cotton candy clouds.

i am consistently angered by the attitude that doubting God, questioning what we know about spiritual things, and asking for just an ounce more proof of what we've placed so much faith in is spiritual suicide. if you ask me, Thomas was no doubter - he was genuine; he desired to know God so personally that he could touch his very hands and see the very blood of the man he believed to be the Messiah. i do not believe that looking into the sky and wondering how the cosmos were formed is grounds for being erased from the book of life.

recently i've become a bit upset with myself for the many things that i talk about and the very few things that i pray about. i would probably be the first to tell you that i have no money, and especially that if i were to have money, each dollar would have a very definitive "need" that it would be assigned to taking care of, thus leaving no disposable income for charity. (actually, i wouldn't say that, but my actions would tell you regardless.) it was within this realization that i was forced to look at all the things i claim to be heartbroken over in this world and simply feel guilt.

for instance, the invisible children, and basically the entire mass of people who are dying of starvation in africa. i kept telling myself i would pray about it (because you know, i do believe prayer is pretty powerful. i shouldn't ever use it as a reason to be any less compassionate and helpful to God's people, but it is a beautiful thing). i would go days and days at a time and not say a single word to anyone, much less God, showing compassion to the people of africa.

it was then that i had a brilliant idea: pray for the children of africa at the same time i bless my food. what better time to pray? say a prayer of thankfulness, coupled with a prayer for those that are without. i began to say, in so many words, "Father i thank you for how you have blessed me, providing this food for me. i pray that you show that faithfulness to the people of Africa; i have faith that you are a God that takes care of His creation." i did this for a little while, before my prayers became a little less.... well, full of zest. i began to wonder, mid-prayer, why exactly i had food and the people in africa didn't. i started to sort of find other things to say, ways to still "pray" but not feel as guilty about it. i even started to spend more time on the "thanks" and a considerable less amount of time on the "hey, people are starving, could you give them a hand?" part of it. i was questioning; i couldn't figure out why God wouldn't help these people. and, saddest of all, i was trying to block the sadness for those people out of my mind yet still fulfill saying a prayer, because that is what good Christians do, right?

tonight i read in rob bell's velvet elvis about questioning God. bell recounts a conference he spoke at where he asked people to throw out some of their biggest questions or simple true thoughts about life, whether they were the type of questions they would normally ask or not. lo and behold, in the list he mentions, a comment listed was "sometimes i doubt God's presence in starving africa."

i echo those feelings. i, in my finite mind, cannot look at people starving in africa and say, "yeah, i believe God is in that." do i believe that God is good? yes. do i believe that God works for the good of those who love Him? yes. but if i were to look at that and say "yeah, i believe God is in that," with so smug a lift of my brow, showing with my quickness of response that this is my reflexive answer, i think i would be more of a used car salesman Christian than a woman desiring to know God intimately. i would be content on selling the image of the Christian sub culture that worships the "God that is so happy" rather than simply being a human who wants to know the why's of life.

in church we sing a song that goes "everyday with you is sweeter, sweeter than the day before." my friends will tell you, i am not a fan of that song. i am very against anything that tells people that believing in God is a walk in the park. i joke with my friends and i have redone the words to where, when i sing it in jest, i sing lyrics such as "everyday Lord, is like cotton candy clouds.... everyday Lord, is like fluffy bunnies."

yesterday, i think God set me straight on something. as i was walking in the afternoon, at the time of the setting sun, i looked into the sky and i saw something that took my breath away. cotton candy clouds! and i mean that. the blue and the pink filled the air, the EXACT hue of pink and blue cotton candy. the clouds swirled together, just like cotton candy. at the meeting point, the colors combined, reminding me of when i have tried to eat just blue, or just pink cotton candy, and instead eaten that very swirl that hung in the sky above me as i walked.

i think that although every day may not be sweeter than the day before, God still gives us cotton candy clouds. i believe that though we may not be handed the answer to every question we have ever asked, we are to keep asking. i believe that our finite minds will never comprehend God, and that within that truth, we find faith. within faith, we are reminded of our finite minds that must question. in asking questions, we engage God. and you know what? it is a beautiful sight to engage God and see His response; it is beautiful like cotton candy clouds.