the american robin.

The American Robin

At the dawn of Spring a robin nests
In windowsills of old money homes.
This, the second of her broods. She waits
For fledglings that live in Nature's Easter eggs.
Pure and new - those children will share in grace.
The Blessed Mother rises up on - no,
Not some eagle's wings - but her own,
And courage courses through her brick-red breast.
Time - Springs Forward - Her children born
Unto this world; Children broken from the
Azure shell. Her home - just mud to hold
The grass and twigs. Lined too with softer brush.
And at the birth no song can top her hymn:
Cheer-up, cheerily, cheer-up, cheerily.

the chronicles of crazy -- for anyone still wondering.

i should update you all on the newest installment of my awesomely bad mental health, if any of you have been wondering how i'm doing. what can i say, it's been a while, eek!

things have been improving. as you may know, i went to a therapist for a while, but i am no longer visiting her. i am very thankful for the counseling i was offered, but there is a certain "fit" a person needs to have with their therapist, and i don't think we had it. i appreciate and enjoy her as a person, but it just didn't work out.

this past week i visited a new therapist, and things were positive, though i should mention it was a very "informational" meeting, because it was my first with her. we talked about a ton of things. she said she picked up some generalized anxiety disorder in the things i said, and depression. because of how bad my physical health has gotten lately, she's set me up with an appointment to have a physical examination and blood work done on wednesday, so that should be interesting. i definitely want to know how this ol' body of mine is doing.

outside of therapy, things have been interesting. currently, i feel the most existentially sound i have ever felt in my life. i haven't really necessarily "blogged" this, but as of march 6th i took the first step towards the process to the priesthood within the episcopal church. you have no earthly idea the peace it has given me to just accept that call and set myself forward in that endeavor, after discerning who i am.. and whose i am (thanks, father jeff). to show you the peace i have -- for the past 6 months up to march 6th, i didn't wake up and remember any dreams. after march 6th, i've woken up *everyday* and remembered dreams! it sounds like a nerdy stupid thing, but my therapist says i'm finally reaching REM sleep again, and i think a lot of that is because of this peace i've found in being confident in who i am, and who i am becoming.

now, don't read this wrong -- i still have a lot of junk to work out with myself. for one, my self-esteem is awful lately. i hate about everything about my body and rather than having day or two per week that i dislike myself, it's a rarity for me to actually like myself, and how i look. some of you know and some of you don't, but i've struggled with having an eating disorder from middle school to now, off and on, and it's surfacing as of late, which i'm going to have to divulge to my therapist soon. ugh. so, obviously, things aren't ponies and rainbows, but i have a lot of hope and i know there are people who can help me.

in short, all of life has positives and negatives -- i am taking everything in stride, with God's help. :)

ps -- small shout out: every week i meet with my priest so that i can properly "read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest" a plethora of things to prepare me for this spiritual journey i am on. in our meetings, we talk, and my priest is someone i consider the absolute best counselor/therapist i have. he is very perceptive, and compassionate, and we're very similar. he understands a lot of me that i think others don't, so any progressions i've made with my awesomely bad mental health most likely find some of their strength in his guidance and support. my church (st. mark's episcopal church -- troy) can also be credited as being my very present help in many times of need. :)

ten dollars.

"Ten Dollars"

If there were a time to show someone that I
love God and people, it was in that moment.
Sitting on a subway, a man sat far
away from me, but his stench sat close by.
His clothes were torn and stained, and hair was some
sort of refuse of strings, held together by a
cloth that was maybe a hat for a while, but then
could only pass for a piece of fabric as dirty
as he was. The man held a bag of trash that he
stared at, as if he needed it - like it was
all he had. He bent himself over, to
hide his face I believe, and invested his eyes
in his pants, or the floor. I ended up on
that car, because when it flew by, it looked
empty and I don't like to be cramped.
A business man walked on as quick as I did;
We both eventually smelled him, before
we saw him. We reacted. I, breathing through
my mouth, moved away from him. The business
man darted, obviously, across the subway. I
think he thought he could share the story of the
man with those further down on the cart, as if the
poor man's smell hadn't introduced him
a while ago. Something in my spiritual being
churned - it was easy to affirm,
conceptually, the first and second commandment,
but to actually love God and love others
was a stretch. So, I plunged my hands
into my pockets, just to feel a ten dollar
bill. I decided the money wasn't mine
anymore, but had a Higher Power it answered
to, so I'd let it go. Still, I think there was
something truly sublime about loving
him - whether it was his clothes, or his
stench, or the fact he couldn't look me in the eye.
Something about loving him scared me; something
about looking at him made me hate my
skin, simply because it was clean. But, I didn't
want to sell my possessions either. I could
do plenty of things, but instead, I'll buy myself
a remedy for my guilt complex - it costs
ten dollars.