this i believe.

i believe in the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
i believe God loves those who are created by God unconditionally.
i believe that all are given the opportunity to be adopted into righteousness.
i believe in an all inclusive Church.

i am a heterosexual gay rights activist.
i am not ashamed of that.

i will love unconditionally, in the Christ-like agape way.
i will fight for justice on behalf of those who are oppressed.
i will embrace the notion that ALL means ALL.
i will extend my love past those that are like me.
i will love all races, genders, and sexualities.
i will not oppress those that are the "other."
i will not use the Bible to do violence to others.
i will love the unloved.
i will do everything in my power to do the work of the First and Second commandments.

... with God's help.

i have the tendency to fail.
i have the ability to pick myself up and fight again.

if i am silent when someone needs to speak,
if i sit down when i need to stand up,
if i am fearful when i need to be courageous --

forgive me, Lord.

this i believe.

manna from heaven.

For the duration of the past summer, I fasted from beef, chicken, and pork. During the year, I had watched multiple friends of mine fast from the same foods for Lent, but I was non-denominational, so Lent was rather foreign to me. I made zero religious commitments to give anything up. In speaking to my friend Joseph who gave up meat for Lent, he shared with me a quote that meant something. He shared the words of Pythagorus who wrote, "For as long as man continues to be the ruthless destroyer of lower living beings, he will never know health or peace. For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed he who sows the seeds of murder and pain cannot reap joy and love." I am somewhat of a radical believer in being pro-life and nonviolent, so these words struck a chord. Should I be a radical writer of nonviolent and pro-life arguments, or actually give something up for it?

So, I gave something up. I gave up beef, chicken, and pork. "It can't be that bad," I told myself. "There's still pasta.. and rice.. and bread! I love bread. And then there are other kinds of pasta.. and flavored rice.. and, well, bread!"

And truthfully, it really was not that bad. Sure, bread, pasta, and rice got old.. but vegetables remained high on the list of foods I consumed. Not to mention, in case you weren't aware, there is no meat in chocolate OR sweet tea. The only place I can imagine there being meat in that would be on Iron Chef America, and there's no way I would have been eating that nicely. I lived in an apartment for the summer rather than being on campus, so I was able to cook my own food and eat just fine. It was not too difficult to abstain from those foods, simply because the ONLY food in the house (for the most part) happened to be food I could eat. But then, I went to Montgomery...

LeAnn is an old friend from high school days and when I went back to Montgomery for a weekend to see family, she and I got together to hang out. We stopped by Sonic to grab slushies before we walked around Eastchase, when I had my first encounter with breaking the fast I had committed to. LeAnn had ordered chicken fingers with her slushie, and without thinking, she had offered to share them with me, since neither of us were hungry enough to eat the whole meal. Three nuggets in, it hit me.

"Those were not BREAD nuggets, nor RICE nuggets, nor PASTA nuggets.. those were CHICKEN nuggets!" I yelled at myself.

Somehow, I had forgotten. Up until then I had cooked all of my food, so I knew I wasn't eating any meat. In this new environment, it had COMPLETELY slipped my mind. I literally felt horrible. It sounds silly, but I did. I had exclaimed out loud as soon as I realized it, and LeAnn watched my face flush, then drain in color. It sounds like I'm overreacting, and I probably was, but making vows to do anything is a big deal to me. Do I think God hates me for three chicken nuggets? Absolutely not. I actually think God was probably laughing at me for being an idiot, which is totally justifiable, because I later laughed at myself also. But, I had made a decision to fast from beef, chicken, and pork to reflect on peace and non-violence, and I had broken it, so yeah, I felt bad.

But, I got over my one mistake and continued with my fast. More mistakes ensued. I ate a soup that had beef fat in it, I ate ramen which uses chicken fat in its sauce packet, and there were a few other broths that I thought were free from animal products, but weren't.

I don't really think it was that big of a deal though, simply because of what still came out of my fast. Consistently through the summer people would ask me why I was fasting, or sort of look at me like I'm strange for giving up something as epically important as meat. OR they would assume that starting in late May, I had taken a job working with PETA. After being questioned again and again about why I was doing any fast at all, I began to get concerned that I was fasting for nothing.

"Why are you fasting? What has changed about you? If you're just giving something up to give something up, why does it matter? Are you just fasting to make yourself look good and all 'deeply religious' like? What does not eating meat have to do with promoting peace, anyway?" all happened to be questions that were either asked of me, or questions I asked myself.

Even if the fast wasn't doing anything, I couldn't dip out now. Then I would be an irreligious wuss who started a fast, couldn't hack it, and looked directly into the sky at God and said "My bad." Rather than feeling like that, I had to try to find answers. Naturally, the answers came to me through prayer, but not how you may think. A few years ago it dawned on me that I pretty much never prayed for anyone who was starving. One huge spiritual question that has always baffled me is why people are starving when Christianity believes the world has a provisional God. Since I can't really know the answer to that question, I just try to do my part in assisting in help efforts and praying that God, or anyone, will assist those that are starving and feed the hungry. When I realized I rarely do this, or even pray about it, I made it a point to pray for those who are starving when I bless my own food. One night though this summer, my prayer time went a little differently. It did not end with an "Amen" and instead, became something I wrestled with for quite a while.

I thanked God for my food, naturally, and then prayed for those that were without, as usual. It then dawned on me that maybe there is more outside of "peace" than simply what I conceive of it. To me, I was pretty much at the point of my fast where I was OVER bread, rice, and pasta. Seriously, I had been eating it for months. It was gross, it all tasted the same, and I wanted a steak pronto. Or a burger, and NOT a Boca burger, because those were horrible. It was in that moment that I realized some people alive today would kill to eat a Boca burger, or pasta, or bread, or rice. It could literally serve as a four course meal of the highest grandeur in some areas.

Yes, there were frustrating days in my fast. I went to at least two barbecue's that involved me eating chips and dip the entire night while smelling chicken and ribs, I went out for chinese and couldn't get honey chicken, I had to order a veggie burger at Ruby Tuesday's that TRULY tasted like a dirt patty, and sometimes when I went out for Italian I had to request that they take out of the pasta dish everything that makes it amazing (read: chicken and bacon and such). Still, I think my fast this summer helped me realize that peace isn't the same for everyone. Peace for me may occur when I don't have to scramble to pay a bill, while peace to another may be eating a cup of rice. I am quick to complain, slow to realize my blessings. I wondered all summer what this fast could have to do with peace and non-violence, or how any of this would matter later, when I was back to Burger King and Outback. What does this have to do with maintaining peace?

I think the end result is that I am thankful, and I've realized that there is a peace that lies within thankfulness, too. When I pray and realize my rice, bread, and pasta are something, that they are sustenance still, I realize that I should be thankful. And when I am thankful, even if only for a moment, I have realized that I don't need to clamor for more. In that moment, I know that I am provided for, and that puts me at peace.

The truth is though, that peace should not be so still and quiet that it does not rouse my heart to do something for those that are not at peace, for those that are hungry, for those that are searching for something to be thankful for. This summer has encouraged me to promote peace and nonviolence through serving others in such a way that meets needs and helps sustain. Only in doing so can I help others reach the peace I've reached myself.

how God interacts.

i've been thinking a lot lately about deism and its relation to Christianity. i have some extended thoughts about that, which i can blog some other time, but for right now i want to voice a simple curiousity i have. the reason i bring up "deism" is simply because it is a belief in a god that does not interact with humanity after creation.

i have been entertaining the issue of how God interacts with humanity. i am often disconcerted when i hear people theorize that God has done something to someone else, or that God has "led" someone, or especially if i hear someone say they "know God's will for themselves." but, my disconcertion and my doubt about those ideas makes me feel blasphemous just the same. i know it is cynical of me, but i often feel very much like those opinions are spoken/written flippantly. truthfully, i could say that God "led" me to being a writer of theological books, but i feel the sensible thing to say is that i have a talent (writing) which i am passionate about that i am pursuing as a career. you can see the difference here in diction. i am not saying God has told me i have to be a writer, or that i basically sat on my rear waiting on God to send me an e-mail telling me what to do with my life. instead, i acknowledge the gifts i have and because of my devotion to my faith i've decided to apply them towards the first and second commandment.

i know that i believe that Divinity interacted with humanity in the Christ event, what with divinity taking on flesh and being in community with humankind. i also know that i believe the Holy Spirit exists as a way for humankind to communicate with God right now. the thing is though, i'm not sure that i believe the Holy Spirit does things the way most would believe.

i believe the Holy Spirit intercedes for us, and that in that, our small humanity can engage the vastness of God. i believe that in prayer and petition the Holy Sprit can impart peace upon those that call on the name of the Lord. i believe that within the hold of the Holy Spirit the transformative gospel written years before can still transform the world we know today.

my problem with other opinions about what the Trinity "does" is that they often focus around God doing things that i think are far outside of the nature (as i perceive it) of God. or, maybe i just don't have enough faith to believe that God works like that and i am at fault.

the thing is, i don't put miracles past God. truly i don't. but what if God's miracles are being accomplished solely through the willingness of humankind to love? i just.... i read verses in which Christ states that the kingdom of God (the Church, the Body, what have you) will do greater things than Jesus did, and i feel like when people say "oh well, God will take care of that, i needn't do anything" the Church can easily brush off the need to love other people, work for the human rights of others, feed the hungry, clothe the unclothed, medicate the sick, speak for the mute, create a vision for the blind. in putting everything off on God, the church in turn scapegoats God when things don't get done. in shoving away all responsibility to be Jesus in the world today, the first and second commandment are not accomplished.

i have a lot of thoughts on this topic and i am still in the process of figuring out how i feel. please excuse my confused honesty.

embracing powers higher than ourselves.

tomorrow i will be preaching at a youth rally at mt. zion united methodist church in andalusia, alabama. with my sermon written, i figured i would post it to my blog just to share. thoughts are, as always, welcomed.

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Embracing Powers Higher Than Ourselves

I look forward to this year more than any previous. Certainly, I am excited about graduation from college and all that that entails, but there is more held within this calendar year than whatever I have in my planner. And believe me, I have that planner with all the pockets, and sticky notes attached to it. Yes, I’m that girl. Apparently there was a sermon about not putting too much on your plate in college, and I slept through it. Furthermore, I must have missed the sermon that told me not to worry about things so much that you have ulcers, not to stay up until 3 am playing board games when you have a test the next day, and DEFINITELY not to go to Panama City Beach and back that same night the day before having your FIRST final ever in college. In retrospect, I probably should have slept less and listened more. As a graduating senior in college, I have been for AT LEAST three years trying to figure out who I am, not only as a person but as a person moving towards perfection in Christ.

Yes, for this calendar year I have planned a trip to Washington, DC.. a trip to New York City.. and a trip to Juarez, Mexico. Within these trips, in New York City I will visit potential grad schools that may shape me theologically in the coming years, as well as learn more about the health care crisis at forums in Washington, DC. I will even help build homes in Juarez, Mexico. OH, and how could I forget, I will probably spend entirely too much money on clothing in New York City as I’ve heard they have more than just a GAP and Target, try to stay alive in Washington DC, and avoid anything water based in Mexico. Yes, I believe these excursions will be life changing and full of experience that will season my faith with a deeper understanding of how people work, and how I work. Yes, I believe that through these experiences and all others I will learn how to better serve God and do the work of the Church. But, I see a bigger picture unfolding just the same.

As Christians we consistently ask, or should consistently ask, “how am I to do something that revolutionizes society through faith?” I believe we can accomplish this through embracing powers higher than ourselves. I believe we can accomplish this through attitudes seasoned with humility (and equally with reason) that touch and transform the conversations we have, the people we love, and the world we inhabit. To have an attitude seasoned with humility and reason we must cling to community, ever holding fast to those to the left and right of us, in front of us and behind us. Throwing aside differences and likenesses, we must realize how important we are to one other. We must be unafraid to love, and to love without prejudice, so that we may embody humility, and with that, leave an indelible mark on the world around us. After all, we are called to be Jesus in the world today, are we not?

Of course, with everything said on the topic of faith I say this -- easier said than done. And that is why we have the Church. That is why you have your community. That is why you can look around the room and see others listening, reading, marking, learning, and inwardly digesting beside you. We have the Church so that when what is said is easy, and what is being done is lacking, we have the encouragement to push through and have lives worthy of our calling. In this, we have lives that move towards perfection in such a way that leaves a trail, allowing others to revolutionize the world we have loved ourselves.

So, what advice do I give you? Listen. Sleep through nothing. With the people around you, the potential exists for change that is beyond what you can imagine, so listen to what they have to say. In community, we are given the opportunity to view the world through a new perspective, a bright new lens that could easily change the world we know through acts of compassion and humility. This brings me to my next piece of advice. LOVE. Love in such a way that is beautifully unafraid. Setting aside differences, live out the first and second commandments – Love God and Love People. If God is love, what reason could there possibly be to not do so? In listening to community and loving all that breathes, the work of the Church is being done. In doing these things, we are able to find our identity in the light of the great I AM.

apologies & news.

though i don't think anyone is that much of a dedicated reader, i wanted to apologize for the lack of gospel reflections for the calendar weeks. it has been a very busy few weeks, but i am going to try (keyword, folks) to get back into such things. until then, you will get:

- whatever i plan to say this sunday in andalusia at the church i'm speaking at
- my first non-fiction essay i'm turning in in about a week to two weeks for class
- whatever else i feel like saying ;)

i wanted to at least give a short list of the classes i am taking this semester:

- advanced non fiction writing
- creative writing internship (not really an internship, more of a guided study)
- victorian poetry
- interdisciplinary studies: science fiction
- women's literature
- selected topics: learning the old english language

thankfully, very excited about all courses listed, ESPECIALLY women's lit. the only class that is currently "scary" so to speak is old english, so we will see how that goes. i already have loads of homework, so wahoo!

outside of 18 hours of class this semester i will be:

- trying to get into grad school
- working at the writing center as a peer tutor
- an educational forums director at the wesley foundation
- doing leadership scholar work with the wesley
- working on a short film project
- staying on the journey towards being a confirmed episcopalian (which occurs in november or maybe february? still pending.)

strangely, i am excited about doing all of this. i am in high spirits and have a good feeling about these classes. i only wish i didnt already have that homework.

anyway, wanted to keep everyone up to speed with my life. expect something better, maybe more deeply theological, soon. blessings. :)

i am a whore, i do confess...

derek webb speaks to an interesting truth in his song "wedding dress," in which he uses the metaphor of the bride and groom, while highlighting an adulterous nature found often in that relationship.  his lyrics explain:

"..i am a whore i do confess,

i put you on just like a wedding dress,

and i run down the aisle.."

in my interpretation, i believe the song, through the bride and groom metaphor, speaks to making commitments that are broken, false loves spoken for.  i believe the song speaks of a treacherous love, yet a love still.

yes, to put it bluntly, i'd argue that most Christians, me especially, claim a love and dedication to God that we consider "first and foremost," while in action, word, thought, and deed, we do otherwise.  we are adulterous lovers, as webb would say, seeking alternate forms of pleasure to find solace, self esteem, affirmation, etc.  we lie in beds of money, cradled by our own pride, and satisfied by however we rank our material gain.  

these are human actions, from which we can rarely, if ever, detach ourselves.  while i deeply admire and appreciate webb's boldness in bringing this situation to life (and boldness in using words like "whore" and "bastard" in a song about Jesus :p), i have to wonder what we do with it, especially as a Church.

the truth is, we are human.  we have carnal desires that are not, as many would argue, shameful, but instead inescapable.  but how does a person quit being who they are in order to please God?  i don't necessarily believe a person should ever quit being who they are, nor do i think doing so will win favor with God.  i do not believe a God who created humanity would then bash those who are human for who they are.  instead, i rely on two standbys as my only answer to this dilemma -- the first and second commandment.

within the divine call to love God and love people, i believe the Church gets as close as it possibly can to retreating from such spiritually adulterous lifestyles and embracing the love of God.  we cannot drop our humanity "cold turkey" as if it is a simple lush desire.  let's face it -- it is within our innermost being.  we are clothed in humanity, but through the exercising of the first and second commandment the Church finds itself enveloped in a desire (as much as is humanly possible, of course) to love God and love people more than themselves.  this certainly functions as an attitude that is not very human.  in this attitude, the Church begins to show off hearts of humility rather than the clothes of humanity.

in addition, the Church can seek out "remedies," so to speak, for the human condition within one thing -- repentance.  my priest, father jeff gibson, always speaks to our bible study group about intentionality.  though we usually speak of it in other terms, i believe it is applicable here.  there is something beautiful about repentance in that it speaks of a persons intentionality.  it speaks to a person's ability, again, to humble themselves in confession.  it also expresses a sense of realization of the human condition, rather than an oblivious attitude that rarely results in a desire to change, or change at all.

with that said, as a note, i'd like to discuss what i mean by "change."  i mentioned at the outset that i spoke of the fact that i do not believe God expects us to change who we are, so i do not want any of my comments up until now to be misunderstood.  do i think God expects people to be, as i said before, not who they are?  no, not at all.  but as a Church, we are called, and claim to be, on a journey towards perfection.  within that journey, yes, sometimes change is necessary, but it is the sort of change that does not rip us away from who we are, but instead, helps us better understand who we are, and that relation to God.  to experience this sort of change at all, the Church must read, mark, learn and inwardly digest, so that discernment can occur.  this is intentionality.

through creating us, i believe God understands us.  within that, i believe God is aware of the humanity we embody.  i don't believe God expects us to lose who we are, but instead, to strive for something outside ourselves, bigger than ourselves, through humility and repentance.

the beauty of fear.

i have been listening to a song lately that is old, but a favorite. "i will follow you into the dark" by deathcab for cutie expresses one sentiment that i have been mulling around in my mind for quite some time now. that sentiment being that fear is deeply rooted in love.

i guess for the first time in my life i'm embracing the beauty of that. it sounds scary, and is, but within the risk of love, there lies a depth of reward that i think spans far outside our comprehension level. i'm not even talking solely about romantic love.

faith encompasses the same ideal. we take a risk in trusting ourselves to a Creator that is intangible. but, i believe in taking that risk, we allow ourselves to engage Divinity. i believe we allow the innate part of our being that yearns for something outside of itself to flourish. i believe we usher in whatever part of ourselves it is that lets us hope.

and i don't know about you, but i need that. i need hope. i need to hope in God enough to trust. i need to hope in a lover enough to trust. i need to hope that whoever i am is enough. i need to hope that whatever has been done to me is something i can let go. i need to hope in something that tells me it is okay to learn to love myself.

i need to hope in something that tells me it is okay to love others, intimately and dangerously.