well, after my info-splooge about all of my mental health issues via le facebook and blogspot, i made the ultimate decision to keep being open about where i'm at mentally. i'll try to track progress, as well as pit falls, and keep those of you who desire to be a part of the loop, part of it. naturally, i probably won't keep it TOO honest, but i don't mind being open with people in attempt to a) be real with myself b) encourage others through whatever they have going on c) hopefully break down some of the stigma people place on anxiety/depression.
i went to the therapist today for the first time in my life. i was pretty much sick to my stomach at the idea of it, because it's new to me, and was nauseous when i entered. i don't trust very well, so i didn't let too much of my guard down today in our meeting. we basically talked about every day stresses, like school, and haven't gone any deeper than that. there was one question that got the answer of "i had a rough childhood and have a bad relationship with my father," but as soon as my voice broke i put that conversation to rest. i'm pretty sure eventually i will end up bawling every thursday, but not this thursday. i need time to build trust, which she spoke about today, in a very understanding way.
okay, time to break in with some funny moments:
1) when i entered after introduction she turned to me and said, "so, what's going on?" and i said "not much, how are you?" and immediately wanted to get up and leave for being an idiot. inner dialogue responded: "wtf erin, she didn't say 'sup, man?' she asked you what's going on in your life that makes you need therapy, ZOMG." now, i can laugh about it.
2) she brought up john calvin (her degree is technically in christian counseling, so spiritual matters get talked about a lot) and i thought that she was going to like, praise his theology.... then she totally slammed it. i decided that she can totally be my therapist now. ;) (j/k to any reformed fans out there, it just isn't how i engage God.)
okay anyway, basic consensus is -- i don't take care of myself mentally.
this lack of care for my mental health ends up being bad for physical health, also. while i think i knew this about myself subconsciously, being told that verbally should be helpful. part of that whole "being real" thing. when asked about my daily schedule, i told about my 18 hours of classes, to which she laughed and said "and you wonder why you're dealing with anxiety!" i laughed too, because i know that half the stress i have is what i've taken on.
we talked about triggers, which i guess i've always known were there, but never really realized they affect me as much as they apparently (OMG OBVIOUSLY) do. little things that tap into my psyche and snowball into "i suck" feelings.
anyway, she taught me a breathing exercise -- benson's relaxation technique (i wrote down the formal name so that i could talk about it properly in my blog.... NERD HANDS NERD HANDS) -- which has been ridiculously effective. therapy actually made me REALLY stressed, so i decided to take a short nap when i got back. end result? 30 minute nap stretched to 2 hours, and benson's relaxation technique got me to sleep quickly. i'm impressed. i usually NEVER nap that well.
she also advised me to make to-do lists for the next day before i go to bed, so that i'm not so concerned with everything i need to get done. i need to start journaling whatever issues i have throughout the day (most end up being triggers). lastly, she told me i need to start giving myself time for daily exercise (which i need to schedule ASAP) even if it is just taking a walk. but, the trick to taking walks apparently, is not to think about stressful things. pick something, meditate on it, and repeat it while you walk. we'll see how that goes. and then, the session ended with a prayer.
all in all, a good thing, but always tough. i think while it is going to be helpful to be raw about how i am, who i am, what i am... it takes a lot of struggle, and hopefully results in perseverance. we'll see how things go. until next time, i'm going to go soak up the juicy sleep goodness of benson's relaxation technique.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
Cool stuff, thanks for being so transparent. If it's any help I've talked to a Christian Counselor/Psychologist numerous times in my life. Sometimes it's incredibly hard just to talk things out with people that can relate/understand. For me it was hard to find someone who didn't merely agree with what I said but dig deeper and question things. I have a good friend who's a Psychologist and they all have sessions with each other all the time, and they're doctors! Know you're in fine company, that's all.
This is awesome. I'm so glad to hear things are going well for you. (I didn't want to ask in school today because I didn't want to bring it up if you were uncomfortable talking about it, but now that I know you are, I'll be more forthright in RL. =D)
I suffer from general anxiety with panic attacks. I've had this condition since youth with specific and non-specific triggers. I went to therapy as a teenager and have thought about going back as an adult. Two things I learned that helped me even today are 1) exercise and 2) breathing tricks, just as your therapist suggested. It's amazing that both exercise (an active event) and breathing (a passive event) can put me into the same mindset -- I feel just as calm, cool, and collected after exercising as I do after deep-breathing.
I think you're taking a brave step forward by going to therapy AND being open with it. You're helping a lot of people by doing so. =)
I hope things continue to go well for you.
A word from my own experience with therapy. Sometimes things will get hard and feel overwhelming when you get into things, this is natural and it is important to recognize it as such. For example: If a session brings up past hurts about someone, you will ultimately "kitchen sink" it in order to resolve what is going on within you. Be sure not to leave your session full of rage and hate toward this person, let it rest for awhile as you work through them.
I mention this because my ex-wife didn't do this and shocked me and her therapist when she moved out two days later after a session was particular negative regarding me. She didn't realize that what I did 8 years ago was not what I was doing now, but when she brought it up in the session it suddenly became real enough to push her over the edge.
Yo! It takes a strong person to open up and explore their mind/emotions/soul, etc.
I saw your blog on Archie's, you're totally on my rss feed, haha. Keep on rockin in the free world!
so I hope this doesnt come off to o creepy. I was reading my friend (coles) blog and saw a comment made by archie mck. I have no idea who this character was but enjoyed his blog. On the side of his was a list of "cool People" and I saw a name very similar to mine so i had to check it. Low and behold you are talking about anxiety! what the crap. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder almost 6 years ago and thought i was reading my own blog while checking out yours. Even the comment on John Calvin made me laugh. Hang in there beloved. Sorry for the random comment. I hope the best for you!
Post a Comment