the seminary experience. (part 1)

it seems as if whenever i am sick, a blog happens. something about prolonged periods of time without human interaction that makes me just crazy enough to write out my thoughts.

seminary. wow. what a place. this is easily one of the most paradoxical stages of my entire life, which seems fitting when i see how much Jesus spoke using the same sort of mind-bending logic and heart that seminary requires. there is nothing about seminary that is as "figured out" as a person (specifically myself) may think it is. there is always a hidden truth lurking behind every thought, word, or deed. in seminary, the air in the atmosphere of this community will blow the cover off of the places in which these feelings lurk, and just as soon as this has happened, another wind will blow to bring it into the open - to bring it up for observation.

i am tired of being told this is all formational. i am tired of sharing my feelings. i am tired of being laid so bare in community.

i say this to say that seminary has provided me with many existential breakdowns, and i see many more coming my way. "who do you say that i am?" this is a question Jesus asks the disciples, but the more i think about it, it's a question i need to consider more myself.

who do you say that i am? who is it that i say God is? who is it that i say i am? who is it that says who i am?

i continue to search out the answers to these questions, and i always will, knowing that the truth i will find will most likely point to the fact that it is either a) something i've always known or b) something that is taught only through the journey or c) both and even d) yes.

and in searching out those answers, i am sure one day i will realize it really was all formational (somehow), that my feelings needed to be shared to prevent me spontaneously combusting, and that being laid bare in community is nowhere near as scary as being laid bare before God as a priest.

in my history & hermeneutics class, we have studied pre-exilic Israel all the way through the romans and into the deuteronomistic history, with many references to the new testament along the way, but through a clear lens of second temple judaism. i have never been a huge fan of the old testament, but this class has showed me something new and something beautiful about the old testament - it is the story of the continual need that humanity has. this is a need for God, a need for others, a need for identity, a need for restoration.

i guess when it boils down to it, i am so much like a post-exilic Jew i can barely describe it to you. i need God, i need others, i need to know my own identity, i need to be restored.

and that's what seminary is for me - an identity search. a prayer to God, asking God, "who do you say that i am?" somehow, when i ask that, God seems to answer that i am a priest in training, though i do not know how i ended up here, except maybe the fact that there is a recurring theme in the Bible of God picking the least likely subjects to do God's work.

this is scattered, and the verse isn't even explained in context, meaning it was exegeted poorly, but right now, this is about what i feel and how i struggle, so exegesis can wait.

and for the next two and a half years, i have a feeling my life will be full of feelings and struggles, as i cry out to God "Lord, have mercy... Christ, have mercy... Lord, have mercy."

amen.