humility.

tonight my grandmother and i spoke for a while, and rather out of the blue she asked me something. she said, "are you a happy person? you're a happy person, aren't you?" she asked happily herself. in an effort as of late to answer things rather honestly instead of reflexively, i paused. after a moment i responded.

"i try my best."

over the past few months, my life has not been pleasant. i don't sleep much at night, i cry instead, i have quick shifts in appetite and mood, i feel sick anytime i eat, i take everything personally leading to negative feelings towards myself, i question my worth constantly, my mind always races, and i live off caffeine because i'm too lethargic to live any other way.

for the longest time i told myself everyone lives this way, that i was just feeling sick to my stomach, and that stress was natural with my schedule. i don't think i can lie to myself like that anymore. i don't think everyone has forgotten what real sleep is like. (do you know i can't remember the last night i got good sleep that wasn't caused by me taking some sort of medicine that causes drowsiness? it's awful to not remember what sleep is like.)

i don't like to admit this. i don't want to be who i am, if i'm like this. i type all of this with the concern that if anyone reads this, they'll say to themselves, "oh, okay, so she's fucking crazy." i feel crazy in that i feel like everyone's going to think i'm unstable, unable to work, ready to fly off the handle. i didn't want to admit to myself that this is who i am, that i have a problem, that i'm human.

that maybe i need a little more help than others.

i decided the mature thing to do was to seek help. i'm not quitting school or anything, but i'll be going to a counselor when the spring semester starts. we'll see how that goes and what progresses. i'm still taking 18 hours of classes (happily), still working at the writing center (i love my job), and still graduating (thank goodness, fingers are crossed). i just might have to make some very intentional choices about how my time is spent outside of classes, work, and church.

my life seems to have created so many demons, and now i feel like my own body is one of them. i can't fight myself any longer, so i have to take who i am and handle it. i decided the mature thing to do is deal with this when i'm 21, instead of waiting until i'm 50 and hitting rock bottom or something. that would be a total epic fail.

when i decided this wasn't normal, i took tests online (dorky, i know) but all my concerns seem to line up with generalized anxiety disorder or severe depression. it was actually really nice to see that my symptoms/behavioral characteristics actually made some sense.

i'm seeking help. i'm not stupid, i'm not insane, i'm not crazy, and i'm not out of control. i think i'm just stressed more than some people, which has repercussions. i've been told a lot of this can be chemical imbalances.

i just want peace. i can't think of a single time in my life i was free of thought and worry.

also, i know there is a huge stigma about people who are Christian yet deal with these sorts of issues. there's the prevailing idea that these feelings start because of a person not "giving something to God," some specific sin that is reigning in a person's life.

if when you read this, your advice to me was going to be based around that, i'd prefer you keep that thought to yourself, with all do respect. i don't need to be demonized; i do that to myself enough. each and every morning i wake up and work out my salvation with fear and trembling, as the Bible advises. if the Bible is right, and a state of humility is the best place for a person to be -- believe me, i'm there.

the spiritual encouragement i need is community and compassion. that's what i've always understood real Christianity to be about, and that's all i ask for. as for specific spiritual advice, i'll be seeing a counselor who focuses a bit on spirituality, so she and i can talk that out. otherwise, i have a priest and i have the wesley foundation and i have any other spiritual confidants that i choose.

also, this isn't a note i wrote to spark discourse. if you disagree with something in here, that's fine, but the purpose of this is to write things out and feel some catharsis, not so that any of you can have facebook wars over your opinion on this, that, or the other. this isn't about opinions. if you'd like to talk about mental issues and your opinions on them, you're welcome to write your own note, but this isn't an argumentative forum.

this is just about me being real with myself and being real with my communities. the people i live with, the people i see at church on sundays, the people i take classes with possibly, the order of saint luke, the wesley foundation, etc. (if you're tagged, you're probably part of these communities.. and if you're not tagged, it isn't personal).

lastly, for a while now i've been known as someone who listens and counsels people through various issues, and some of you have been talking to me about your problems recently. please understand that just because i have problems of my own doesn't mean i am not available to help others through theirs. other people need help just as much as i do, and i'd be happy to be those ears to anyone who needed that (and i've been happy to listen up until now, no worries). so, if i've worked with you on your personal issues lately, you can keep talking to me. i listen to you because i love you and want to help.

in short, i don't know peace, but i'm working towards it. oh, and please don't pity me -- i'll be okay.

sometimes i go the wrong way so my GPS will talk to me.

after many nights of family and montgomery-ness, i escaped to troy for the night with brittany, looking for fun, etc. before leaving montgomery, we decided that it would be good to eat at chili's before we left. ugh. neither of us had ever eaten there before and if i am ever picking a restaurant again, i will not be picking chili's. service was awful, followed by me ordering shrimp that was super fishy tasting (which i'm sorry but shrimp isn't supposed to taste like i ordered fish) which was promptly sent back because it made me gag. my final meal? mashed potatoes and chips and salsa. ummmm, not a lot of vegetarian (or even PESCAtarian) options available. thanks chili's. thanks for putting murder into just about everything you serve. so i got a side order of mashed potatoes, chips, and one drink (alcoholic -- summer paradise or something) and it was SIXTEEN dollars. um, that drink was not worth 8 dollars. thanks for not putting any sort of prices on your drink menu. but, alas, it was funny to laugh at how awful it was.

once we got to troy, we stopped at one of the i think 3 bars in troy -- the double branch. while this isn't a place i'd regularly hang out (it was rather sketchy, lol) it made for an interesting night. lots of laughing, strangely we met random people, good bartender, and some friends met us there (fred, ki, and glynn -- yay!). upon finishing there, we went back to fred and ki's apartment to hang out, then back to brittany's for sleep time. all in all, i pretty much have zero complaints about last night. it was random, and enjoyable, and not montgomery. :)

now, time to be back in montgomery for about 11 more days. woo!

new year's "resolution"?

i personally pretty much hate things like making a new year's resolution, but talking to a friend last night about hers made me realize that i do, in fact, want to try to make a point to do something more -- and that's write daily. i am not saying it's a resolution, because i needn't put a name on it, but it is something i'd like to stick to doing. i'm going to try to blog daily, but it might end up being something i do in a journal, not for all of you to see.

in other news, it's Christmas, and i've had a good past few days. i received many things i'm very thankful for, and have enjoyed (for the most part) time with family. my sister gave me the movie Wall-E, which i think is absolutely adorable and i'm happy i have it. i got a beautiful pea coat, which i will need when i move more northern. i also got the satanic verses by salman rushdie, which is rather convenient because i may use it as a primary literary text in my guided independent study on post-colonialism. the only downside is that while i initially was happy that i wouldn't have to buy the book, the copy my mom got me is beautiful and i'm not sure i want to write all in it. so, i may buy a cheap used copy for studies and keep the other copy, or i may just go ahead and write in it. i also was given the vegan sourcebook. this book has pretty much solidified that i am moving towards being a vegan, though doing so pretty much requires me to move somewhere else, because on-campus dining doesn't really allow for me to eat right (ugh). but seriously, i line up with SO MUCH of the philosophy in this book, and as soon as i have a kitchen, i think i can totally use the recipes and live this way. also, i got a williams sonoma recipe book of all veggie dishes. i'm rather excited! hopefully this can lead to a general lifestyle that is a lot healthier, and mingles personal philosophy/spirituality with my diet and daily living.

in less happy news, i'm realizing something about myself that i have to figure out. it isn't pretty, but i'm trying to humble myself enough to trust people and deal with it. none of that is easy. being home helped me realize the magnitude of dealing with it though, so here i go... time to try to deal with it. bleh. i'm not really sure how open i want to be with it; i've only spoken to one person about it, so we'll see how that goes. the person i spoke to about it made me feel so much better about the entire situation, though i still have a ton of fears.

well, i didn't really mean to write this much, but i did. i've had a lot of downer moments this break (won't get into that), but i'm trying not to complain too much. here's hoping i get to see more of the people i was excited to see when i came home. i'm still trying to solidify new year's eve plans, but i'm sure that'll all fall into place.

hope everyone's having a good break from school/work/whatever, and that everyone has had happy holidays.

the existence of soul part 2.

for anyone who reads my blog fairly steadily, you may remember a blog about "the existence of soul." when i wrote that, i was not making a statement of my own belief, but simply working out (through words) my thoughts.

in reading "new seeds of contemplation" i have new thoughts to add to the question of how soul and body interact.

a quote from thomas merton:

"Hence we say rightly, though symbolically, that the body is the 'temple of God,' meaning that His truth, His perfect reality, is enshrined there in the mystery of our own being. Let no one, then, dare to hate or despise the body that has been entrusted to him by God, and let no one dare to misuse this body. Let him not desecrate his own natural unity by dividing himself, soul against body, as if the soul were good and the body evil. Soul and body together subsist in the reality of the hidden, inner person. If the two are separated from one another, there is no longer a person, there is no longer a living, subsisting reality made in the image and likeness of God. The 'marriage' of body and soul in one person is one of the things that makes man the image of God; and what God has joined no man can separate without danger to his sanity."

i don't know exactly what commentary i could have on this -- it's beautifully straight forward, really. i agree with merton's words, he makes incredible points, AND a lot of what he's said goes against some of the logic i presented in my previous post, i think. this is good -- being challenged is good. i need to continue study this both through merton and biblically.

expect "the existence of soul part 3." :)

re-inventing morality.

I read an article this week that speaks about Newsweek’s decision to write on the issue of gay marriage. You can read the article I read here. Within the article you’ll notice this quote:

“[This] battle among Christians is a battle over Christian morality, over the notion that God does indeed expect His faithful followers to conduct themselves according to moral standards which are expressed in the Bible and taught faithfully in Christian tradition. Our relativistic age has had a problem with the whole idea, and is constantly re-inventing the notion of morality to mean whatever we want it to mean.”

I’m not going to argue with someone about whether or not morality means things to people these days, because when I see parents killing their children and spouses killing spouses, I wonder if there is any morality, too. It is a very strong word, morality, and it is used often in spiritual contexts to talk about our actions, words, and deeds.

My question is this – how is the action of “re-inventing morality” horrifying when done in the name of gay marriage, but ignored in the decision to not turn the other cheek, not feed the hungry, not to sell all possessions and give to the poor? Because, seriously, who accomplishes those things to the radical extent that is expressed in the gospels? I certainly don’t. While I am not condoning the re-inventing of morality, I’m wondering why, as the Church, we can’t seem to either a) quit claiming that we do things in the name of morality or b) actually live up to the standards/morality the Bible has set.

At times, I feel like this all results in looking past planks to find splinters. Of sinners, I am the worst.

PS: I'd also watch this: interesting commentary from BOTH.

needless to say..

it has been a while since i've written, but i thought i'd go for something a little less deep as contemplations on the existence of soul. ;) instead, an update, and something rather personal.

the past few weeks have been me trying to finish up classes, do them well, and get good grades. for the first time in my life, i felt like i had an honest chance at a 4.0 and i didn't get it. i got 5 A's and 1 B. while i should be proud of myself, being so close yet not attaining what i wanted hurts. i just wanted a good 4.0 to help my GPA before transcripts got sent to grad schools. so much for that. i got my B in the stupidest class i had this entire semester; the class i abhorred. i am still angry, but realizing that life goes on. c'est la vie.

otherwise, i have good news. i slaved over a paper for my women's lit class (my teacher does NOT play, she is amazingly intelligent and expects a heck of a lot out of her students, which is refreshing). thankfully, i got a 48/50 on the paper and my professor rather liked it. even more exciting, my professor sent me an email over the break about a conference at george mason university in VA that is based around post colonialism/globalization studies. she suggested a book to me and i am going to read it and incorporate that knowledge into my paper and submit it in hopes of being a presenter at the conference. if i am accepted, i get $250 and a wonderful resume building presentation opportunity. OH and i get to go to virginia. woo. the paper that i wrote was about one of the main characters of the god of small things and how she pursues her own self-consciousness relationally, and how in doing so she breaks societal norms. it's a very feminist paper, with two of the main theoretical secondary texts being "the laugh of the medusa" by helene cixous and "this sex which is not one" by luce irigaray.

also, i don't know if this was blogged -- i wrote an abstract and sent it to the people at the popular culture association and it was accepted. i'll be speaking at a conference in new orleans this april. i'll be speaking on the topic of the chretien de troyes arthurian romances and how the view of faith shifts between those narratives and the narrative expressed in the 2004 film king arthur with clive owen.

on a less intellectual note, friday night i went to auburn to celebrate my friend ethan's 21st birthday, which was a lot of fun. dinner at niffer's, hookah at insomnia, drinks at a sketch bar, what more could we want? ;) in all seriousness, it was a blast. got to meet some new people (lots of really interesting, intellectual, fun-loving, welcoming people) and i'm sure that ethan enjoyed his birthday blast so i was pleased with that outcome.

but wait, there's more! we woke up saturday morning at jill's apartment and decided to go to atlanta with a bunch of people we didn't know. random? yes. spontaneity, ftw. the only thing that was really ftl is that i ended up going to target and buying clothes, because i didn't plan to be not in montgomery for that long, lol. anyway, once there, we ate at taco mac (after a long walk to find it) and then played frisbee at centennial square (maybe that's what it's called?), got starbucks, then headed back.

again, lots of really cool people. for some reason i had a ridiculously short temper/nerve, and in retrospect i feel really bad about that. i hope i can hang out with those people again so that there is an understanding that anything i said that was short tempered was not personal, but very internal.

so that was my weekend. and today? today i've spent time working on graduate essays and am almost officially applied to MTSO. i have to send off transcripts, and i need to send off all the application materials to apply for their harding scholarship (full tuition and a $10,000 stipend) which i desperately want. still, i feel rather accomplished.

and now, a small last note that i would like to share -- why does the phrase "needless to say" exist in the common lexicon? the phrase is ridiculous and i have become accustomed to saying it, but am kicking the habit. if something needs not be said, then why would you say it? UGH. i don't know why it bothers me so much, but it just strikes me as useless. i'd love for someone to tell me a usage of it though, so that maybe 1) it wouldn't drive me crazy, 2) i could have a good reason as to why i say it all the time, lol.

and, that's all. it's a very scattered entry, but it's my thoughts. enjoy. say hey :)

the existence of soul.

i haven't written much as of late, because i've been wrapping my mind around the ridiculous amount of papers i've had to write. while i might not be recording my thoughts, i still tend to be consistently coming up with questions and consistently seeking answers.

recently i had a thought, which has unravelled into a question/predicament. first of all, let me set the stage by saying that my spiritual views are not defined by a set of actions that one should do or not do in an attempt to achieve "morality." morality, you see, is a subjective term (societally). what is permissible to me may be an abomination to another, yet may not be that big of a deal at all to someone else.

my question though deals with the entire concept of people "saving souls." why is it that, so commonly, sermons that are trying to "save souls" are simultaneously arguing that souls need to be saved because the person is engaging in "immoral" acts?

let me explain my issue with the notion. the thing is, first - we are dealing with the concept of the soul. if a person happens to believe that people have souls, a person would (most likely) agree that the soul of a person is not hinged upon physical being. the entire concept of there being an afterlife gives the philosophical/spiritual assent that, because a person has a soul, a person can exist (as a soul) without their body.

with that said, why is the biggest concern dealing with how a soul exists, often things that are physical desires? drinking, sex, drugs... these are very physical desires, very much linked to our bodies. yet, we seem to gather that by a person doing these things, their soul is in jeopardy?

i guess i just believe these concepts are rather discordant, when i think about them. the crux exists in the fact that i do believe that a person's ontology is marked by the coexistence of their body and their soul. this would, of course, seem to suggest that i do think physical actions affect the soul. the thing is though, i don't believe that. while i believe they coexist, i'm not sure i believe that one of the two factors results in a soul being "in right standing," and such.

i guess the bigger crux, though, is that i am not comfortable with anyone being the legislator of this subjective morality and i do not believe that any person has the ability to "save souls." the entire idea of saving souls would stem from a person believing that they had an otherworldly power that gave them such rights. while i make the spiritual assent that many are called to do good things in the Lord's name (i believe the sacraments offer ontological change as well as mystical change and influence), i believe even these callings do not lead someone who is still living in their body, that tattered coat upon a stick, to do what i believe only the great I AM could do.

and, in closing, i just can't tell you (in good conscience) that i believe that i or anyone else existing physically knows how, exactly, to "save souls," because knowing how to do so would mean knowing a soul fully and it is hard for me to believe anyone on this earth knows any soul fully -- even their own.

(i enjoy having questions. there is a peace within knowing that i am striving towards perfection and testing everything and discerning what is good.)