breaking the silence.

i haven't written in a while, so i better get to that.

what's going on in my life? a lot of things i won't detail on the blog, but plenty that i will. i turned 22, applied to 4 out of 5 graduate schools, went to a diocesan convention for the central gulf coast, fell even more in love with the episcopal church and st. mark's specifically (i didn't even know it was possible to love it more), and am allowing prayer to direct me in many areas of my life.

on saturday, i'm flying for the first time. i am very nervous. my prayers have been said and my priest gave us a travel blessing. that's all i need, right? oh, wait, i forgot -- i am trying to get some anxiety pills and i bought dramamine. for modern medicine, thanks be to God!

that's all i can really tell you right now. i'm burned out and off to bed, but i wanted to update. please have me in your thoughts/prayers/whatever you do as i fly for the first time, but more importantly as i do my interview at general theological seminary, my semi-interview at union theological seminary, and as i travel to harvard. i just want to be myself, and for who i am to make an impression. my fingers are crossed!

thanks for any and all encouragement i receive. i appreciate each and every one of you reading :) blessings to you!

PS -- i got THIS poster for my birthday, and it is THE BALLS. INSATIABLE BATMAN BALLS! i love fred o'neal. :)

the chronicles of crazy (part 2) -- a week with no therapy.

it's been a while since i've written anything about my awesomely bad mental health. let's see, things haven't really changed much, to be honest. this semester generally (especially after my one meeting with the therapist) have been better, but since the thursday before last, nothing drastic has changed.

this past thursday, my therapist had to be out of town, so no therapy. instead, i was given forms and questionnaires to fill out. i pretty much hate these sort of things, because questions are asked in a very "black or white" way, that obviously need explanation, or the correct answer is "well, sometimes, but not too much." instead, i have to pick "true" or "false." for some, my answer was "true/false" and if she asks, i'll explain.

i also got a different survey thingy that had some less than desirable results. there's a list of questions like "have you felt ___ lately?" "have you struggled with ___ lately?" and you answer yes or no. if you have (i think) 15-17 "yes" answers you may suffer from mild depression. if you have over 18, you may suffer from severe depression.

i answered "yes" to 23 questions. we'll see how that pans out. bleh.

on a different note, recently a friend of mine and i got together, just to find out that we both were dealing with the same sorts of issues. this friend isn't the only person that has said to me something to the effect of "yeah, i go to therapy too" or "i'm actually on zoloft" or "i dealt with that a few years ago, i'm glad you're going to get help, it really helped me." it really is interesting how i, for a whole semester, felt like i couldn't be real with myself about how i feel, while others did the same thing, just to find out that neither of us was alone. i'm already finding a lot of solace in the people around me, so here's hoping i can offer some support to those who need it also.

the chronicles of crazy -- part one.

well, after my info-splooge about all of my mental health issues via le facebook and blogspot, i made the ultimate decision to keep being open about where i'm at mentally. i'll try to track progress, as well as pit falls, and keep those of you who desire to be a part of the loop, part of it. naturally, i probably won't keep it TOO honest, but i don't mind being open with people in attempt to a) be real with myself b) encourage others through whatever they have going on c) hopefully break down some of the stigma people place on anxiety/depression.

i went to the therapist today for the first time in my life. i was pretty much sick to my stomach at the idea of it, because it's new to me, and was nauseous when i entered. i don't trust very well, so i didn't let too much of my guard down today in our meeting. we basically talked about every day stresses, like school, and haven't gone any deeper than that. there was one question that got the answer of "i had a rough childhood and have a bad relationship with my father," but as soon as my voice broke i put that conversation to rest. i'm pretty sure eventually i will end up bawling every thursday, but not this thursday. i need time to build trust, which she spoke about today, in a very understanding way.

okay, time to break in with some funny moments:

1) when i entered after introduction she turned to me and said, "so, what's going on?" and i said "not much, how are you?" and immediately wanted to get up and leave for being an idiot. inner dialogue responded: "wtf erin, she didn't say 'sup, man?' she asked you what's going on in your life that makes you need therapy, ZOMG." now, i can laugh about it.

2) she brought up john calvin (her degree is technically in christian counseling, so spiritual matters get talked about a lot) and i thought that she was going to like, praise his theology.... then she totally slammed it. i decided that she can totally be my therapist now. ;) (j/k to any reformed fans out there, it just isn't how i engage God.)

okay anyway, basic consensus is -- i don't take care of myself mentally.

this lack of care for my mental health ends up being bad for physical health, also. while i think i knew this about myself subconsciously, being told that verbally should be helpful. part of that whole "being real" thing. when asked about my daily schedule, i told about my 18 hours of classes, to which she laughed and said "and you wonder why you're dealing with anxiety!" i laughed too, because i know that half the stress i have is what i've taken on.

we talked about triggers, which i guess i've always known were there, but never really realized they affect me as much as they apparently (OMG OBVIOUSLY) do. little things that tap into my psyche and snowball into "i suck" feelings.

anyway, she taught me a breathing exercise -- benson's relaxation technique (i wrote down the formal name so that i could talk about it properly in my blog.... NERD HANDS NERD HANDS) -- which has been ridiculously effective. therapy actually made me REALLY stressed, so i decided to take a short nap when i got back. end result? 30 minute nap stretched to 2 hours, and benson's relaxation technique got me to sleep quickly. i'm impressed. i usually NEVER nap that well.

she also advised me to make to-do lists for the next day before i go to bed, so that i'm not so concerned with everything i need to get done. i need to start journaling whatever issues i have throughout the day (most end up being triggers). lastly, she told me i need to start giving myself time for daily exercise (which i need to schedule ASAP) even if it is just taking a walk. but, the trick to taking walks apparently, is not to think about stressful things. pick something, meditate on it, and repeat it while you walk. we'll see how that goes. and then, the session ended with a prayer.

all in all, a good thing, but always tough. i think while it is going to be helpful to be raw about how i am, who i am, what i am... it takes a lot of struggle, and hopefully results in perseverance. we'll see how things go. until next time, i'm going to go soak up the juicy sleep goodness of benson's relaxation technique.

2008 in review.

i've learned....

1-- the episcopal church is beautiful.
2-- very little competes with sam beam live.
3-- i trust my priest more than most people in my life, srsly.
4-- generally speaking, i should trust most people less.
5-- my skills in writing have actually improved.
6-- the things i write are apparently controversial, and hopefully that will fuel a career one day.
7-- being vegetarian isn't as difficult as i thought.
8-- while being a vegetarian is cool, i want to be vegan, but first need a kitchen.
9-- it's okay to ask for help.
10-- stuffwhitepeoplelike.com is one of the funniest websites i'm aware of.
11-- washington d.c. is entirely too cool.
12-- taking the eucharist and my baptismal vows mean the world to me. i also look forward to partaking in all the sacraments as my life progresses.
13-- tuesday nights at village coffee make my week.
14-- blue moon is my favorite beer (with an orange, please).
15-- all i want to do right now is see more, read more, learn more.
16-- unlike most people, i am literally giddy about going to graduate school.
17-- i actually have what it takes to be published (am up to 3 publications currently).
18-- i really want to move up north, or at least somewhere that isn't "the south."
19-- i truly believe in the beauty of an all inclusive Church and cannot see myself in a church that doesn't hold those principles.
20-- i really don't like Christian music, except for a few groups/artists and hymns, because i think if you're going to write songs for God you should write good lyrics.
21-- i really want to go hiking and camping.
22-- there is a lot of my skin i'm still trying to get comfortable in.
23-- i'd like to write not only for myself, but also so that others can try to find the same peace i desire.
24-- i lurve LOLcats and typing like them. "z" can end just about every sentence.
25-- everyday i become more of a counselor to the people around me, and i don't mind that.
26-- i may or may not have a calling that i will have to come to terms with, but not right now.
27-- i love being delightfully irreverent. i think there should be more humor in the Church.
28-- often times, i'm a token. i'm also an ally. :) (if you get that, you get that.)
29-- DING.
30-- failblog.
31-- i'm allowed to think in church. it's a REALLY progressive concept, but it's pretty awesome. (jaykay -- see my comment about being "delightfully irreverent.") :D
32-- i don't ever want a computer that isn't a mac.
33-- i might actually be a little crazier than i thought i would be. it is fun to be free.
34-- i like my men "trashy" (thanks, joseph). and by trashy, i think he and i should really just say "heterosexual, with long hair or facial hair, kthx." ;)
35-- i want to read more philosophy/lit theory in my free time. so i can be smart.
36-- i want to pursue studies in feminist/gender studies in graduate school, because my women's lit class opened me up to how studying one group of people who are subjugated leads to the study of many groups of people who are subjugated.
37-- arundhati roy's "the god of small things" might be my favorite novel. it competes strongly with cormac mccarthy's "the road."
38-- i really AM anglican. like, i think/act like one, too, and have adopted the anglican lexicon. woo!
39-- i love googlereader and other cool internet-y things that i can do cuz i have a cool computer n stuffz. :)
40-- the writing center is a super cool place to work. i love my job, my co-workers, and my boss (mrs. b). it's like a really cool job that has a really cool family.
41-- i want a cat.
42-- clare burson may be my favorite female vocalist.
43-- i really wanna go to kerala, india. and russia.
44-- my facebook IS CONTROVERSY. erin warde = real-o-meter red.
45-- no matter how much you love God you may never learn how to count or spell.
46-- fstdt.com.
47-- sometimes when you disagree with someone spiritually (or say "shit"), people tell you that you're a tool of satan.
48-- gerferberder is how i roll.

that's all i have right now. :) thanks to everyone who made 2008 really awesome and transformative. lurve y'all.

humility.

tonight my grandmother and i spoke for a while, and rather out of the blue she asked me something. she said, "are you a happy person? you're a happy person, aren't you?" she asked happily herself. in an effort as of late to answer things rather honestly instead of reflexively, i paused. after a moment i responded.

"i try my best."

over the past few months, my life has not been pleasant. i don't sleep much at night, i cry instead, i have quick shifts in appetite and mood, i feel sick anytime i eat, i take everything personally leading to negative feelings towards myself, i question my worth constantly, my mind always races, and i live off caffeine because i'm too lethargic to live any other way.

for the longest time i told myself everyone lives this way, that i was just feeling sick to my stomach, and that stress was natural with my schedule. i don't think i can lie to myself like that anymore. i don't think everyone has forgotten what real sleep is like. (do you know i can't remember the last night i got good sleep that wasn't caused by me taking some sort of medicine that causes drowsiness? it's awful to not remember what sleep is like.)

i don't like to admit this. i don't want to be who i am, if i'm like this. i type all of this with the concern that if anyone reads this, they'll say to themselves, "oh, okay, so she's fucking crazy." i feel crazy in that i feel like everyone's going to think i'm unstable, unable to work, ready to fly off the handle. i didn't want to admit to myself that this is who i am, that i have a problem, that i'm human.

that maybe i need a little more help than others.

i decided the mature thing to do was to seek help. i'm not quitting school or anything, but i'll be going to a counselor when the spring semester starts. we'll see how that goes and what progresses. i'm still taking 18 hours of classes (happily), still working at the writing center (i love my job), and still graduating (thank goodness, fingers are crossed). i just might have to make some very intentional choices about how my time is spent outside of classes, work, and church.

my life seems to have created so many demons, and now i feel like my own body is one of them. i can't fight myself any longer, so i have to take who i am and handle it. i decided the mature thing to do is deal with this when i'm 21, instead of waiting until i'm 50 and hitting rock bottom or something. that would be a total epic fail.

when i decided this wasn't normal, i took tests online (dorky, i know) but all my concerns seem to line up with generalized anxiety disorder or severe depression. it was actually really nice to see that my symptoms/behavioral characteristics actually made some sense.

i'm seeking help. i'm not stupid, i'm not insane, i'm not crazy, and i'm not out of control. i think i'm just stressed more than some people, which has repercussions. i've been told a lot of this can be chemical imbalances.

i just want peace. i can't think of a single time in my life i was free of thought and worry.

also, i know there is a huge stigma about people who are Christian yet deal with these sorts of issues. there's the prevailing idea that these feelings start because of a person not "giving something to God," some specific sin that is reigning in a person's life.

if when you read this, your advice to me was going to be based around that, i'd prefer you keep that thought to yourself, with all do respect. i don't need to be demonized; i do that to myself enough. each and every morning i wake up and work out my salvation with fear and trembling, as the Bible advises. if the Bible is right, and a state of humility is the best place for a person to be -- believe me, i'm there.

the spiritual encouragement i need is community and compassion. that's what i've always understood real Christianity to be about, and that's all i ask for. as for specific spiritual advice, i'll be seeing a counselor who focuses a bit on spirituality, so she and i can talk that out. otherwise, i have a priest and i have the wesley foundation and i have any other spiritual confidants that i choose.

also, this isn't a note i wrote to spark discourse. if you disagree with something in here, that's fine, but the purpose of this is to write things out and feel some catharsis, not so that any of you can have facebook wars over your opinion on this, that, or the other. this isn't about opinions. if you'd like to talk about mental issues and your opinions on them, you're welcome to write your own note, but this isn't an argumentative forum.

this is just about me being real with myself and being real with my communities. the people i live with, the people i see at church on sundays, the people i take classes with possibly, the order of saint luke, the wesley foundation, etc. (if you're tagged, you're probably part of these communities.. and if you're not tagged, it isn't personal).

lastly, for a while now i've been known as someone who listens and counsels people through various issues, and some of you have been talking to me about your problems recently. please understand that just because i have problems of my own doesn't mean i am not available to help others through theirs. other people need help just as much as i do, and i'd be happy to be those ears to anyone who needed that (and i've been happy to listen up until now, no worries). so, if i've worked with you on your personal issues lately, you can keep talking to me. i listen to you because i love you and want to help.

in short, i don't know peace, but i'm working towards it. oh, and please don't pity me -- i'll be okay.

sometimes i go the wrong way so my GPS will talk to me.

after many nights of family and montgomery-ness, i escaped to troy for the night with brittany, looking for fun, etc. before leaving montgomery, we decided that it would be good to eat at chili's before we left. ugh. neither of us had ever eaten there before and if i am ever picking a restaurant again, i will not be picking chili's. service was awful, followed by me ordering shrimp that was super fishy tasting (which i'm sorry but shrimp isn't supposed to taste like i ordered fish) which was promptly sent back because it made me gag. my final meal? mashed potatoes and chips and salsa. ummmm, not a lot of vegetarian (or even PESCAtarian) options available. thanks chili's. thanks for putting murder into just about everything you serve. so i got a side order of mashed potatoes, chips, and one drink (alcoholic -- summer paradise or something) and it was SIXTEEN dollars. um, that drink was not worth 8 dollars. thanks for not putting any sort of prices on your drink menu. but, alas, it was funny to laugh at how awful it was.

once we got to troy, we stopped at one of the i think 3 bars in troy -- the double branch. while this isn't a place i'd regularly hang out (it was rather sketchy, lol) it made for an interesting night. lots of laughing, strangely we met random people, good bartender, and some friends met us there (fred, ki, and glynn -- yay!). upon finishing there, we went back to fred and ki's apartment to hang out, then back to brittany's for sleep time. all in all, i pretty much have zero complaints about last night. it was random, and enjoyable, and not montgomery. :)

now, time to be back in montgomery for about 11 more days. woo!

new year's "resolution"?

i personally pretty much hate things like making a new year's resolution, but talking to a friend last night about hers made me realize that i do, in fact, want to try to make a point to do something more -- and that's write daily. i am not saying it's a resolution, because i needn't put a name on it, but it is something i'd like to stick to doing. i'm going to try to blog daily, but it might end up being something i do in a journal, not for all of you to see.

in other news, it's Christmas, and i've had a good past few days. i received many things i'm very thankful for, and have enjoyed (for the most part) time with family. my sister gave me the movie Wall-E, which i think is absolutely adorable and i'm happy i have it. i got a beautiful pea coat, which i will need when i move more northern. i also got the satanic verses by salman rushdie, which is rather convenient because i may use it as a primary literary text in my guided independent study on post-colonialism. the only downside is that while i initially was happy that i wouldn't have to buy the book, the copy my mom got me is beautiful and i'm not sure i want to write all in it. so, i may buy a cheap used copy for studies and keep the other copy, or i may just go ahead and write in it. i also was given the vegan sourcebook. this book has pretty much solidified that i am moving towards being a vegan, though doing so pretty much requires me to move somewhere else, because on-campus dining doesn't really allow for me to eat right (ugh). but seriously, i line up with SO MUCH of the philosophy in this book, and as soon as i have a kitchen, i think i can totally use the recipes and live this way. also, i got a williams sonoma recipe book of all veggie dishes. i'm rather excited! hopefully this can lead to a general lifestyle that is a lot healthier, and mingles personal philosophy/spirituality with my diet and daily living.

in less happy news, i'm realizing something about myself that i have to figure out. it isn't pretty, but i'm trying to humble myself enough to trust people and deal with it. none of that is easy. being home helped me realize the magnitude of dealing with it though, so here i go... time to try to deal with it. bleh. i'm not really sure how open i want to be with it; i've only spoken to one person about it, so we'll see how that goes. the person i spoke to about it made me feel so much better about the entire situation, though i still have a ton of fears.

well, i didn't really mean to write this much, but i did. i've had a lot of downer moments this break (won't get into that), but i'm trying not to complain too much. here's hoping i get to see more of the people i was excited to see when i came home. i'm still trying to solidify new year's eve plans, but i'm sure that'll all fall into place.

hope everyone's having a good break from school/work/whatever, and that everyone has had happy holidays.