hollow.

i am currently going through a sickeningly introspective view of myself. i say sickening because i feel physically ill at times thinking about it. i am having a really hard time dealing with self and making sense of who i am. it is such a strange feeling, because lately i have felt more secure in erin warde than i have ever felt in my entire life, and just as soon as i feel so secure, something shifts and i am unsure. i guess my fault begins in that i believed i could ever be fully comfortable with self.

there is something innately about me that desires something i don't have. something i don't feel i've ever had. something that, because of recent surveys of past and self, i believe i may have pushed away while saying i desperately wanted. i can't decide if i have actively ruined this, or that something about me ruined this. it is a hard concept to deal with, either way.

i can come up with a ridiculous amount of things i should be and am thankful for, yet when darkness comes and i have no distractions, i am still on the verge of tears and hollow.