hey everyone,
i'm taking suggestions for my summer reading list :) leave some comments with books you <3 and maybe i'll read them and <3 them too. if no one comments or i just read everything assigned by my priest/already on my list fairly quickly into the summer, i'll just try to read the complete works of salman rushdie [excepting satanic verses which i have already read] in like a month :) i may even try to keep myself to reading (or attempting to read) a whole book every week. anyway, suggest something!
blessings,
erin
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
the chronicles of crazy -- i stopped counting.
so, a lot has been going on - good and bad. i've dealt with a few situations of extreme depression [there was one whole weekend of awful, and another night that was about the worst one of my life], balanced (sort of) by incredibly great times with good people [wilco, ray lamontagne, and wesley semiformal].
i'm graduating in less than two weeks, so my life is changing. i don't have anywhere to live yet this summer in troy, am worried about paying rent wherever i do live, etc etc. on top of that, i don't know where i am moving for grad school. things have changed a bit with my plans, as i'm getting financial aid back from schools. now it seems i will move to either new york city or austin, tx. i've never been to austin, but it sounds rock-freaking-awesome. everyone who's been there thinks i'll love it. i've had days where i feel good about myself, and days where i hate my body. sometimes i'm completely okay with being single, then other times i feel like the loneliest person alive. all this is to say that i have many contributing factors to my anxiety/depression.
the biggest update is simply that i've continued my therapy and my therapist says i'm making improvements. we've discussed how to deal with emotions so that they don't become consuming, yet being honest with them and actually DEALING with them also. in other news, she and i have discussed antidepressants and i will be put on them soon. this summer in troy will be a good testing ground for me figuring out if medication is good for me.
my stress levels are ever surging and depleting, but i'm trying to continue being a support to my friends and a strong woman myself.
i'll blog again once i am on antidepressants, just to give updates on what exactly i'm on and my thoughts about taking medication for my emotions.
hope everyone reading is doing quite well :)
i'm graduating in less than two weeks, so my life is changing. i don't have anywhere to live yet this summer in troy, am worried about paying rent wherever i do live, etc etc. on top of that, i don't know where i am moving for grad school. things have changed a bit with my plans, as i'm getting financial aid back from schools. now it seems i will move to either new york city or austin, tx. i've never been to austin, but it sounds rock-freaking-awesome. everyone who's been there thinks i'll love it. i've had days where i feel good about myself, and days where i hate my body. sometimes i'm completely okay with being single, then other times i feel like the loneliest person alive. all this is to say that i have many contributing factors to my anxiety/depression.
the biggest update is simply that i've continued my therapy and my therapist says i'm making improvements. we've discussed how to deal with emotions so that they don't become consuming, yet being honest with them and actually DEALING with them also. in other news, she and i have discussed antidepressants and i will be put on them soon. this summer in troy will be a good testing ground for me figuring out if medication is good for me.
my stress levels are ever surging and depleting, but i'm trying to continue being a support to my friends and a strong woman myself.
i'll blog again once i am on antidepressants, just to give updates on what exactly i'm on and my thoughts about taking medication for my emotions.
hope everyone reading is doing quite well :)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
thomas the faithful.
i preached this sermon today at the troy wesley foundation's CHURCH -- it's based on this week's lectionary text. john 20:19-31.
--
Thomas the Faithful
In the gospel text today, we find a story that has had much commentary over the years. In my past, I always heard that Thomas was the "doubter," and had a sensitive heart towards his dilemma. The truth is - we are all Thomas, and you have all heard that. Being Thomas is unavoidable. We each desire to touch God and know God so intimately that we can see and touch those wounds that Christ not only died of, but lived through. Still, the fact remains, we are not necessarily meant to.
There is a poem by Geoffrey Hill, the Anglican poet, that reads:
By blood we live, the hot, the cold,
To ravage and redeem the world:
There is no bloodless myth will hold.
And by Christ's blood are men made free
Though in close shrouds their bodies lie
Under the rough pelt of the sea;
Though earth has rolled beneath her weight
The bones that cannot bear the light.
There is the distinct idea within this gospel text that, to these disciples, there has to be some flesh and blood behind Jesus for them to have faith in his resurrection. While many want to make Thomas the doubter, we have to realize that the other disciples proclaimed joyfully about their interaction with Jesus because..... Well, they had looked at him. All Thomas asked for was the same opportunity. With that said, something about the disciples made them want to see Jesus in the flesh - there is no bloodless myth will hold. By blood, they lived, and were made free.
But, what about 2009? What do we do with this? When Thomas asked to touch Jesus's wounds, something really beautiful happened - God answered his prayer, whether the prayer had some audacity in it or not. As people living the life of Thomas, desiring to see and touch God, yet having to live on faith in what we do not see, God is still faithful to answer our prayers - God does so through the Church. In our baptism we are adopted into the transcendent body of the Church that ushers us into eternal life while we are still in mortile flesh. God offers us each other, calling us to touch the wounds and the flesh of our neighbors and be healers to those we love who need us, or even those we don't love that need us. God answers that prayer through the very tangible sacrament of the Eucharist, in which we touch the flesh of God in the bread and the blood of God in the wine. God answers our prayers through nourishing us with Word and Sacrament and relentlessly reminding us that while we may not be able to realize we stare into the face of God, we do - we just can't recognize our own, the same beautiful broken sinful people we are exactly like, as being mirrors of an infinite God. Still, the fact remains, we are made in God's image, adopted into God's family, changed in the waters of baptism into Christ's own, and part of a heavenly kingdom still trapped on earth. We are a part of this myth, this myth of flesh and blood that envelops us daily -- for there is no bloodless myth will hold.
To close, I want to leave you with some lyrics by Alli Rogers from her song, "Iowa." She's from Iowa, and this is about her leaving home. While I understand that as being the surface text, I also see a subtext - a text of yearning, of not understanding how to part with something that is loved, a text of questions, of being torn, of being broken, but -- above it all -- a text of living on faith and hope in an infinite God. I think we could all learn something in realizing that in living post-Ressurection, we are a field after harvest, trying to sow under a new sky. The process of having a soul that's weathered, yet green. Enjoy.
The song reads:
People change, families grow
There are hands I am holding that I didn’t know
back when home was a place
and I thought that growing up was a phase
There are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change
Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa
My soul is weathered but green
When a storm passes over the roots are unseen
until all is laid bare
and the hope that I needed was already there
Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa
And there are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change, but you haven’t changed
Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa
--
Thomas the Faithful
In the gospel text today, we find a story that has had much commentary over the years. In my past, I always heard that Thomas was the "doubter," and had a sensitive heart towards his dilemma. The truth is - we are all Thomas, and you have all heard that. Being Thomas is unavoidable. We each desire to touch God and know God so intimately that we can see and touch those wounds that Christ not only died of, but lived through. Still, the fact remains, we are not necessarily meant to.
There is a poem by Geoffrey Hill, the Anglican poet, that reads:
By blood we live, the hot, the cold,
To ravage and redeem the world:
There is no bloodless myth will hold.
And by Christ's blood are men made free
Though in close shrouds their bodies lie
Under the rough pelt of the sea;
Though earth has rolled beneath her weight
The bones that cannot bear the light.
There is the distinct idea within this gospel text that, to these disciples, there has to be some flesh and blood behind Jesus for them to have faith in his resurrection. While many want to make Thomas the doubter, we have to realize that the other disciples proclaimed joyfully about their interaction with Jesus because..... Well, they had looked at him. All Thomas asked for was the same opportunity. With that said, something about the disciples made them want to see Jesus in the flesh - there is no bloodless myth will hold. By blood, they lived, and were made free.
But, what about 2009? What do we do with this? When Thomas asked to touch Jesus's wounds, something really beautiful happened - God answered his prayer, whether the prayer had some audacity in it or not. As people living the life of Thomas, desiring to see and touch God, yet having to live on faith in what we do not see, God is still faithful to answer our prayers - God does so through the Church. In our baptism we are adopted into the transcendent body of the Church that ushers us into eternal life while we are still in mortile flesh. God offers us each other, calling us to touch the wounds and the flesh of our neighbors and be healers to those we love who need us, or even those we don't love that need us. God answers that prayer through the very tangible sacrament of the Eucharist, in which we touch the flesh of God in the bread and the blood of God in the wine. God answers our prayers through nourishing us with Word and Sacrament and relentlessly reminding us that while we may not be able to realize we stare into the face of God, we do - we just can't recognize our own, the same beautiful broken sinful people we are exactly like, as being mirrors of an infinite God. Still, the fact remains, we are made in God's image, adopted into God's family, changed in the waters of baptism into Christ's own, and part of a heavenly kingdom still trapped on earth. We are a part of this myth, this myth of flesh and blood that envelops us daily -- for there is no bloodless myth will hold.
To close, I want to leave you with some lyrics by Alli Rogers from her song, "Iowa." She's from Iowa, and this is about her leaving home. While I understand that as being the surface text, I also see a subtext - a text of yearning, of not understanding how to part with something that is loved, a text of questions, of being torn, of being broken, but -- above it all -- a text of living on faith and hope in an infinite God. I think we could all learn something in realizing that in living post-Ressurection, we are a field after harvest, trying to sow under a new sky. The process of having a soul that's weathered, yet green. Enjoy.
The song reads:
People change, families grow
There are hands I am holding that I didn’t know
back when home was a place
and I thought that growing up was a phase
There are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change
Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa
My soul is weathered but green
When a storm passes over the roots are unseen
until all is laid bare
and the hope that I needed was already there
Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa
And there are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change, but you haven’t changed
Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa
Thursday, April 16, 2009
trust.
so, when i first realized i had to answer my call to ministry so that i could find peace for myself, a single song really sealed the deal on me doing so and not neglecting who i am, and who i believe i am meant to become. well, today has been just as beautifully horrifying as answering a call to the priesthood. from the outset of pursuing this call, i realized i would be called to "trust the process" and that "my life is no longer my own." it sounds scary, just to hear that idea... but today, i realized how scary it is to have it stare you in the face, and how scary it is to answer to it. after today, i've returned to the same song of questions that i asked myself upon accepting this call. so, here it is, the hymn that continues to change my life:
"the summons"
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown?
Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.
blessings to each of you that read this night. be praying for me, that i am a servant of beautiful faith and that in doing so, i am given the peace i so desire and yearn for. whatever happens, i do trust my priest and my bishop -- i believe they truly love me as a person and want the best for me, so that maybe i can do something for the church, with God's help. i do trust the process, i just hope i am brave enough to make it through. and with that, another song that means a lot to me right now, though a lot of the lines are much harder than they sound i am learning that:
"if i'm brave" by alli rogers
I will find my place
I don't know what's going on today
But lead me down
Whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear
But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left
And if I'm brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
'Cause I have found
That the sweetest moment on this road
Is moving forward, not knowing where to go
And you have never left me
I have broken down
And danced around your truth
And you have never left
And if I'm brave I will
If I'm brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing's ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
And I still can't see your face
But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
And you have never left
You have never left me
And if I'm brave I will, if I'm brave
i'm trying to say, in all things, thanks be to God. love you all.
"the summons"
Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown?
Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?
Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?
Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?
Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?
Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.
blessings to each of you that read this night. be praying for me, that i am a servant of beautiful faith and that in doing so, i am given the peace i so desire and yearn for. whatever happens, i do trust my priest and my bishop -- i believe they truly love me as a person and want the best for me, so that maybe i can do something for the church, with God's help. i do trust the process, i just hope i am brave enough to make it through. and with that, another song that means a lot to me right now, though a lot of the lines are much harder than they sound i am learning that:
"if i'm brave" by alli rogers
I will find my place
I don't know what's going on today
But lead me down
Whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear
But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left
And if I'm brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
'Cause I have found
That the sweetest moment on this road
Is moving forward, not knowing where to go
And you have never left me
I have broken down
And danced around your truth
And you have never left
And if I'm brave I will
If I'm brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing's ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
And I still can't see your face
But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
And you have never left
You have never left me
And if I'm brave I will, if I'm brave
i'm trying to say, in all things, thanks be to God. love you all.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
myself.
i'm having a really hard time with myself right now and i think i just need everyone to be patient with me or something.
i'm a mixture of an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and much more.
i just feel ugly and disgusting.
if i'm distant, it isn't you, it's absolutely me. i'm in a state of trying to work my way out of hating myself and it isn't easy.
i'm very hurt, by everything. if you're reading this and think you had something to do with it, you probably didn't. i just hate myself. it's a me to me thing.
i'm not going to take very well to compliments, or possibly even to some help right now. it isn't that i'm unappreciative, i just don't think i'll believe it right now.
i really just don't believe in myself and i need to try to figure out what's wrong with me.
i'm sorry to anyone who looks up to me. i always want to be a person of strength, but rarely am. i feel like a let down, but there comes a point where i just have to try to let myself hurt.
i'm only making this public because i swore to myself i would be transparent with how i feel, starting earlier this year, so i am only trying to keep that promise to myself.
i'm seeing a therapist and will try to work this out.
i guess i am writing this so that maybe people won't wonder what's wrong with me, or think i'm weird or rude for how i may react to you. i'm just hurt, and i can't help it.
i'm a mixture of an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and much more.
i just feel ugly and disgusting.
if i'm distant, it isn't you, it's absolutely me. i'm in a state of trying to work my way out of hating myself and it isn't easy.
i'm very hurt, by everything. if you're reading this and think you had something to do with it, you probably didn't. i just hate myself. it's a me to me thing.
i'm not going to take very well to compliments, or possibly even to some help right now. it isn't that i'm unappreciative, i just don't think i'll believe it right now.
i really just don't believe in myself and i need to try to figure out what's wrong with me.
i'm sorry to anyone who looks up to me. i always want to be a person of strength, but rarely am. i feel like a let down, but there comes a point where i just have to try to let myself hurt.
i'm only making this public because i swore to myself i would be transparent with how i feel, starting earlier this year, so i am only trying to keep that promise to myself.
i'm seeing a therapist and will try to work this out.
i guess i am writing this so that maybe people won't wonder what's wrong with me, or think i'm weird or rude for how i may react to you. i'm just hurt, and i can't help it.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
a sonnet.
please, forget the rain - the memories
like drops collected into pools of cold.
the dogs would yelp and take away our peace.
we lay in fields of lilies, words untold.
please, on thursday leave the altar bare
and never let your feet touch basins of
holy water. then, a vacant stare
from your old friend, that sacred flighty dove.
please, earnestly step forward free
to speak a solemn word for those who live
silent and broken and abandoned in the
holy space - looking into faith as a sieve.
so in the hour of our death we find
a stitch of peace and glory undefined.
like drops collected into pools of cold.
the dogs would yelp and take away our peace.
we lay in fields of lilies, words untold.
please, on thursday leave the altar bare
and never let your feet touch basins of
holy water. then, a vacant stare
from your old friend, that sacred flighty dove.
please, earnestly step forward free
to speak a solemn word for those who live
silent and broken and abandoned in the
holy space - looking into faith as a sieve.
so in the hour of our death we find
a stitch of peace and glory undefined.
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