it's been a while since i've written anything about my awesomely bad mental health. let's see, things haven't really changed much, to be honest. this semester generally (especially after my one meeting with the therapist) have been better, but since the thursday before last, nothing drastic has changed.
this past thursday, my therapist had to be out of town, so no therapy. instead, i was given forms and questionnaires to fill out. i pretty much hate these sort of things, because questions are asked in a very "black or white" way, that obviously need explanation, or the correct answer is "well, sometimes, but not too much." instead, i have to pick "true" or "false." for some, my answer was "true/false" and if she asks, i'll explain.
i also got a different survey thingy that had some less than desirable results. there's a list of questions like "have you felt ___ lately?" "have you struggled with ___ lately?" and you answer yes or no. if you have (i think) 15-17 "yes" answers you may suffer from mild depression. if you have over 18, you may suffer from severe depression.
i answered "yes" to 23 questions. we'll see how that pans out. bleh.
on a different note, recently a friend of mine and i got together, just to find out that we both were dealing with the same sorts of issues. this friend isn't the only person that has said to me something to the effect of "yeah, i go to therapy too" or "i'm actually on zoloft" or "i dealt with that a few years ago, i'm glad you're going to get help, it really helped me." it really is interesting how i, for a whole semester, felt like i couldn't be real with myself about how i feel, while others did the same thing, just to find out that neither of us was alone. i'm already finding a lot of solace in the people around me, so here's hoping i can offer some support to those who need it also.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
the chronicles of crazy -- part one.
well, after my info-splooge about all of my mental health issues via le facebook and blogspot, i made the ultimate decision to keep being open about where i'm at mentally. i'll try to track progress, as well as pit falls, and keep those of you who desire to be a part of the loop, part of it. naturally, i probably won't keep it TOO honest, but i don't mind being open with people in attempt to a) be real with myself b) encourage others through whatever they have going on c) hopefully break down some of the stigma people place on anxiety/depression.
i went to the therapist today for the first time in my life. i was pretty much sick to my stomach at the idea of it, because it's new to me, and was nauseous when i entered. i don't trust very well, so i didn't let too much of my guard down today in our meeting. we basically talked about every day stresses, like school, and haven't gone any deeper than that. there was one question that got the answer of "i had a rough childhood and have a bad relationship with my father," but as soon as my voice broke i put that conversation to rest. i'm pretty sure eventually i will end up bawling every thursday, but not this thursday. i need time to build trust, which she spoke about today, in a very understanding way.
okay, time to break in with some funny moments:
1) when i entered after introduction she turned to me and said, "so, what's going on?" and i said "not much, how are you?" and immediately wanted to get up and leave for being an idiot. inner dialogue responded: "wtf erin, she didn't say 'sup, man?' she asked you what's going on in your life that makes you need therapy, ZOMG." now, i can laugh about it.
2) she brought up john calvin (her degree is technically in christian counseling, so spiritual matters get talked about a lot) and i thought that she was going to like, praise his theology.... then she totally slammed it. i decided that she can totally be my therapist now. ;) (j/k to any reformed fans out there, it just isn't how i engage God.)
okay anyway, basic consensus is -- i don't take care of myself mentally.
this lack of care for my mental health ends up being bad for physical health, also. while i think i knew this about myself subconsciously, being told that verbally should be helpful. part of that whole "being real" thing. when asked about my daily schedule, i told about my 18 hours of classes, to which she laughed and said "and you wonder why you're dealing with anxiety!" i laughed too, because i know that half the stress i have is what i've taken on.
we talked about triggers, which i guess i've always known were there, but never really realized they affect me as much as they apparently (OMG OBVIOUSLY) do. little things that tap into my psyche and snowball into "i suck" feelings.
anyway, she taught me a breathing exercise -- benson's relaxation technique (i wrote down the formal name so that i could talk about it properly in my blog.... NERD HANDS NERD HANDS) -- which has been ridiculously effective. therapy actually made me REALLY stressed, so i decided to take a short nap when i got back. end result? 30 minute nap stretched to 2 hours, and benson's relaxation technique got me to sleep quickly. i'm impressed. i usually NEVER nap that well.
she also advised me to make to-do lists for the next day before i go to bed, so that i'm not so concerned with everything i need to get done. i need to start journaling whatever issues i have throughout the day (most end up being triggers). lastly, she told me i need to start giving myself time for daily exercise (which i need to schedule ASAP) even if it is just taking a walk. but, the trick to taking walks apparently, is not to think about stressful things. pick something, meditate on it, and repeat it while you walk. we'll see how that goes. and then, the session ended with a prayer.
all in all, a good thing, but always tough. i think while it is going to be helpful to be raw about how i am, who i am, what i am... it takes a lot of struggle, and hopefully results in perseverance. we'll see how things go. until next time, i'm going to go soak up the juicy sleep goodness of benson's relaxation technique.
i went to the therapist today for the first time in my life. i was pretty much sick to my stomach at the idea of it, because it's new to me, and was nauseous when i entered. i don't trust very well, so i didn't let too much of my guard down today in our meeting. we basically talked about every day stresses, like school, and haven't gone any deeper than that. there was one question that got the answer of "i had a rough childhood and have a bad relationship with my father," but as soon as my voice broke i put that conversation to rest. i'm pretty sure eventually i will end up bawling every thursday, but not this thursday. i need time to build trust, which she spoke about today, in a very understanding way.
okay, time to break in with some funny moments:
1) when i entered after introduction she turned to me and said, "so, what's going on?" and i said "not much, how are you?" and immediately wanted to get up and leave for being an idiot. inner dialogue responded: "wtf erin, she didn't say 'sup, man?' she asked you what's going on in your life that makes you need therapy, ZOMG." now, i can laugh about it.
2) she brought up john calvin (her degree is technically in christian counseling, so spiritual matters get talked about a lot) and i thought that she was going to like, praise his theology.... then she totally slammed it. i decided that she can totally be my therapist now. ;) (j/k to any reformed fans out there, it just isn't how i engage God.)
okay anyway, basic consensus is -- i don't take care of myself mentally.
this lack of care for my mental health ends up being bad for physical health, also. while i think i knew this about myself subconsciously, being told that verbally should be helpful. part of that whole "being real" thing. when asked about my daily schedule, i told about my 18 hours of classes, to which she laughed and said "and you wonder why you're dealing with anxiety!" i laughed too, because i know that half the stress i have is what i've taken on.
we talked about triggers, which i guess i've always known were there, but never really realized they affect me as much as they apparently (OMG OBVIOUSLY) do. little things that tap into my psyche and snowball into "i suck" feelings.
anyway, she taught me a breathing exercise -- benson's relaxation technique (i wrote down the formal name so that i could talk about it properly in my blog.... NERD HANDS NERD HANDS) -- which has been ridiculously effective. therapy actually made me REALLY stressed, so i decided to take a short nap when i got back. end result? 30 minute nap stretched to 2 hours, and benson's relaxation technique got me to sleep quickly. i'm impressed. i usually NEVER nap that well.
she also advised me to make to-do lists for the next day before i go to bed, so that i'm not so concerned with everything i need to get done. i need to start journaling whatever issues i have throughout the day (most end up being triggers). lastly, she told me i need to start giving myself time for daily exercise (which i need to schedule ASAP) even if it is just taking a walk. but, the trick to taking walks apparently, is not to think about stressful things. pick something, meditate on it, and repeat it while you walk. we'll see how that goes. and then, the session ended with a prayer.
all in all, a good thing, but always tough. i think while it is going to be helpful to be raw about how i am, who i am, what i am... it takes a lot of struggle, and hopefully results in perseverance. we'll see how things go. until next time, i'm going to go soak up the juicy sleep goodness of benson's relaxation technique.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
2008 in review.
i've learned....
1-- the episcopal church is beautiful.
2-- very little competes with sam beam live.
3-- i trust my priest more than most people in my life, srsly.
4-- generally speaking, i should trust most people less.
5-- my skills in writing have actually improved.
6-- the things i write are apparently controversial, and hopefully that will fuel a career one day.
7-- being vegetarian isn't as difficult as i thought.
8-- while being a vegetarian is cool, i want to be vegan, but first need a kitchen.
9-- it's okay to ask for help.
10-- stuffwhitepeoplelike.com is one of the funniest websites i'm aware of.
11-- washington d.c. is entirely too cool.
12-- taking the eucharist and my baptismal vows mean the world to me. i also look forward to partaking in all the sacraments as my life progresses.
13-- tuesday nights at village coffee make my week.
14-- blue moon is my favorite beer (with an orange, please).
15-- all i want to do right now is see more, read more, learn more.
16-- unlike most people, i am literally giddy about going to graduate school.
17-- i actually have what it takes to be published (am up to 3 publications currently).
18-- i really want to move up north, or at least somewhere that isn't "the south."
19-- i truly believe in the beauty of an all inclusive Church and cannot see myself in a church that doesn't hold those principles.
20-- i really don't like Christian music, except for a few groups/artists and hymns, because i think if you're going to write songs for God you should write good lyrics.
21-- i really want to go hiking and camping.
22-- there is a lot of my skin i'm still trying to get comfortable in.
23-- i'd like to write not only for myself, but also so that others can try to find the same peace i desire.
24-- i lurve LOLcats and typing like them. "z" can end just about every sentence.
25-- everyday i become more of a counselor to the people around me, and i don't mind that.
26-- i may or may not have a calling that i will have to come to terms with, but not right now.
27-- i love being delightfully irreverent. i think there should be more humor in the Church.
28-- often times, i'm a token. i'm also an ally. :) (if you get that, you get that.)
29-- DING.
30-- failblog.
31-- i'm allowed to think in church. it's a REALLY progressive concept, but it's pretty awesome. (jaykay -- see my comment about being "delightfully irreverent.") :D
32-- i don't ever want a computer that isn't a mac.
33-- i might actually be a little crazier than i thought i would be. it is fun to be free.
34-- i like my men "trashy" (thanks, joseph). and by trashy, i think he and i should really just say "heterosexual, with long hair or facial hair, kthx." ;)
35-- i want to read more philosophy/lit theory in my free time. so i can be smart.
36-- i want to pursue studies in feminist/gender studies in graduate school, because my women's lit class opened me up to how studying one group of people who are subjugated leads to the study of many groups of people who are subjugated.
37-- arundhati roy's "the god of small things" might be my favorite novel. it competes strongly with cormac mccarthy's "the road."
38-- i really AM anglican. like, i think/act like one, too, and have adopted the anglican lexicon. woo!
39-- i love googlereader and other cool internet-y things that i can do cuz i have a cool computer n stuffz. :)
40-- the writing center is a super cool place to work. i love my job, my co-workers, and my boss (mrs. b). it's like a really cool job that has a really cool family.
41-- i want a cat.
42-- clare burson may be my favorite female vocalist.
43-- i really wanna go to kerala, india. and russia.
44-- my facebook IS CONTROVERSY. erin warde = real-o-meter red.
45-- no matter how much you love God you may never learn how to count or spell.
46-- fstdt.com.
47-- sometimes when you disagree with someone spiritually (or say "shit"), people tell you that you're a tool of satan.
48-- gerferberder is how i roll.
that's all i have right now. :) thanks to everyone who made 2008 really awesome and transformative. lurve y'all.
1-- the episcopal church is beautiful.
2-- very little competes with sam beam live.
3-- i trust my priest more than most people in my life, srsly.
4-- generally speaking, i should trust most people less.
5-- my skills in writing have actually improved.
6-- the things i write are apparently controversial, and hopefully that will fuel a career one day.
7-- being vegetarian isn't as difficult as i thought.
8-- while being a vegetarian is cool, i want to be vegan, but first need a kitchen.
9-- it's okay to ask for help.
10-- stuffwhitepeoplelike.com is one of the funniest websites i'm aware of.
11-- washington d.c. is entirely too cool.
12-- taking the eucharist and my baptismal vows mean the world to me. i also look forward to partaking in all the sacraments as my life progresses.
13-- tuesday nights at village coffee make my week.
14-- blue moon is my favorite beer (with an orange, please).
15-- all i want to do right now is see more, read more, learn more.
16-- unlike most people, i am literally giddy about going to graduate school.
17-- i actually have what it takes to be published (am up to 3 publications currently).
18-- i really want to move up north, or at least somewhere that isn't "the south."
19-- i truly believe in the beauty of an all inclusive Church and cannot see myself in a church that doesn't hold those principles.
20-- i really don't like Christian music, except for a few groups/artists and hymns, because i think if you're going to write songs for God you should write good lyrics.
21-- i really want to go hiking and camping.
22-- there is a lot of my skin i'm still trying to get comfortable in.
23-- i'd like to write not only for myself, but also so that others can try to find the same peace i desire.
24-- i lurve LOLcats and typing like them. "z" can end just about every sentence.
25-- everyday i become more of a counselor to the people around me, and i don't mind that.
26-- i may or may not have a calling that i will have to come to terms with, but not right now.
27-- i love being delightfully irreverent. i think there should be more humor in the Church.
28-- often times, i'm a token. i'm also an ally. :) (if you get that, you get that.)
29-- DING.
30-- failblog.
31-- i'm allowed to think in church. it's a REALLY progressive concept, but it's pretty awesome. (jaykay -- see my comment about being "delightfully irreverent.") :D
32-- i don't ever want a computer that isn't a mac.
33-- i might actually be a little crazier than i thought i would be. it is fun to be free.
34-- i like my men "trashy" (thanks, joseph). and by trashy, i think he and i should really just say "heterosexual, with long hair or facial hair, kthx." ;)
35-- i want to read more philosophy/lit theory in my free time. so i can be smart.
36-- i want to pursue studies in feminist/gender studies in graduate school, because my women's lit class opened me up to how studying one group of people who are subjugated leads to the study of many groups of people who are subjugated.
37-- arundhati roy's "the god of small things" might be my favorite novel. it competes strongly with cormac mccarthy's "the road."
38-- i really AM anglican. like, i think/act like one, too, and have adopted the anglican lexicon. woo!
39-- i love googlereader and other cool internet-y things that i can do cuz i have a cool computer n stuffz. :)
40-- the writing center is a super cool place to work. i love my job, my co-workers, and my boss (mrs. b). it's like a really cool job that has a really cool family.
41-- i want a cat.
42-- clare burson may be my favorite female vocalist.
43-- i really wanna go to kerala, india. and russia.
44-- my facebook IS CONTROVERSY. erin warde = real-o-meter red.
45-- no matter how much you love God you may never learn how to count or spell.
46-- fstdt.com.
47-- sometimes when you disagree with someone spiritually (or say "shit"), people tell you that you're a tool of satan.
48-- gerferberder is how i roll.
that's all i have right now. :) thanks to everyone who made 2008 really awesome and transformative. lurve y'all.
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