the chronicles of crazy -- for anyone still wondering.

i should update you all on the newest installment of my awesomely bad mental health, if any of you have been wondering how i'm doing. what can i say, it's been a while, eek!

things have been improving. as you may know, i went to a therapist for a while, but i am no longer visiting her. i am very thankful for the counseling i was offered, but there is a certain "fit" a person needs to have with their therapist, and i don't think we had it. i appreciate and enjoy her as a person, but it just didn't work out.

this past week i visited a new therapist, and things were positive, though i should mention it was a very "informational" meeting, because it was my first with her. we talked about a ton of things. she said she picked up some generalized anxiety disorder in the things i said, and depression. because of how bad my physical health has gotten lately, she's set me up with an appointment to have a physical examination and blood work done on wednesday, so that should be interesting. i definitely want to know how this ol' body of mine is doing.

outside of therapy, things have been interesting. currently, i feel the most existentially sound i have ever felt in my life. i haven't really necessarily "blogged" this, but as of march 6th i took the first step towards the process to the priesthood within the episcopal church. you have no earthly idea the peace it has given me to just accept that call and set myself forward in that endeavor, after discerning who i am.. and whose i am (thanks, father jeff). to show you the peace i have -- for the past 6 months up to march 6th, i didn't wake up and remember any dreams. after march 6th, i've woken up *everyday* and remembered dreams! it sounds like a nerdy stupid thing, but my therapist says i'm finally reaching REM sleep again, and i think a lot of that is because of this peace i've found in being confident in who i am, and who i am becoming.

now, don't read this wrong -- i still have a lot of junk to work out with myself. for one, my self-esteem is awful lately. i hate about everything about my body and rather than having day or two per week that i dislike myself, it's a rarity for me to actually like myself, and how i look. some of you know and some of you don't, but i've struggled with having an eating disorder from middle school to now, off and on, and it's surfacing as of late, which i'm going to have to divulge to my therapist soon. ugh. so, obviously, things aren't ponies and rainbows, but i have a lot of hope and i know there are people who can help me.

in short, all of life has positives and negatives -- i am taking everything in stride, with God's help. :)

ps -- small shout out: every week i meet with my priest so that i can properly "read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest" a plethora of things to prepare me for this spiritual journey i am on. in our meetings, we talk, and my priest is someone i consider the absolute best counselor/therapist i have. he is very perceptive, and compassionate, and we're very similar. he understands a lot of me that i think others don't, so any progressions i've made with my awesomely bad mental health most likely find some of their strength in his guidance and support. my church (st. mark's episcopal church -- troy) can also be credited as being my very present help in many times of need. :)