to you all this week and weekend!

strange tragedy.

2008-10-02T21:19:00.001-07:00

the other night as i walked up to the back door of my dorm, i saw the greenest grasshopper rested delicately on the door handle. i knew it must be on its haunches, ready to spring. the quick movements startle me and make me tense. i proceeded to let out an "eep!" and head to the other door of the dorm.

later that night, i entered the back door again and as i headed up the stairs to my second floor room, there perched my brightgreen nemesis. i froze, and backed down the stairs. as i opened the door to leave and go to the other door, he sprang! i screamed and dashed out of the dorm.

i was frustrated because i had to go out of my way twice, but it was worth it to get away. i hated to see them jump sporadically the way they tend to do.

i walked into that same door today and something caught my eye.

it was a strange sort of justice to see Brightgreen lying dead on the floor.
the sort of justice that didn't feel just at all.

my hate for my ethnocentrism is growing.

2008-09-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

lately i am being ripped from the sad, sad box i've lived in for a ridiculous amount of my life. it's happened in multiple ways. i'd like to write this out, so that maybe someone else can be ripped from their own box.

for my women's lit class, we were assigned to read the 2007 nobel prize acceptance speech for doris lessing. i cannot tell you how thankful i am that dr. priya menon assigned this to us. in her acceptance speech, lessing didn't talk about herself, her accomplishments, or her immediate desires. she spoke about the desires of others. she spoke about the people of zimbabwe, who hunger for books. yes, they hunger for food, they live in povery, but still, a hunger remains for books. as i read about this hunger for books that these starving children had, i was stunned. and ashamed to even say i was stunned. i imagined if i were starving, i wouldn't be concerned with books.

but do you know why i imagined that? because i've never known a life without food, or a life without books. i am far more blessed than i realize and reading her acceptance speech reminds of that, in a beautifully humbling way. she speaks of men who learned to read from jam jars. i remember as a child, i first started learning to read by trying to read signs to my mother in the car, or her first reading signs we passed to me, and me repeating. but then, as i got older, i got books. i grew up in a home that was covered in books. right now, i have so many picky likes and dislikes within literature and i am almost ashamed of that too. maybe i just need to be thankful i have books at all.

moving on, also in women's lit class, we are currently reading and discussing the book the god of small things, which has also had an impact on me. it's an amazing novel, but i'd like to speak more specifically to the issue of how we perceive places and how they really are. the novel is set in india, kerala to be exact, and my teacher is native to that land. as we read, she tends to express to us what the place is like, from the perspective of a native.

today she told us something very very interesting to me -- kerala has a 100% literacy rate. i immediately was, again, surprised. stunned, i could say again. our nation is given these videos of children starving to death from "india" and we assume that these people live in a third-world slum that is horrible for them. while many areas may not offer their residents wealth that they need, kerala has something that a sad amount of americans don't have, and that's literacy.

lastly, a documentary that i watched twice last week has had a wonderful impact on me. the documentary is titled traces of the trade and it follows a family who can trace their lineage back to dewolf, the largest slave owner in the united states. the family members get together, some meeting for the first time, to go on a pilgrimage of sorts that takes them to bristol, where dewolf lived, to guyana, where dewolf bought slaves, then to cuba, where dewolf had slaves living and working for him. throughout the film, the family has to come to terms with the background that their family has and the shocking things that their ancestor did that gave them wealth. though the documentary notes that the family members do not benefit directly from dewolf, they must realize that having that family name has brought them large amounts of wealth, and that the ancestors of the slaves that dewolf owned are still, today, living in poverty, or at least in hard circumstances.

the documentary basically touches on the truth of white privelege and knocks down the attitude that "slavery happened years ago and doesn't really mean much today." i am thankful for watching it, because i grew up in montgomery, in a largely racist home. it's taken a lot for me to shed this attitude, but i believe i am finally working towards it, and this documentary helped. i truly suggest it.

so what now? i guess realization of my ignorance is the first step, a step i'm taking. i'm thankful that in women's lit we are studying a variety of cultures, which is broadening my understanding of our world. i hope to study post-colonialism, so that maybe studying that will further open my eyes to culture the world over and the negative effects that have resulted from many things. it's important for me to know the injustices that have occurred in ages past, so that i can hopefully be somewhat of an activist now.

in our judgment of other places, we need to be ashamed. myself first and foremost. we need to learn about places before our mouths hang open in shock when we realize that a place that isn't the united states has priorities we should fervently envy. we desperately need to realize that the united states is just another part of big, vast, beautiful world, instead of falsely believing that we are the beauty of the world in its entirety.

Matthew 21:23-32

2008-09-28T14:53:00.000-07:00

so, today at 4 i preached a sermon at the troy wesley foundation's ecumenical gathering called CHURCH. i figured i would post it. as a disclaimer, i'd like to mention that throughout the week i had a few ideas that i wanted to express in my sermon today (though thankfully i had not written it out) and many of those thoughts were in father jeff's sermon at st. mark's episcopal church. due to this, i shifted gears and wrote something rather different in regards to the text. i don't know if many would interpret it from this perspective, so be forewarned that it may seem a little strange.

----

After looking at today's gospel text, I think plenty of people have the tendency to use this to attack the chief priests and elders. While I think this exchange between them and Jesus does leave a sting, or maybe warrants someone saying "BURN" at the end of it, we have to remember that in reading it, we should humble ourselves so as not to believe we are above the chief priests and elders in our understanding of God. (Note: "Burn" in the "you just got told" way, not as a way of saying "burn in hell." The inflection of my voice made this obvious, but to a reader, it may not be.)

Jesus asks the chief priests and elders a stumper, a question that leaves them arguing for an answer. The question Jesus asks is, "Did the baptism of John come from heaven, or was it of human origin?" They argue, noting, "If we say 'from heaven' he will say to us, 'why then did you not believe him?' but if we say 'of human origin' we are afraid of the crowd; for they all regard John as a prophet." So, they answered Jesus, "We do not know."

This exchange is important. When put in a tricky situation, the chief priests and elders don't want to be wrong, so they argue. They try their best to come up with an answer that proves everyone wrong and themselves right, but see flaws in all of their arguments. Finally, in what had to be incredibly humbling to the chief priests and elders, they answer: "We do not know."

I think we can learn a lot from the chief priests and elders, a lesson in reminding us of how we often handle problems ourselves. We disagree with other people in the Body of Christ and so we argue. We try to come up with a way to be right, and prove others wrong. Sometimes we find flaws in our arguments, so maybe we proof-text to make our opinions more "right." Or, maybe we want to say something, but are afraid of the crowd. Maybe the crowd regards one view correctly, so in fear, we hold our tongue. We may even hold our tongue when it comes to something serious. Maybe when we have the opportunity to fight against social injustice, we look to the crowd and see that they have a different agenda. So we stay silent.

But then, we have to come to one realization. After all of our banter, our arguing, our searching, and our fighting for our huge desire to be right, one thing hits us -- "We do not know." We have to say it. We do not know. There are plenty of times we are asked spiritual questions that are a mystery. We even proclaim and celebrate the mystery of faith. Why then to we often push mystery away in search of answers? We seek to be above others in our understanding of things, creating our own sort of intellectual hierarchy. I believe we are all guilty of that.

Though it probably isn't the most preached message on this text, I would encourage you to think of how often you are a chief priest or elder. I've certainly relaized how often I play that role and arrogantly put myself into theological exchanges that I pray result in me being right and my adversary being wrong. It is a sad state that humanity is in, with it's dislike for humility. It was present in the attitudes of the chief priests and elders, and still exists today in myself and others.

And how does Jesus respond to this attitude? He reminds us that the tax collectors and prostitutes are going into the kingdom of God ahead of those with that attitude. Maybe we are not rewarded for the theological debates we win, but the times in which we humble ourselves before God and finally, and plainly say, "We do not know."

reflections.

2008-09-24T17:47:00.000-07:00

i've had a rough day, and wanted to reflect. not everything written here is bad.

-- almost everything today has gotten on my nerves. this hasn't ended yet. lots of things have made me irritable, and even things that are silly. i don't know why. most people have done something to annoy me. i'm just not in the mood to always crack jokes like normal. sometimes i can, then other times people crack jokes with me and they just aren't funny at all. it's been a strange, strange day.

-- i've been busy since i woke up. i had class 10 am to 12:00, small lunch break, work from 1-2, class from 2-3, work 3-4, work meeting 4-5. you know what i almost forgot out of that wednesday schedule? class from 2-3. i realized at almost 2 and had to run back to my dorm then to class. the only good news? it seems my classmates like my story titled "the shipmaker."

-- today i got an e-mail from jordan green, editor-in-chief of burnside writers collective, and it seems they're looking for more hardcore writers. i'm exhilarated and sincerely hoping i get to work with burnside as a more constant writer.

-- i slept too late this afternoon and didn't make it to wesley bible study.

-- i don't have a lot of homework, but what i have, i don't want to do.

-- the weather is still beautiful, with crisp clean air that i love. i just hope it progresses down this cool path some more. :)

-- i'm looking forward to funbookfriday which will consist of john fannin giving me lots of books, i think. maybe? just the possibility of new books makes me happy.

-- i wish i had something of worth to talk about. i want to write, but feel drained of intellectual abilities.

"The Koz"

2008-09-22T14:30:00.000-07:00

i'm submitting this for my non-fiction class tomorrow. major props to john nobles and ryan fucking charlton (yea, i said it) for their part in this memory. :)

-----

This August I enjoyed the excitement of seeing one of my favorite singer/songwriters, Mark Kozelek. Third only to Sam Beam of Iron&Wine and Ray Lamontagne in my list of favorite musicians, over the past year I had grown to love Kozelek's music and his distinct, melancholy sound. His lyrics are exquisite, and his voice strikes me as being a mixture of yearning and regret. Mark, affectionally referred to by my friend Ryan and I as "The Koz," was playing a show in Birmingham, of all places, which was very accessible and a must see. Ryan and I were dead set on attending and I was happy to find out his roommate, John, was going too. My only concern was the venue. A barbecue festival at Sloss Furnace? Barbecue festivals sounded like all out hick-fests and I'd only heard of Sloss Furnace as being epic in regards to its haunted house every October. I knew Mark deserved an epic venue uncluttered with hicks.

The smell of barbecue was strong and caught nostrils whole blocks away from the actual festival. My friends and I had parked rather close, but I knew that whether someone was going to the barbecue festival at Sloss Furnace or not, the smell had permeated the area.

"This smoky barbecue smell is going to be stuck in my hair forever."
It was a concern of mine, with my thick brunette hair that tends to trap smells and hold them. I looked pretty that night. My skinny jeans, black tube top, gray knit hat, and perfectly straightened hair. Straightened hair that now reeked of barbecue.

We meandered up to the entrance of the festival, when right as we went to buy tickets, what looked to be a father with his family who were leaving caught us off guard.

"Hey, are you entering tonight for the first time?"
"Uhh, yeah, we--"
"These are weekend passes. We don't need them anymore if you want them."

The man handed me two tickets and went on. I looked at Ryan, he looked at me, there was a mutual shrug, and we set off for the ticket collection area. John went to buy a ticket, which we had promised to split three ways in cost.

"Hmmm, there seems to be something wrong with the tickets, one second please," said the woman, as her brow wrinkled and she looked at the computer like a child who had just misheard her and not done what she asked.

I looked at Ryan with a face that said, "Oh look, these tickets don't work, how nice." As a reflex, my face flushed and I just started laughing.

"Ma'am, where did you get these tickets?"

I looked at Ryan, subconsciously trying to throw him under the bus by making him reply. In the wake of his silence I finally replied, "Someone handed them to me as they left."

“Oh, okay, well these have already been used for tonight, sorry."

As we walked away, I had one thing to say to Ryan: "I bet those people think we're total douche bags."

"Sorry John, everyone buys their own ticket."

We laughed and went to buy our real tickets. Tickets that would work.

"Hey, I'm back!" I said to the woman when I returned.

She laughed and we got our ticket stubs and went on in.

We walked purposefully, to try to find the main stage, yet at the same time probably looked really lost, because we kind of were. Holding our festival map like a paper compass, we found the main stage and surveyed the area. I first noticed how small and intimate it seemed. The ground we were standing on sloped down to a stage, which isn't complete with the almost kaleidoscope assortment of colors from lights. There were chairs set up, but most people seemed to just be standing around, or already locked in to their fold out chairs they brought themselves.

At the main stage, cigarette smoke overpowered barbecue smoke and I preferred it. Something about cigarette smoke made me nostalgic, whether it took me back to memories of live music, or sitting outside of coffee shops and talking about philosophy with some of my closest high school friends. Though I didn't smoke myself, the smell reminded me of good times, chill times.

I realized that I could most likely see Mark Kozelek play each and every song with my own two eyes. This was new for me. I often listened to live music, but rarely saw musicians play live music. It is a disadvantage to being 4'11". The slope of the ground, mixed with the size of the stage and crowd resulted in concert environment perfection for me.

Mark walked out onto the stage, and honestly, I knew it was The Koz based solely on his holding a guitar and waving awkwardly at the crowd. I'd never seen the man before, but I assumed that since he was sitting in the spotlight and center of the stage, he must be who I had paid to see.

Mark Kozelek is an awkward character. He spoke in almost short phrases, quickly I would say. He rarely seemed to be looking out, speaking almost as much to his shoes as those of us watching him. For some reason, his frazzled nature didn't surprise me. Depressing indie folk musicians rarely have a stand up comedian countenance. Something about their everyday attitude speaks of the songs they write. I imagine you can tell by speaking to them that they have, in fact, lived every hurt they've sung.

And so, Mark sang..

Cassius Clay was hated more than Sunny Liston....

He started off the set with "Glenn Tipton," which happens to be the first song of his recent album Ghosts of the Great Highway. When the song ended, I naturally expected "Carry Me Ohio" to follow, as it was the second song on the album, and my personal favorite. I'm pretty sure musicians rarely, if ever, play a set list that is their exact album list, but something about hearing the end of "Glenn Tipton" reminded me of listening to the whole album and left me expecting the next song.

Still, I was certain that when the night was over, I would hear "Carry Me, Ohio." The Koz had to play that song. It was my favorite. At one point in the night, I even heard a guy yell the song title out, a drunken request on his part. Mark would totally play that song.

False.

Of all the songs he played, he didn't play it. I can truthfully say that was the only downside of the night.

There is something about live music that exhilarates me. I am a writer at heart, but music has always been that unattainable love. I know it will never be a skill of mine but it still captures me. That might be why it captures me -- I can’t do it myself. I've always had friends that are musicians, some for fun, some signed on record labels. Many have succeeded, some have failed, and I've witnessed both end results. I walk around campus, or my neighborhood, with an iPod shoved into my ears, blocking out what's around me. I enjoy seeing a white-cloud sky and hearing a soft indie folk song in my ears. I like to watch someone sing a song they’ve written and hear their life experiences in the tone of their voice and the images they paint with their sound. When I listen to music, I feel like I’m invited into the dark crevasses of a stranger’s life, so that they don’t have to be such a stranger anymore.

And that is a little bit of what I felt that night. I felt like I was sitting in a beautiful haze composed of the emotion behind a man and a guitar, mixed with smoke and friendship.

community.

2008-09-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

my friend, joseph mathews, asked me to write a reflection on community to be used in the united methodist church's program B1 (which works through, i do believe, another program called the advance). this is what i wrote.

-----

Community. Whether a person finds it in their household, their campus, their family, or in the breaking of bread with perfect strangers, there seems to be an innate desire for it. The soul and body together seem to yearn for other souls, and other bodies, and experience relational disconnect when it can't be found.

Throughout my spiritual journey, I have encountered a variety of different Christian communities, or simply social and non-religious communities, that have shaped my perception of people and my understanding of love. A recurring issue that I found to be a setback in Christian communities was the immediate reaction of leaving something if it didn't appeal to the person in its entirety. Don't agree with what someone said to you one Sunday? Leave the church. Think the organization should do a different sort of fundraiser than the one they're doing? Leave the organization. Wish you friend would agree with you on that one issue you disagree on? Leave the friendship. In the name of preserving a righteous community, leave the community. This is the attitude I've found commonly, and embraced at times myself, that I feel rips communities apart.

In non-religious communities that I took part in, things were vastly different. It seemed as if everyone knew that they would come together, have different opinions on things, fight them out at times, but then still meet together again in a few days to do the same thing. Sure, there were relational issues that came about, sometimes friends would part, but it was different. It was more merciful, and dare I say it, often more seasoned with grace. People didn't get together with a group in the hope that, when all was said and done, they would all believe the exact same thing and approach the world as if they were all of the same perspective.

In community, a single heartbeat ripples through a beautiful collection of diversity. The Body of Christ should function with this attitude. When one eye in the body of Christ is hurt, or one foot in the body of Christ cannot function, in some way, shape, or form, the entire Body of Christ may lose its vision, or sit when it should stand. It is because of this relational connection that the community of the Body of Christ has that should call each and every member to hold dear to the First and Second Commandments. We must love God, we must love our neighbors as ourselves. When we do, that love heals the eyes and heals the feet and results in a divine vision and a community that stands.

the shipmaker.

2008-09-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

this is the first section of the short story i am working on. after this part, i put a page breakish sort of thing, and i've started working on the next section a bit but will not share it just yet. i've worked more on what i wrote before. i tried to put it in a better format that is hopefully easier to understand. i hope it does a good job building character and setting the stage for everything else. feel free to comment with thoughts. :)

-----

Walter Hinkle lived a simple life. Every morning the sun crept through his drapes and rested on his eyelids, bringing him out of a light sleep. Walter never fell into a deep sleep; any ray of light, or creak in the house, could wake him. He needed complete darkness and eerie silence to drift off. When he woke, he followed his routine.

"Walter, what do you want today?"
"Usual, you know that."
"I know, but I can't get a word-a conversation outta you if I don't ask you a question or something."

He didn't reply.

Walter walked into the Town Square Coffee every morning around 8:30. He functioned more robotically than humanly until he got black coffee in his system. Even with the coffee, to many, he still acted robotic.

"Tell me something you're gonna do today, Walter."
"I'm going to wait until you give me my coffee, then I am going to walk out of the door. I'm going to look for supplies I need, go home, work on something for a while, then eat and sleep and breathe."
"How fun! What you working on?"
"What I work on everyday."

Walter couldn't stand Martha, the barista at Town Square. She was in her mid sixties he assumed, and she fit the mold of the sort of woman that was in her mid sixties and lived in Newberry. She was rotund, the dimples of her face could not be avoided, her glasses sat the tip of her nose, and she talked too much. She tried to hide graying hair that was obviously still graying. She seemed to him like the sort of woman who, if she asked a personal question and someone answered it, would tell everyone else who came to Town Square that day.

The reason she always had to pull teeth to get conversation out of him was because he always avoided her. He didn't mind people, he just minded people who asked questions that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Walter lived off a disability check that he started getting years ago. He found out at the age of 39 that he had severe carpal tunnel, was developing bone crippling arthritis, and that he could not continue work. He had built houses, starting at the age of 18, right out of high school. He'd never wanted to go to college. Walter's dad worked with his hands, Walter worked with his hands.

"Son, whatever you do with your life, do something you can look at later. Something you can put on a shelf or take a picture of to remind you that you did it."

He thought a lot, but never felt like thinking alone should earn a man his keep. He needed to have a craft. His father made that clear. He needed to feel like he could hold something for long enough and it become beautiful. When he realized he could no longer hold two-by-fours for as long as it took to watch them become beautiful homes, he needed another craft.

He started to make small ships. He collected twigs from his yard and larger branches that fell from the oak by the tool shed. These he carved into being the hull of the boat. He looked at thrift stores and went to yard sales and bought old, yellow paged books that he ripped apart and used to make the sails. Every sail covered in words from books he'd never read. Every now and then he'd do a double take on the sail of a ship, seeing words he recognized.

"... nature, red in tooth and.."

Walter wasn't a reader, so he never understood how he would see words he knew. Later he'd notice a book of sonnets by Shakespeare, or early poetry by Tennyson sitting in the trash, gutted of pages, and it would make sense to him. Everyone quoted them, he couldn't avoid knowing their works. He never looked at the titles of books before he tore into them. It didn't matter if he threw away Emerson or a cheap Harlequin novel, they all made similar kachunk sounds when they hit the sides of the trash can.

"You don't even read Shakespeare?"
"What the hell does a carpenter do with a play by Shakespeare?"
"At least you knew he wrote plays."
"Just because I don't read doesn't mean I'm an idiot."
"Oh, you're still an idiot."
"And you're just an educated son of a bitch."

Robert and Walter had been friends since pre-school at Newberry Baptist. In Newberry, that's how people got to be close friends, they grew up together. The only difference is that, for close to eight years, Robert left. He moved away after high school, went to college, put his thoughts on paper, and returned to Newberry with a new level of pretentious conversation that Walter never could have imagined in Robert. Walter liked the new, educated Robert. Walter tended to be perceived by outsiders as an asshole because he wasn't into small talk and had no sense of humor. Robert was close to being the same way, only his attitude stemmed from his undergrad degree in English, masters degree in philosophy, and doctorate in liberal arts. Robert could deal with Walter, and that's what kept them friends.

One thing Walter couldn't grasp was why Robert returned to Newberry. He moved back and told Walter he was doing so because he wanted to "get a feel for Newberry so that he could write an autobiography that was true to self." Walter thought it was a bullshit way of saying that even after three degrees, he still got scared sometimes and wanted to feel comfortable.

"Comfortable? What does that even mean, Walter?"
"You know what it means. You want to feel like you don't have to fear something."
"Everyone fears, you can't avoid that. I wouldn't move somewhere to try to avoid the inevitable. Not to mention, I have an awful lot of comfort. Her name is Pam."
"Right, right, a wife. I guess another warm side of the bed is what some people need."

Walter never married, and felt himself to be a hollow man. He didn't blame himself; he didn't cry himself to sleep. Long ago, after his one bout with love, he had chalked it up to providence and left it at that. He thought too much, his bones were breaking underneath him, and he had little sense of humor. These were truths of his being he could not shake. There came a day when he decided that he was better off alone, because the only graces he had ever offered, he offered to himself. He had no reason to be concerned with romance anymore. He concerned himself with the work of his hands. He had accepted and made the most of this life, a life he was content with.

"You're going to die alone, and you're going to regret it, Walter."
"Says the man with the wife, of course."
"I'm just saying, I think it could brighten up your days a bit."
"And I'm just saying, I'm not Robert Allen."
"You sure as hell aren't."
"Robert, do you think dreams mean anything? And don't feed me that Freudian theory bullshit either. I'm asking you."
"Do you mean dreams when you go to sleep, or goals you have?"
"Seep dreams."
"I think it depends. I guess it could mean something, but other times I imagine it's just random stuff. Or, maybe it's random to you because you are having issues with identity that are so subconscious you don't realize they're issues you're having."
"I said no theory bullshit."

Walter had an attachment to a sort of recurring dream he had. There was a unifying factor, but then differences also. The unifying factor was a woman with changing hair. He thought he recognized her, because of how he felt when he woke up, but wasn't sure. Throughout the dream her hair would shift from being brunette, to auburn, and sometimes to black. He never remembered any distinct facial features, only her hair, and he knew it was always changing. He would always feel as if he'd seen a different woman, but in the dream and after, he knew she had to be the same.

The dream would include snippits of him being in a forest, cutting down a tree, then another snippit of a tree in a barren field, set on fire. Other times he would be on a ship, with the sail of the ship covered in words that appeared and ran across the sails as if someone was writing on it as he journeyed the sea. He never remembered what the words said. He figured he had no attachment to anything in the dream, but instead, just to the feeling he had when he thought about it.

you have no idea how much i am writing this in random chunks.

2008-09-17T21:34:00.001-07:00

shipmaker -- another chunk.

---

Walter had an attachment to a sort of recurring dream he had. There was a unifying factor, but then differences also. The unifying factor was a woman with changing hair. Throughout the dream her hair would shift from being brunette, to auburn, and sometimes to black. He never remembered any distinct facial features, only her hair, and he knew it was always changing. He would always feel as if he'd seen a different woman, but in the dream and after, he knew to recognize it as the same woman. The dream would include snippits of him being in a forest, cutting down a tree, then another snippit of a tree in a barren field, set on fire. Other times he would be on a ship, with the sail of the ship covered in words that appeared and ran across the sails as if someone was writing on it as he journeyed across the sea. He never remembered what the words said. He had no attachment to anything in the dream, but instead, to the feeling he had when he thought about it. It wasn't as if any image in the dream struck him, or made him want to decipher it. He just liked the thought of having a dream and remembering it.

my apologies!

2008-09-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

i'd like to apologize to anyone who watches my blog carefully (or watches at all, really) because i've been busy lately and haven't had time to find a computer and write much.

BUT last night i ordered a macbook, meaning SOON i'll have a personal computer again and can blog as i like! wahoo!

until then, best wishes to all.

in case you're tracking my publications..

2008-09-13T10:38:00.001-07:00

http://epfnational.org/dfc/newsdetail_2/28

weird, right?
my face is on the front page.
<333 epf.

shipmaker.

2008-09-11T20:46:00.000-07:00

i started working on this tonight, based on an idea i thought about when i was trying to help a friend write a poem. i'm going to see how far i can take this, and see if i can even turn it in for a creative writing contest. i'm concerned with the fact that i am writing as a woman, with a male character. i just want to make sure i appropriately capture the male psyche. any thoughts are appreciated. but do note, i am NOT done with this. this is just the first 4 paragraphs of what will definitely be a longer work. this is basically alllll exposition....

--------------

Walter Hinkle lived a simple life. Every morning the sun crept through his drapes and rested on his eyelids, bringing him out of a light sleep. Walter never fell into a deep sleep; any ray of light, or creak in the house, could wake him. He needed complete darkness and eerie silence to drift off.

Walter lived off a disability check that he started getting years ago. He found out at the age of 39 that he had severe carpal tunnel, was developing bone crippling arthritis, and that he could not continue work. He had built houses, starting at the age of 18, right out of high school. He'd never wanted to go to college. Walter's dad worked with his hands, Walter worked with his hands. He thought a lot, but never felt like thinking alone should earn a man his keep. He needed to have a craft. He needed to feel like he could hold something for long enough and it become beautiful. When he realized he could no longer hold two-by-fours for as long as it took to watch them become beautiful homes, he needed another craft.

Walter never married, and felt himself to be a hollow man. He didn't blame himself; he didn't cry himself to sleep. Long ago he had chalked it up to providence and left it at that. He thought too much, his bones were breaking underneath him, and he had little sense of humor. These were truths of his being he could not shake. There came a day when he decided that he was better off alone, because the only graces he had ever offered, he offered to himself. He had no reason to be concerned with romance. He concerned himself with the work of his hands. He had accepted and made the most of this life, a life he was content with.

He started to make small ships. He collected twigs from his yard and larger branches that fell from the oak by the tool shed. These he carved into being the hull of the boat. He looked at thrift stores and bought old, yellow paged books that he ripped apart and used to make the sails. Every sail he covered in words from books he'd never read. Every now and then he'd do a double take on the sail of a ship, seeing words he recognized. Walter wasn't a reader, so he never understood how he would see words he knew. Later he'd notice a book of sonnets by Shakespeare, or early poetry by Tennyson sitting in the trash, gutted of pages, and it would make sense to him. Everyone quoted them, he couldn't avoid knowing their works. He never looked at the titles of books before he tore into them.

strange thought today.

2008-09-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

so today, whilst sitting in old english class, i got to thinking about something. okay, so i was sitting down and i looked up to see a girl walking back into the classroom that was definitely already seated at the start of the class. i always look towards the front of the classroom, where the teacher lectures, and i sit by the door, so i am positive that this girl HAD to walk right past me to leave the classroom.

so here's what i was wondering -- what's the disconnect between what we see, and what we acknowledge we see? how is it that a girl can walk right in front of me and me obviously HAVE to see it, yet me take no notice, but then take notice of her return?

i know this is a really weird thought, but if i wasn't an english major i'd be a psychology major, so i think about these things.

you may know me.

2008-09-07T15:38:00.001-07:00

i think i am turning this in as "non-fiction poetry" for my tuesday non-fiction class. here's hoping this actually counts. worth a shot, right? it isn't really a good poem, but i wrote it today, so i am sharing.

----

i get a bottomofmystomach squirm
when someone says an old
flame's name, or asks me
what i believe.

i get to crying sometimes,
a lump in my throat, as a
collection of all the things
i can't be.

i get a heat in my face,
that surges from my ears,
when i hear that i'm ugly
or not enough.

i feel a bright red blush
appear on the apples of my
cheeks, if you tell a story i
want to forget.

i am a rush of feeling
screaming from my very face
and if you know what
my faces mean, you may
know me.

this i believe.

2008-08-31T23:14:00.001-07:00

i believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
i believe God loves those who are created by God unconditionally.
i believe that all are given the opportunity to be adopted into righteousness.
i believe in an all inclusive Church.

i am a heterosexual gay rights activist.
i am not ashamed of that.

i will love unconditionally, in the Christ-like agape way.
i will fight for justice on behalf of those who are oppressed.
i will embrace the notion that ALL means ALL.
i will extend my love past those that are like me.
i will love all races, genders, and sexualities.
i will not oppress those that are the "other."
i will not use the Bible to do violence to others.
i will love the unloved.
i will do everything in my power to do the work of the First and Second commandments.

... with God's help.

i have the tendency to fail.
i have the ability to pick myself up and fight again.

if i am silent when someone needs to speak,
if i sit down when i need to stand up,
if i am fearful when i need to be courageous --

forgive me, Lord.

this i believe.

manna from heaven.

2008-08-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

For the duration of the past summer, I fasted from beef, chicken, and pork. During the year, I had watched multiple friends of mine fast from the same foods for Lent, but I was non-denominational, so Lent was rather foreign to me. I made zero religious commitments to give anything up. In speaking to my friend Joseph who gave up meat for Lent, he shared with me a quote that meant something. He shared the words of Pythagorus who wrote, "For as long as man continues to be the ruthless destroyer of lower living beings, he will never know health or peace. For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed he who sows the seeds of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love." I am somewhat of a radical believer in being pro-life and nonviolent, so these words struck a chord. Should I be a radical writer of nonviolent and pro-life arguments, or actually give something up for it?

So, I gave something up. I gave up beef, chicken, and pork. "It can't be that bad," I told myself. "There's still pasta.. and rice.. and bread! I love bread. And then there are other kinds of pasta.. and flavored rice.. and, well, bread!"

And truthfully, it really was not that bad. Sure, bread, pasta, and rice got old.. but vegetables remained high on the list of foods I consumed. Not to mention, in case you weren't aware, there is no meat in chocolate OR sweet tea. The only place I can imagine there being meat in that would be on Iron Chef America, and there's no way I would have been eating that nicely. I lived in an apartment for the summer rather than being on campus, so I was able to cook my own food and eat just fine. It was not too difficult to abstain from those foods, simply because the ONLY food in the house (for the most part) happened to be food I could eat. But then, I went to Montgomery...

LeAnn is an old friend from high school days and when I went back to Montgomery for a weekend to see family, she and I got together to hang out. We stopped by Sonic to grab slushies before we walked around Eastchase, when I had my first encounter with breaking the fast I had committed to. LeAnn had ordered chicken fingers with her slushie, and without thinking, she had offered to share them with me, since neither of us were hungry enough to eat the whole meal. Three nuggets in, it hit me.

"Those were not BREAD nuggets, nor RICE nuggets, nor PASTA nuggets.. those were CHICKEN nuggets!" I yelled at myself.

Somehow, I had forgotten. Up until then I had cooked all of my food, so I knew I wasn't eating any meat. In this new environment, it had COMPLETELY slipped my mind. I literally felt horrible. It sounds silly, but I did. I had exclaimed out loud as soon as I realized it, and LeAnn watched my face flush, then drain in color. It sounds like I'm overreacting, and I probably was, but making vows to do anything is a big deal to me. Do I think God hates me for three chicken nuggets? Absolutely not. I actually think God was probably laughing at me for being an idiot, which is totally justifiable, because I later laughed at myself also. But, I had made a decision to fast from beef, chicken, and pork to reflect on peace and non-violence, and I had broken it, so yeah, I felt bad.

But, I got over my one mistake and continued with my fast. More mistakes ensued. I ate a soup that had beef fat in it, I ate ramen which uses chicken fat in its sauce packet, and there were a few other broths that I thought were free from animal products, but weren't.

I don't really think it was that big of a deal though, simply because of what still came out of my fast. Consistently through the summer people would ask me why I was fasting, or sort of look at me like I'm strange for giving up something as epically important as meat. OR they would assume that starting in late May, I had taken a job working with PETA. After being questioned again and again about why I was doing any fast at all, I began to get concerned that I was fasting for nothing.

"Why are you fasting? What has changed about you? If you're just giving something up to give something up, why does it matter? Are you just fasting to make yourself look good and all 'deeply religious' like? What does not eating meat have to do with promoting peace, anyway?" all happened to be questions that were either asked of me, or questions I asked myself.

Even if the fast wasn't doing anything, I couldn't dip out now. Then I would be an irreligious wuss who started a fast, couldn't hack it, and looked directly into the sky at God and said "My bad." Rather than feeling like that, I had to try to find answers. Naturally, the answers came to me through prayer, but not how you may think. A few years ago it dawned on me that I pretty much never prayed for anyone who was starving. One huge spiritual question that has always baffled me is why people are starving when Christianity believes the world has a provisional God. Since I can't really know the answer to that question, I just try to do my part in assisting in help efforts and praying that God, or anyone, will assist those that are starving and feed the hungry. When I realized I rarely do this, or even pray about it, I made it a point to pray for those who are starving when I bless my own food. One night though this summer, my prayer time went a little differently. It did not end with an "Amen" and instead, became something I wrestled with for quite a while.

I thanked God for my food, naturally, and then prayed for those that were without, as usual. It then dawned on me that maybe there is more outside of "peace" than simply what I conceive of it. To me, I was pretty much at the point of my fast where I was OVER bread, rice, and pasta. Seriously, I had been eating it for months. It was gross, it all tasted the same, and I wanted a steak pronto. Or a burger, and NOT a Boca burger, because those were horrible. It was in that moment that I realized some people alive today would kill to eat a Boca burger, or pasta, or bread, or rice. It could literally serve as a four course meal of the highest grandeur in some areas.

Yes, there were frustrating days in my fast. I went to at least two barbecue's that involved me eating chips and dip the entire night while smelling chicken and ribs, I went out for chinese and couldn't get honey chicken, I had to order a veggie burger at Ruby Tuesday's that TRULY tasted like a dirt patty, and sometimes when I went out for Italian I had to request that they take out of the pasta dish everything that makes it amazing (read: chicken and bacon and such). Still, I think my fast this summer helped me realize that peace isn't the same for everyone. Peace for me may occur when I don't have to scramble to pay a bill, while peace to another may be eating a cup of rice. I am quick to complain, slow to realize my blessings. I wondered all summer what this fast could have to do with peace and non-violence, or how any of this would matter later, when I was back to Burger King and Outback. What does this have to do with maintaining peace?

I think the end result is that I am thankful, and I've realized that there is a peace that lies within thankfulness, too. When I pray and realize my rice, bread, and pasta are something, that they are sustenance still, I realize that I should be thankful. And when I am thankful, even if only for a moment, I have realized that I don't need to clamor for more. In that moment, I know that I am provided for, and that puts me at peace.

The truth is though, that peace should not be so still and quiet that it does not rouse my heart to do something for those that are not at peace, for those that are hungry, for those that are searching for something to be thankful for. This summer has encouraged me to promote peace and nonviolence through serving others in such a way that meets needs and helps sustain. Only in doing so can I help others reach the peace I've reached myself.

how God interacts.

2008-08-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about deism and its relation to Christianity. i have some extended thoughts about that, which i can blog some other time, but for right now i want to voice a simple curiousity i have. the reason i bring up "deism" is simply because it is a belief in a god that does not interact with humanity after creation.

i have been entertaining the issue of how God interacts with humanity. i am often disconcerted when i hear people theorize that God has done something to someone else, or that God has "led" someone, or especially if i hear someone say they "know God's will for themselves." but, my disconcertion and my doubt about those ideas makes me feel blasphemous just the same. i know it is cynical of me, but i often feel very much like those opinions are spoken/written flippantly. truthfully, i could say that God "led" me to being a writer of theological books, but i feel the sensible thing to say is that i have a talent (writing) which i am passionate about that i am pursuing as a career. you can see the difference here in diction. i am not saying God has told me i have to be a writer, or that i basically sat on my rear waiting on God to send me an e-mail telling me what to do with my life. instead, i acknowledge the gifts i have and because of my devotion to my faith i've decided to apply them towards the first and second commandment.

i know that i believe that Divinity interacted with humanity in the Christ event, what with divinity taking on flesh and being in community with humankind. i also know that i believe the Holy Spirit exists as a way for humankind to communicate with God right now. the thing is though, i'm not sure that i believe the Holy Spirit does things the way most would believe.

i believe the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, and that in that, our small humanity can engage the vastness of God. i believe that in prayer and petition the Holy Sprit can impart peace upon those that call on the name of the Lord. i believe that within the hold of the Holy Spirit the transformative gospel written years before can still transform the world we know today.

my problem with other opinions about what the Trinity "does" is that they often focus around God doing things that i think are far outside of the nature (as i perceive it) of God. or, maybe i just don't have enough faith to believe that God works like that and i am at fault.

the thing is, i don't put miracles past God. truly i don't. but what if God's miracles are being accomplished solely through the willingness of humankind to love? i just.... i read verses in which Christ states that the kingdom of God (the Church, the Body, what have you) will do greater things than Jesus did, and i feel like when people say "oh well, God will take care of that, i needn't do anything" the Church can easily brush off the need to love other people, work for the human rights of others, feed the hungry, clothe the unclothed, medicate the sick, speak for the mute, create a vision for the blind. in putting everything off on God, the church in turn scapegoats God when things don't get done. in shoving away all responsibility to be Jesus in the world today, the first and second commandment are not accomplished.

i have a lot of thoughts on this topic and i am still in the process of figuring out how i feel. please excuse my confused honesty.

embracing powers higher than ourselves.

2008-08-16T15:09:00.001-07:00

tomorrow i will be preaching at a youth rally at mt. zion united methodist church in andalusia, alabama. with my sermon written, i figured i would post it to my blog just to share. thoughts are, as always, welcomed.

-----

Embracing Powers Higher Than Ourselves

I look forward to this year more than any previous. Certainly, I am excited about graduation from college and all that that entails, but there is more held within this calendar year than whatever I have in my planner. And believe me, I have that planner with all the pockets, and sticky notes attached to it. Yes, I’m that girl. Apparently there was a sermon about not putting too much on your plate in college, and I slept through it. Furthermore, I must have missed the sermon that told me not to worry about things so much that you have ulcers, not to stay up until 3 am playing board games when you have a test the next day, and DEFINITELY not to go to Panama City Beach and back that same night the day before having your FIRST final ever in college. In retrospect, I probably should have slept less and listened more. As a graduating senior in college, I have been for AT LEAST three years trying to figure out who I am, not only as a person but as a person moving towards perfection in Christ.

Yes, for this calendar year I have planned a trip to Washington, DC.. a trip to New York City.. and a trip to Juarez, Mexico. Within these trips, in New York City I will visit potential grad schools that may shape me theologically in the coming years, as well as learn more about the health care crisis at forums in Washington, DC. I will even help build homes in Juarez, Mexico. OH, and how could I forget, I will probably spend entirely too much money on clothing in New York City as I’ve heard they have more than just a GAP and Target, try to stay alive in Washington DC, and avoid anything water based in Mexico. Yes, I believe these excursions will be life changing and full of experience that will season my faith with a deeper understanding of how people work, and how I work. Yes, I believe that through these experiences and all others I will learn how to better serve God and do the work of the Church. But, I see a bigger picture unfolding just the same.

As Christians we consistently ask, or should consistently ask, “how am I to do something that revolutionizes society through faith?” I believe we can accomplish this through embracing powers higher than ourselves. I believe we can accomplish this through attitudes seasoned with humility (and equally with reason) that touch and transform the conversations we have, the people we love, and the world we inhabit. To have an attitude seasoned with humility and reason we must cling to community, ever holding fast to those to the left and right of us, in front of us and behind us. Throwing aside differences and likenesses, we must realize how important we are to one other. We must be unafraid to love, and to love without prejudice, so that we may embody humility, and with that, leave an indelible mark on the world around us. After all, we are called to be Jesus in the world today, are we not?

Of course, with everything said on the topic of faith I say this -- easier said than done. And that is why we have the Church. That is why you have your community. That is why you can look around the room and see others listening, reading, marking, learning, and inwardly digesting beside you. We have the Church so that when what is said is easy, and what is being done is lacking, we have the encouragement to push through and have lives worthy of our calling. In this, we have lives that move towards perfection in such a way that leaves a trail, allowing others to revolutionize the world we have loved ourselves.

So, what advice do I give you? Listen. Sleep through nothing. With the people around you, the potential exists for change that is beyond what you can imagine, so listen to what they have to say. In community, we are given the opportunity to view the world through a new perspective, a bright new lens that could easily change the world we know through acts of compassion and humility. This brings me to my next piece of advice. LOVE. Love in such a way that is beautifully unafraid. Setting aside differences, live out the first and second commandments – Love God and Love People. If God is love, what reason could there possibly be to not do so? In listening to community and loving all that breathes, the work of the Church is being done. In doing these things, we are able to find our identity in the light of the great I AM.

apologies & news.

2008-08-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

though i don't think anyone is that much of a dedicated reader, i wanted to apologize for the lack of gospel reflections for the calendar weeks. it has been a very busy few weeks, but i am going to try (keyword, folks) to get back into such things. until then, you will get:

- whatever i plan to say this sunday in andalusia at the church i'm speaking at
- my first non-fiction essay i'm turning in in about a week to two weeks for class
- whatever else i feel like saying ;)

i wanted to at least give a short list of the classes i am taking this semester:

- advanced non fiction writing
- creative writing internship (not really an internship, more of a guided study)
- victorian poetry
- interdisciplinary studies: science fiction
- women's literature
- selected topics: learning the old english language

thankfully, very excited about all courses listed, ESPECIALLY women's lit. the only class that is currently "scary" so to speak is old english, so we will see how that goes. i already have loads of homework, so wahoo!

outside of 18 hours of class this semester i will be:

- trying to get into grad school
- working at the writing center as a peer tutor
- an educational forums director at the wesley foundation
- doing leadership scholar work with the wesley
- working on a short film project
- staying on the journey towards being a confirmed episcopalian (which occurs in november or maybe february? still pending.)

strangely, i am excited about doing all of this. i am in high spirits and have a good feeling about these classes. i only wish i didnt already have that homework.

anyway, wanted to keep everyone up to speed with my life. expect something better, maybe more deeply theological, soon. blessings. :)

i am a whore, i do confess...

2008-08-10T08:56:00.000-07:00

derek webb speaks to an interesting truth in his song "wedding dress," in which he uses the metaphor of the bride and groom, while highlighting an adulterous nature found often in that relationship. his lyrics explain:

"..i am a whore i do confess,

i put you on just like a wedding dress,

and i run down the aisle.."

in my interpretation, i believe the song, through the bride and groom metaphor, speaks to making commitments that are broken, false loves spoken for. i believe the song speaks of a treacherous love, yet a love still.

yes, to put it bluntly, i'd argue that most Christians, me especially, claim a love and dedication to God that we consider "first and foremost," while in action, word, thought, and deed, we do otherwise. we are adulterous lovers, as webb would say, seeking alternate forms of pleasure to find solace, self esteem, affirmation, etc. we lie in beds of money, cradled by our own pride, and satisfied by however we rank our material gain.

these are human actions, from which we can rarely, if ever, detach ourselves. while i deeply admire and appreciate webb's boldness in bringing this situation to life (and boldness in using words like "whore" and "bastard" in a song about Jesus :p), i have to wonder what we do with it, especially as a Church.

the truth is, we are human. we have carnal desires that are not, as many would argue, shameful, but instead inescapable. but how does a person quit being who they are in order to please God? i don't necessarily believe a person should ever quit being who they are, nor do i think doing so will win favor with God. i do not believe a God who created humanity would then bash those who are human for who they are. instead, i rely on two standbys as my only answer to this dilemma -- the first and second commandment.

within the divine call to love God and love people, i believe the Church gets as close as it possibly can to retreating from such spiritually adulterous lifestyles and embracing the love of God. we cannot drop our humanity "cold turkey" as if it is a simple lush desire. let's face it -- it is within our innermost being. we are clothed in humanity, but through the exercising of the first and second commandment the Church finds itself enveloped in a desire (as much as is humanly possible, of course) to love God and love people more than themselves. this certainly functions as an attitude that is not very human. in this attitude, the Church begins to show off hearts of humility rather than the clothes of humanity.

in addition, the Church can seek out "remedies," so to speak, for the human condition within one thing -- repentance. my priest, father jeff gibson, always speaks to our bible study group about intentionality. though we usually speak of it in other terms, i believe it is applicable here. there is something beautiful about repentance in that it speaks of a persons intentionality. it speaks to a person's ability, again, to humble themselves in confession. it also expresses a sense of realization of the human condition, rather than an oblivious attitude that rarely results in a desire to change, or change at all.

with that said, as a note, i'd like to discuss what i mean by "change." i mentioned at the outset that i spoke of the fact that i do not believe God expects us to change who we are, so i do not want any of my comments up until now to be misunderstood. do i think God expects people to be, as i said before, not who they are? no, not at all. but as a Church, we are called, and claim to be, on a journey towards perfection. within that journey, yes, sometimes change is necessary, but it is the sort of change that does not rip us away from who we are, but instead, helps us better understand who we are, and that relation to God. to experience this sort of change at all, the Church must read, mark, learn and inwardly digest, so that discernment can occur. this is intentionality.

through creating us, i believe God understands us. within that, i believe God is aware of the humanity we embody. i don't believe God expects us to lose who we are, but instead, to strive for something outside ourselves, bigger than ourselves, through humility and repentance.

the beauty of fear.

2008-08-04T10:08:00.000-07:00

i have been listening to a song lately that is old, but a favorite. "i will follow you into the dark" by deathcab for cutie expresses one sentiment that i have been mulling around in my mind for quite some time now. that sentiment being that fear is deeply rooted in love.

i guess for the first time in my life i'm embracing the beauty of that. it sounds scary, and is, but within the risk of love, there lies a depth of reward that i think spans far outside our comprehension level. i'm not even talking solely about romantic love.

faith encompasses the same ideal. we take a risk in trusting ourselves to a Creator that is intangible. but, i believe in taking that risk, we allow ourselves to engage Divinity. i believe we allow the innate part of our being that yearns for something outside of itself to flourish. i believe we usher in whatever part of ourselves it is that lets us hope.

and i don't know about you, but i need that. i need hope. i need to hope in God enough to trust. i need to hope in a lover enough to trust. i need to hope that whoever i am is enough. i need to hope that whatever has been done to me is something i can let go. i need to hope in something that tells me it is okay to learn to love myself.

i need to hope in something that tells me it is okay to love others, intimately and dangerously.

matthew 13:31-33; 44-52.

2008-07-22T08:55:00.000-07:00

after reading this text, i realized that to express the variety of my thought, i have to break it down.

as for verses 31-31, i read this to be a metaphor for the magnitude of not only God, but God's work in the Church. as a Body we are called to love God and love people and through that we plant mustard seeds. in even the smallest actions we may create a haven so that "the birds of the air," or others around us who need help, can "come and perch in its branches," feeling the warmth of love.

moving on to verse 33, in much the same way, the body is encouraged through the fact that work done to show love for God and compassion to our neighbors are like yeast. they work throughout the dough of the fullness of time. whatever we may do, small or grand in our eyes, assists in the dough that could possibly bring the Bread of Life to those around us.

also, to be honest, after reading i had two main questions about phrases in the texts:

--how are we to interpret the thought that, as is suggested in verse 44, maybe the kingdom of heaven is meant to be hidden?
--in verse 52, what is meant by "new and old treasures"?

one thing i see though, that seems to blow these questions out of the water, is something i got out of verse 46 - that regardless, the kingdom of God is worth treasuring. that the kingdom of heaven is worth selling everything to take part in it.

matthew 13:24-30; 36-43.

2008-07-22T08:50:00.000-07:00

in all honesty, one verse reigns supreme out of the entire text to me -- verse 30. "let both grow together until the harvest." within the call to love God and love people, there is no room for humankind to judge. at the time of the harvest (whatever that means), a ridiculous amount of things may happen. sure, there may be fiery furnaces. sure, there may be gnashing of teeth. this all seems of little importance though when the mind is focused on living out the first and second commandment.

i don't think it is insane, or doing any violence to the biblical texts, to realize that the texts were written by people. divine inspired? sure. but don't put it past a human writer, regardless of inspiration, to push their own agenda.

are the references to fiery furnaces and gnashing of teeth simply metaphors? of course not, there is no such thing as a simple metaphor. but what's important here is to remember that only in the fullness of time will we truly understand the end times. until then, i firmly believe that there are two concerns -- loving God and loving people.

random mentions.

2008-07-20T16:23:00.000-07:00

first, i would like to ask for prayer for me and my family. we are dealing with many issues, one of which being the decision about whether or not to put my grandmother in a nursing home. my grandmother (grandmere, as we call her) is one of my favorite people in the world and it breaks my heart to think of her in a nursing home. she has lived with us since ninth grade, but with my mother working full time and not having daughters around the house to assist, a nursing home may be the only answer. i've heard that people in nursing homes sometimes do not live long, and that's my biggest fear. plus, it is a financial issue we did not expect.

speaking of finances, we are having a tough time dealing with financial things and making sure my education will be paid for for me to graduate. i keep thinking about abraham and the sacrifice of his son and how, in the narrative, as soon as he was willing to give it all (namely, his son), what would have been a land that reminded him of the death of his son and sincere grief, was transformed into what is called "the land of the Lord will provide." i am faithfully awaiting the transformation of the worrysome soil i stand on to being "the land of the Lord will provide."

regardless of anything, thanks be to God.

ps: a silly question for those of you with mad blogspot skills. how do i put links on the right hand side of the screen? i'd like to blog some of my readers that i know about, as well as sites i enjoy. any help is appreciated. thanks. :)

a response.

2008-07-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

on a previous post i received titled "the great I AM" a comment from a reader named todd which i would like to respond to.

todd wrote:
A thought, though, regarding all of humanity being in the image of God and our defining who gets to use the name "Christian:" - Does your article consider that the image of God in us has been marred by sin? That our sinfulness keeps us all "outside?" That there is a need for the grace of God in Christ to call us and to restore that divine image in us? That there are those who reject such grace?

----

first of all, thank you. i appreciate your beautifully challenging comment. now, a response.

i'd like to look back at the metaphor i used of humankind as a portrait/painting of God. this metaphor, in my opinion, recognizes the sinfulness of creation as well as its beauty. if you see a painting of the Grand Canyon, you may be taken back with awe at its beauty, but that reaction could not compare to seeing it with your own two eyes. can humanity truly reflect God perfectly? certainly not. but i do believe that in looking upon creation, beauty can be found. and within that beauty, a feeling can be evoked that may just be as close to being able to transcend humanity and reach divinity as any of us will come, while clothed in flesh.

in regards to your comment that sin keeps us all "outside," i have a simple reaction. exactly. my point (well, part of it) is that within the church we are all outside perfection and that to then point fingers at some, or not love others, shows a sense of spiritual arrogance that seems to suggest we've forgotten the very "need for the grace of God in Christ" that you speak of.

as for those that reject such grace, i cannot bring myself to exclude them from the portrait simply because of their lack of adherence to the same faith we hold dear. being human, they share the same sinfulness, they just handle the issue of faith differently. with that said, my argument was not really towards those that do not follow Christianity, but instead to those who claim fellowship with Jesus and their place within the Church, and then believe that with their title of "Christian" they can formulate a definition of "being a good Christian" that is truly just the definition they give themselves. when issues of belief or unbelief begin to have credentials that encompass race, gender, sexuality, political views, etc the faith becomes more and more like the socially constructed credentials than the radical beauty of divinity.

i hope this helps me explain myself. also, just to note, i didn't write a response to argue with you, but to take consideration to your thoughts. i think we see rather eye to eye. :)

blessings to you!

----

note: comments accepted from anyone, not just todd. ;)

Matthew 13:1-9, 18-23

2008-07-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

so, in an effort to make myself write at least on a weekly basis (as future writers should do) i've decided to try to start doing a weekly reflection on the gospel text from the lectionary. nothing profound, nothing incredible, nothing worth publishing. just random thoughts i have whilst reading a gospel text, put into paragraph. but, why not share? so, here's the first... this is the text from last sunday.

----------

At first glance, I definitely see this text and its words as being a call to community. The author writes that we must hear the word and understand it. How exactly does a person do this? As usual, this call seems to be one that is easier said than done. Hearing the word? Easy. Plenty of people hear the word. But understanding it? A call of huge proportions.

Understanding requires a person to hear the word, then hold on to what is good, as Paul writes (I do believe). It requires a person to live and experience and apply perspective, exegesis, and the aforementioned community to whatever text they intend to read and interpret. Is there a reason this verse is so vague in its call on how to understand? I believe it’s possible that this verse is a call for the beauty of perspective and celebration of differences in one another’s reading of the Bible.

So what perspective do we entertain and celebrate? I believe we celebrate all, while hearing the word and discerning what to hold on to, discerning what is good. In addition, I believe we celebrate the beauty and love we find in the Church. We entertain the opportunities to read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest a radical gospel together that is worth our time and celebration.

the great I AM.

2008-07-08T06:13:00.000-07:00

We do not know God from His essence. We know Him rather from the grandeur of His creation and from His providential care for all creatures. For through these, as though they were mirrors, we may attain insight into His infinite goodness, wisdom, and power.
--St. Maximos the Confessor

i've had a thought lately that i would like to put in paragraphs, if only a few. i want to expand this, but i haven't blogged in a while so here i go.

i'm consistently baffled by the lack of diversity that plagues large portions of the Christian community, myself included. there is a constant struggle between believers over who is fit to wear the name "Christian" and who lives up to the expectations that are entailed, and so forth and so on.

my problem with this is simple. if we believe (yes, i am writing this specifically to those who are Christians) that God created humankind in God's likeness, why are we not ushering in every variety of person under the umbrella of humankind into fellowship?

we believe God is vast, God is beautiful, God is faithful... but if someone differs from us, they are unworthy of the same title we claim ourselves? it only makes sense that when God creates humankind to give a portrait of divinity itself, that God would create this portrait to encompass every hue imaginable.

so, with that said, i speak every aforementioned word to myself as a reminder of the calling i have to love my neighbor, love my enemies, and truthfully, love every single piece of creation that was brought into being in an attempt by God to show humankind the infinite nature of who God is, physically and tangibly for all time, in a way that humankind should have been able to grasp.

it is my only regret that i, as well as others i would argue, have rejected this portrait, asking instead for photographs of ourselves.

but, as always -- just a thought.

the birth of venus.

2008-01-30T21:24:00.000-08:00

"The Birth of Venus"

The ripples of her hair stretch vast, circling the sphere. Sun rays in her azure eyes, welcoming. Her foamy fingers trace the sand line. She beckons.

Unable to be fully known, she cannot count her years. She speaks as a calming breeze and a terrifying roar. Tucked below her breast, life is found. She cannot count her children.

Her hair swirls in the rough wind, curls crashing. In waterspouts of anger, her passion can be seen. Vessels rock. When the silent black arrives, her white eyes reveal nothing of herself, only the lunar presence.

A balance of emotion, her calm expression and fierce reaction each have their days to reign. Whether a haven for visitors or marked with red flags, she intrigues audiences with her depth. Laid bare, yet mysterious.

Chained to the countless grains of sand, she dwells, immovable. She exists, pulled to and fro. Forever attached, only now sliding in between two loves. She, a rope, as the sand and the Horizon play tug of war.

Joined hand in hand with both sand and Horizon, she is torn. Where does her love take form? Within the grains that hold her weight? The delicate ivory sand has always swirled in the waves of her laughter, her words, her wind. The same sand has nested her children since their birth. Familiar, close to her, she has those dear, attainable grains. Beautiful to her, yet held in place just as she. Hand in hand she lies with sand.

Or does her heart swim in the light of the Horizon, entertaining her at day's break and in each coming night, from afar? Above her, able to reach the ends of her. Her cheeks flutter in her sea breeze. She blushes pink, orange, and yellow. Looking up at that soft, rigid line her salty lips curve; she is infatuated. Beautiful to her, free in a way she has never known. Hand in hand with Horizon.

In decision, her crest the salty brow, sweat rolling down, she chooses which hand to hold and to let go. As the black enters, she holds tight to the Entertainer's hand, sliding less and less to the forlorn shore.

Her heart disregarded, she remembers: she is immovable.

The sky dams her, separating her. Her waves cannot reach that high; she cannot touch only the Horizon. She aches for a newer comfort than that of the sand. The sky has damned her.

Her heart aching over that ethereal Glow, she continues to find rest in the sand and joy in the Horizon.

She speaks as a calming breeze, a terrifying roar. What will she say tonight? She lies still under the moon's glow. Only a faint weeping can be heard, her fingers tapping the shoreline. No shape to her body, she is defined by the hands she holds.

a shell on a blanket of sand.

2007-11-22T17:45:00.001-08:00

this summer, the week before i moved back to troy, i went to the beach with my family and i found a beautiful shell. it is strange, and i think that is why it is so beautiful to me. ever since i found it, it has been in my room on my desk, begging me to write about it. i've tried a few times, and have finally written something. it may be subject to change, but i wanted to share my poem inspired by that sea shell... and naturally, get creative feedback.

---

"a shell on a blanket of sand"

the grains of sand that have
faithfully held the ocean's waves
now latch onto its side.

curve upon curve
the nautical coil rests
within that very sand.

grains small and hard to notice
their residence found in the hard, rippled edge
stuck by the very sea they held.

dust to dust created
dust to dust attached
dust to dust they will return.

such that when those very grains touch bare toes
you may sit and think of me a while
the waves sliding under you and pulling you in.

cotton candy clouds.

2007-11-12T00:27:00.000-08:00

i am consistently angered by the attitude that doubting God, questioning what we know about spiritual things, and asking for just an ounce more proof of what we've placed so much faith in is spiritual suicide. if you ask me, Thomas was no doubter - he was genuine; he desired to know God so personally that he could touch his very hands and see the very blood of the man he believed to be the Messiah. i do not believe that looking into the sky and wondering how the cosmos were formed is grounds for being erased from the book of life.

recently i've become a bit upset with myself for the many things that i talk about and the very few things that i pray about. i would probably be the first to tell you that i have no money, and especially that if i were to have money, each dollar would have a very definitive "need" that it would be assigned to taking care of, thus leaving no disposable income for charity. (actually, i wouldn't say that, but my actions would tell you regardless.) it was within this realization that i was forced to look at all the things i claim to be heartbroken over in this world and simply feel guilt.

for instance, the invisible children, and basically the entire mass of people who are dying of starvation in africa. i kept telling myself i would pray about it (because you know, i do believe prayer is pretty powerful. i shouldn't ever use it as a reason to be any less compassionate and helpful to God's people, but it is a beautiful thing). i would go days and days at a time and not say a single word to anyone, much less God, showing compassion to the people of africa.

it was then that i had a brilliant idea: pray for the children of africa at the same time i bless my food. what better time to pray? say a prayer of thankfulness, coupled with a prayer for those that are without. i began to say, in so many words, "Father i thank you for how you have blessed me, providing this food for me. i pray that you show that faithfulness to the people of Africa; i have faith that you are a God that takes care of His creation." i did this for a little while, before my prayers became a little less.... well, full of zest. i began to wonder, mid-prayer, why exactly i had food and the people in africa didn't. i started to sort of find other things to say, ways to still "pray" but not feel as guilty about it. i even started to spend more time on the "thanks" and a considerable less amount of time on the "hey, people are starving, could you give them a hand?" part of it. i was questioning; i couldn't figure out why God wouldn't help these people. and, saddest of all, i was trying to block the sadness for those people out of my mind yet still fulfill saying a prayer, because that is what good Christians do, right?

tonight i read in rob bell's velvet elvis about questioning God. bell recounts a conference he spoke at where he asked people to throw out some of their biggest questions or simple true thoughts about life, whether they were the type of questions they would normally ask or not. lo and behold, in the list he mentions, a comment listed was "sometimes i doubt God's presence in starving africa."

i echo those feelings. i, in my finite mind, cannot look at people starving in africa and say, "yeah, i believe God is in that." do i believe that God is good? yes. do i believe that God works for the good of those who love Him? yes. but if i were to look at that and say "yeah, i believe God is in that," with so smug a lift of my brow, showing with my quickness of response that this is my reflexive answer, i think i would be more of a used car salesman Christian than a woman desiring to know God intimately. i would be content on selling the image of the Christian sub culture that worships the "God that is so happy" rather than simply being a human who wants to know the why's of life.

in church we sing a song that goes "everyday with you is sweeter, sweeter than the day before." my friends will tell you, i am not a fan of that song. i am very against anything that tells people that believing in God is a walk in the park. i joke with my friends and i have redone the words to where, when i sing it in jest, i sing lyrics such as "everyday Lord, is like cotton candy clouds.... everyday Lord, is like fluffy bunnies."

yesterday, i think God set me straight on something. as i was walking in the afternoon, at the time of the setting sun, i looked into the sky and i saw something that took my breath away. cotton candy clouds! and i mean that. the blue and the pink filled the air, the EXACT hue of pink and blue cotton candy. the clouds swirled together, just like cotton candy. at the meeting point, the colors combined, reminding me of when i have tried to eat just blue, or just pink cotton candy, and instead eaten that very swirl that hung in the sky above me as i walked.

i think that although every day may not be sweeter than the day before, God still gives us cotton candy clouds. i believe that though we may not be handed the answer to every question we have ever asked, we are to keep asking. i believe that our finite minds will never comprehend God, and that within that truth, we find faith. within faith, we are reminded of our finite minds that must question. in asking questions, we engage God. and you know what? it is a beautiful sight to engage God and see His response; it is beautiful like cotton candy clouds.

really, another one?

2007-11-10T22:01:00.000-08:00

i have been a fan of blogging for quite some time. starting back in middle school and now this beginning as a twenty year old college student, i've transitioned through livejournal, open diaries, xanga, myspace, facebook notes, and now this.

why another one?

well, i am hoping this blog will be a bit more focused. i'd like this to be mostly directed around things that i think are rather important: theology, philosophy, current events, society, plans for my future, and maybe even politics (if i'm feeling crazy enough). but, be forewarned, i will most likely rant quite a bit.

in other words, this won't be a blog set up for the purpose of being, as a teacher once referred to it as, an "emotional strip tease." of course, who knows, this might crash and burn completely. it just depends.

with that said, enjoy.

edit: movie and book reviews are important enough to be mentioned along with theology, philosophy, current events, society, future plans, and politics, right? because i might have to include a few of them also. ;)