trust.

so, when i first realized i had to answer my call to ministry so that i could find peace for myself, a single song really sealed the deal on me doing so and not neglecting who i am, and who i believe i am meant to become. well, today has been just as beautifully horrifying as answering a call to the priesthood. from the outset of pursuing this call, i realized i would be called to "trust the process" and that "my life is no longer my own." it sounds scary, just to hear that idea... but today, i realized how scary it is to have it stare you in the face, and how scary it is to answer to it. after today, i've returned to the same song of questions that i asked myself upon accepting this call. so, here it is, the hymn that continues to change my life:

"the summons"

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown?
Will you let my name be known,

will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?



Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?



Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,

and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?


Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,

through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?



Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.

In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

blessings to each of you that read this night. be praying for me, that i am a servant of beautiful faith and that in doing so, i am given the peace i so desire and yearn for. whatever happens, i do trust my priest and my bishop -- i believe they truly love me as a person and want the best for me, so that maybe i can do something for the church, with God's help. i do trust the process, i just hope i am brave enough to make it through. and with that, another song that means a lot to me right now, though a lot of the lines are much harder than they sound i am learning that:

"if i'm brave" by alli rogers

I will find my place
I don't know what's going on today
But lead me down
Whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear

But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left

And if I'm brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
'Cause I have found
That the sweetest moment on this road
Is moving forward, not knowing where to go

And you have never left me
I have broken down
And danced around your truth
And you have never left

And if I'm brave I will
If I'm brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing's ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
And I still can't see your face

But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
And you have never left
You have never left me
And if I'm brave I will, if I'm brave

i'm trying to say, in all things, thanks be to God. love you all.