humility.

tonight my grandmother and i spoke for a while, and rather out of the blue she asked me something. she said, "are you a happy person? you're a happy person, aren't you?" she asked happily herself. in an effort as of late to answer things rather honestly instead of reflexively, i paused. after a moment i responded.

"i try my best."

over the past few months, my life has not been pleasant. i don't sleep much at night, i cry instead, i have quick shifts in appetite and mood, i feel sick anytime i eat, i take everything personally leading to negative feelings towards myself, i question my worth constantly, my mind always races, and i live off caffeine because i'm too lethargic to live any other way.

for the longest time i told myself everyone lives this way, that i was just feeling sick to my stomach, and that stress was natural with my schedule. i don't think i can lie to myself like that anymore. i don't think everyone has forgotten what real sleep is like. (do you know i can't remember the last night i got good sleep that wasn't caused by me taking some sort of medicine that causes drowsiness? it's awful to not remember what sleep is like.)

i don't like to admit this. i don't want to be who i am, if i'm like this. i type all of this with the concern that if anyone reads this, they'll say to themselves, "oh, okay, so she's fucking crazy." i feel crazy in that i feel like everyone's going to think i'm unstable, unable to work, ready to fly off the handle. i didn't want to admit to myself that this is who i am, that i have a problem, that i'm human.

that maybe i need a little more help than others.

i decided the mature thing to do was to seek help. i'm not quitting school or anything, but i'll be going to a counselor when the spring semester starts. we'll see how that goes and what progresses. i'm still taking 18 hours of classes (happily), still working at the writing center (i love my job), and still graduating (thank goodness, fingers are crossed). i just might have to make some very intentional choices about how my time is spent outside of classes, work, and church.

my life seems to have created so many demons, and now i feel like my own body is one of them. i can't fight myself any longer, so i have to take who i am and handle it. i decided the mature thing to do is deal with this when i'm 21, instead of waiting until i'm 50 and hitting rock bottom or something. that would be a total epic fail.

when i decided this wasn't normal, i took tests online (dorky, i know) but all my concerns seem to line up with generalized anxiety disorder or severe depression. it was actually really nice to see that my symptoms/behavioral characteristics actually made some sense.

i'm seeking help. i'm not stupid, i'm not insane, i'm not crazy, and i'm not out of control. i think i'm just stressed more than some people, which has repercussions. i've been told a lot of this can be chemical imbalances.

i just want peace. i can't think of a single time in my life i was free of thought and worry.

also, i know there is a huge stigma about people who are Christian yet deal with these sorts of issues. there's the prevailing idea that these feelings start because of a person not "giving something to God," some specific sin that is reigning in a person's life.

if when you read this, your advice to me was going to be based around that, i'd prefer you keep that thought to yourself, with all do respect. i don't need to be demonized; i do that to myself enough. each and every morning i wake up and work out my salvation with fear and trembling, as the Bible advises. if the Bible is right, and a state of humility is the best place for a person to be -- believe me, i'm there.

the spiritual encouragement i need is community and compassion. that's what i've always understood real Christianity to be about, and that's all i ask for. as for specific spiritual advice, i'll be seeing a counselor who focuses a bit on spirituality, so she and i can talk that out. otherwise, i have a priest and i have the wesley foundation and i have any other spiritual confidants that i choose.

also, this isn't a note i wrote to spark discourse. if you disagree with something in here, that's fine, but the purpose of this is to write things out and feel some catharsis, not so that any of you can have facebook wars over your opinion on this, that, or the other. this isn't about opinions. if you'd like to talk about mental issues and your opinions on them, you're welcome to write your own note, but this isn't an argumentative forum.

this is just about me being real with myself and being real with my communities. the people i live with, the people i see at church on sundays, the people i take classes with possibly, the order of saint luke, the wesley foundation, etc. (if you're tagged, you're probably part of these communities.. and if you're not tagged, it isn't personal).

lastly, for a while now i've been known as someone who listens and counsels people through various issues, and some of you have been talking to me about your problems recently. please understand that just because i have problems of my own doesn't mean i am not available to help others through theirs. other people need help just as much as i do, and i'd be happy to be those ears to anyone who needed that (and i've been happy to listen up until now, no worries). so, if i've worked with you on your personal issues lately, you can keep talking to me. i listen to you because i love you and want to help.

in short, i don't know peace, but i'm working towards it. oh, and please don't pity me -- i'll be okay.