the seminary experience. (part 1)

it seems as if whenever i am sick, a blog happens. something about prolonged periods of time without human interaction that makes me just crazy enough to write out my thoughts.

seminary. wow. what a place. this is easily one of the most paradoxical stages of my entire life, which seems fitting when i see how much Jesus spoke using the same sort of mind-bending logic and heart that seminary requires. there is nothing about seminary that is as "figured out" as a person (specifically myself) may think it is. there is always a hidden truth lurking behind every thought, word, or deed. in seminary, the air in the atmosphere of this community will blow the cover off of the places in which these feelings lurk, and just as soon as this has happened, another wind will blow to bring it into the open - to bring it up for observation.

i am tired of being told this is all formational. i am tired of sharing my feelings. i am tired of being laid so bare in community.

i say this to say that seminary has provided me with many existential breakdowns, and i see many more coming my way. "who do you say that i am?" this is a question Jesus asks the disciples, but the more i think about it, it's a question i need to consider more myself.

who do you say that i am? who is it that i say God is? who is it that i say i am? who is it that says who i am?

i continue to search out the answers to these questions, and i always will, knowing that the truth i will find will most likely point to the fact that it is either a) something i've always known or b) something that is taught only through the journey or c) both and even d) yes.

and in searching out those answers, i am sure one day i will realize it really was all formational (somehow), that my feelings needed to be shared to prevent me spontaneously combusting, and that being laid bare in community is nowhere near as scary as being laid bare before God as a priest.

in my history & hermeneutics class, we have studied pre-exilic Israel all the way through the romans and into the deuteronomistic history, with many references to the new testament along the way, but through a clear lens of second temple judaism. i have never been a huge fan of the old testament, but this class has showed me something new and something beautiful about the old testament - it is the story of the continual need that humanity has. this is a need for God, a need for others, a need for identity, a need for restoration.

i guess when it boils down to it, i am so much like a post-exilic Jew i can barely describe it to you. i need God, i need others, i need to know my own identity, i need to be restored.

and that's what seminary is for me - an identity search. a prayer to God, asking God, "who do you say that i am?" somehow, when i ask that, God seems to answer that i am a priest in training, though i do not know how i ended up here, except maybe the fact that there is a recurring theme in the Bible of God picking the least likely subjects to do God's work.

this is scattered, and the verse isn't even explained in context, meaning it was exegeted poorly, but right now, this is about what i feel and how i struggle, so exegesis can wait.

and for the next two and a half years, i have a feeling my life will be full of feelings and struggles, as i cry out to God "Lord, have mercy... Christ, have mercy... Lord, have mercy."

amen.

new outlook on relationships.

i have a lot of love in my soul, and God would not bestow so much love on me if i wasn't meant to invest it in others.

the only thing i don't love about austin is ALLERGIES.

many have asked, so i feel it is necessary to update everyone on my health. about three days after moving to austin i started to feel a little tickly in my throat, which i immediately assumed was a sinus pressure/small allergy type thing, so got cough drops, took ibuprofen, maybe a little sudafed here and there, and assumed things would be fine. well, by last wednesday i had spent at least two sleepless nights due to coughing, so i decided to go see a doctor.

not knowing anyone in austin, a fellow seminarian (her name is joann - she's such a sweetheart and i LOVE her) recommended i go to a minute clinic, which is a small clinic inside of some CVS locations. i was down, so i went. (i should note, a seminarian named eric took me and he is a very kind person. we had great discussions about politics and austin, and he was very nice company. very appreciative to him.) i went to the minute clinic and the doctor there did a strep test and a flu test, both of which came back negative. she had seen many 5-day virus sorts of things going around, so she advised me to take mucinex, get rest, and that it should go away.

unfortunately, it did not go away. many sleepless nights later, the most recent sleepless night being last night, i realized something had to be wrong with me, because not only did i still feel bad, but i felt WORSE. constant throat pain, tickly throat, hurt to swallow, uncontrollable coughing sometimes, runny nose, mucus coming out of my eyes, blood when i blew my nose, ear pain, headache. there were just too many symptoms. so, this morning i went back to the minute clinic, with the help of kathleen who is absolutely sweet and compassionate and i am very appreciative of her. not only did she give me a ride, but she was really fun to have around when i felt like crap. :) anyway, the doctor (same one) told me she thought maybe it was a severe allergy infection. she referred me to a clinic that could give me better medicine choices, as apparently working at a minute clinic means hands are tied on some treatments.

so, off we went to bee caves medical. i waited about an hour to get to a doctor's office, but then once i was there i was treated REALLY well. the doctor believes i have a severe allergy infection that was bordering on bronchitis, as well as an ear infection. i was put on many medicines and i am currently taking mucinex, tussionex, singulair, claritin, and levaquin. i went to the store and got two bottles of pedialyte (one of which i have already finished), popsicles, oatmeal, lentil soup, black bean soup, chicken noodle soup, fruit juices, and sucrets to keep me nourished. the doctor and i discussed allergies generally speaking in austin, and it seems i'm going to need to pretty much always be on claritin and taking in a ton of vitamin c and basically ALWAYS be working on preventative care for my allergies. in truth, that works for me, especially since all that will do is make me more conscious of my health and will encourage me to be healthier as a person.

random note, but something i realized about myself today -- i am a huge proponent of using all natural herbal medicines, but i think (for me anyway) only as preventative medicine. once i'm sick, i want the antibiotic. but, that's just me.

on a very bad note, today's medical costs, which includes my co-pay, cost of medicines, and the foods i needed to feel better...... i shelled out $200. if you count what i bought last wednesday when i went to the minute clinic the first time, i am probably close to ALMOST $300 in trying to keep myself well. finances will always be bad, but this isn't making it any easier.

BUT, my new friend jessie has a mantra that i cling to: there is no scarcity, God will provide.

and i believe that. :) thanks for all the prayers, everyone. i'll keep everyone posted on how this sickness goes!

austin, tx. :)

i haven't blogged in a WHILE, and for that i apologize. i've had a ridiculously hectic time this summer, juggling multiple jobs and then, of course, moving here -- to austin, tx. now that my move is complete, i'd like to keep you updated.

i have a cute 400 square foot apartment, with rent that's super low at about $450. i love being here and though it lacks the "erin flair" right now, i'm positive it will happen over time and you'll be able to walk in and know i live there. :P i live in close community to tons of other seminarians that i'm close with, so it's a very nice place to be.

as soon as i really got even somewhat settled and started attending seminary events, i knew this is where i was meant to be for the next three years of my life. when bad things happen, i may feel like this isn't where i'm meant to be, but i know there is an overwhelming peace here about my life and how i should be formed for my calling.

the only current bad news would be that i have a virus. someone i don't know very well, but someone compassionate obviously, took me to a minute clinic this morning and i was told i probably just have a random virus that i have to be patient with and just sort of push through. it's been difficult, because it's taken away a lot of sleep amidst SO much to do, but i know it'll be okay, i just want it to end super quickly. like right now. actually, speaking of right now, i'm awake because my sore throat is preventing me from sleeping.

a positive to being sick so early would certainly be that i've already seen so much kindness from the people around me. everyone's asked about me and done things for me and been super sweet. i love my class. while i feared that no one would be my age, there are many single girls for me to hang out with and really neat and wonderful younger married couples that are delightful to be around. i have no complaints about the people in my class.

since i got here, every night that i wasn't sick i've had the opportunity to go out with people from my class and had a fantastic time. people are super sweet and we have random theological conversations amidst silly conversations, which is just how i like my talks to be seasoned. i feel like i can be myself and i desperately need that. thanks be to God. :)

now that i've explained how great everything is, i should list my class schedule:

Biblical Languages for Preaching and Teaching: Hebrew
Biblical Studies: History and Hermeneutics I
Spiritual Formation of the Person
Liturgical Music I
Text and Context: Tools for Experiential Learning
Intro to the History of Christianity: Apostolic Era to 1650
Writing for Ministry
Liturgy and Ascesis: The Way the Church Teaches

Total: 16.5 Hours

the last class listed is the elective i want to take, so it could change if it happens to already be full. anyway, 16.5 hours is a TON, but i'm sure it will be alright. i'm not the first person to do this. ;)

tomorrow we get assigned work studies, which i'm so excited about, making me the hugest nerd ever, lol. i will blog what i was assigned to do.

OH. sunday i got to visit a church in dripping springs, tx and i enjoyed it. i can already tell i will be broken out of my understanding of episcopalian worship throughout this year as i visit churches, but i think it will be an interesting and positive experience that is very important for my formation. speaking of what i'm used to, i really really really miss st. mark's. if i have one lamentation, it is that i could not take my family, church family, and friends family with me to austin. still, i know this is for the best, so that i can break out of comfort zones and continue in the process of becoming who i am meant to be, with God's help.

i love you all and miss you very dearly.

two collects i wrote.

saturday night, filled with nervousness and other emotional issues, i couldn't sleep and didn't know how to pray about what was on my heart. after praying a few prayers from the BCP, i decided to write two of my own. here they are.

O God, the healer of lepers and author of love: Guide us, too, out of caves of loneliness, hurt, and injustice; lead us into your loving community; fill us with the hope you give; and illuminate our paths with your eternal light; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

O God, the comfort of those who are alone: Give us peace in our solitary existence; remind us of the community you have built; wipe our tears when we cry; love us when we feel none do, for we know you are faithful; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.

Jesus 6:1-21 –- Miraculously Loving Others

this is the sermon i preached today, which was my last sunday at st. mark's. comments are welcomed. :)

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In the name of the One God: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit – who feeds us when we are hungry and meets us where we are in the sea, Amen.

A while ago, when asked what Sunday I wanted to preach next, I carefully studied the different texts for the weeks ahead and finally chose this week to preach, because I know the intensity of the text, as well as the fact that I wanted to preach on my last Sunday at St. Mark's. As the date grew nearer and I started to do my research of the texts today, I realized something about preaching on texts such as the Feeding of the Five Thousand and Jesus Walking on Water. I spoke with Tate a few days ago and I explained to him that in preaching on such a known story as this, and a story as powerful as miracles performed by Jesus, there is a double edged sword -- while it is a nice text to preach on, there is a lot of – responsibility – given to the preacher to bring a message that is even somewhat as inspiring as the story itself.

I've heard others speak on this gospel narrative before, noting that some scholars believe what "actually happened" was that a community pooled together their resources to ensure that everyone around them was fed. In doing my research, I found a scholar who disagreed. He writes that this idea "is put forward because some people just have difficulty in accepting miracles, or even in recognizing the power of God." Frankly, reading this upset me. I happen to love the idea of a community, knowing they were in the presence of a God that provides, providing for one another. It seems to me to be a picture of the people actually following what Jesus did, and emulating it. While scholars believe people followed Jesus not knowing that he would be an eternal king, and instead desiring him to be an earthly king, still -- the beautiful picture of a community emulating Jesus's actions strikes a very positive cord with me.

The same writer from before continues in saying, "The irony is that if this Gospel is about anything at all, it is about the difference between the way we think and the way God thinks. We are finite, God is infinite. Our thought processes are defined by the worlds in which we live, complete with our prejudices, our biases, our politics... God, on the other hand, thinks outside the box and brings about results that we could not bring about on our own." To this point, I wholeheartedly agree. But, with that point made, doesn't that make the idea of a community feeding each other, regardless of prejudices, all the more beautiful? Doesn’t it make the concept of people breaking outside of their biases and their politics to love others, all the more… Miraculous?

Still, many argue this takes the miracle out of the miraculous, and I understand this complaint completely. I do believe Jesus performed a miracle. I believe Jesus performed that miracle then and still performs that miracle now. When the text says that Jesus gave thanks, the word used for thanks in the Greek is eucharista, which is obviously the word from which we get the institution of the sacrament of the Eucharist. It is a miracle to think that God would feed the five thousand, but also a miracle to think that God feeds us still. This gospel narrative also correlates with the story of Moses and the provisions made by God to the people by feeding them with manna from heaven.

When we entertain the idea that the consecration of the Eucharist takes us into community with saints from the past, in the present, and who will be in the future, we take a seat alongside the five thousand and we look at the altar as Jesus gives thanks and breaks the bread that we will take from across the altar rail. So, really, the concern is not whether or not a community pools their resources, the point that is noted is that when the bread is broken and consecrated, we all pool our resources – resources of the mind, body, and soul – and take on the responsibility to give of ourselves and our prejudices to the point that we are willing to have community with ALL the saints and kneel beside anyone at the altar rail to each be fed with spiritual food.

It is important to note that the gospel text today is not only about Jesus feeding people. It is also about Jesus walking on water and meeting the disciples in their boat. I promise you, I will offer you no theories of what "actually happened" here, but instead rely on the narrative offered by John. Now, it is clear that the men in the boat were terrified to see Jesus walking on water. They truly looked at him with awe, knowing not only his power, but also the power he could have over them.

To digress for a second, I happen to be an absolute lover of the beach. I remember one summer I went to the beach and, after finding some alone time, I sat in front of the sea and dug my fingers into the sand. I love the feeling of cool sand between my fingers and toes. I pulled my hands out of the sand and happened to look at my fingernails, to find grain upon grain of sand encased within them. I was immediately struck with the beautiful image of God and the Church. While these grains of sand can fit within my fingernails, they also – together – hold the weight of the entire sea.

I wonder if we are the like the sand, seemingly insignificant and tiny, but called by our baptismal covenants to be the Church, and to live into those vows, so that we in our finite flesh may embody the great, vast, infinite God that rests on our shoulders, and moves like the sea. If this is the case, we too should be terrified like the disciples. We should stand in awe at the realization that we’ve been asked to live into this responsibility.

I do believe that God brings about results that we could not bring about on our own, but I also believe God often accomplishes this through the times in which we decide to actually live into our baptismal covenants. We are asked to seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving our neighbors as ourselves. We are asked to strive for justice and peace among all people, and to respect the dignity of every human being.

While the five thousand may have done it unknowingly, should we give into the theory that they fed each other, these five thousand seem to be living into the baptismal covenant. On the other hand, if we don’t give into that theory, it is still apparent that Jesus is showing us how to live into our baptismal covenants through his feeding of the people. And certainly Jesus was present within that as he stood there, just as Jesus is still present when we live into our covenants as the Church.

But, living into these vows is a responsibility just as great as the mighty sea that rolls and rests upon our shoulders, when we are as grains of sand within a fingernail. And in these moments, as we carry this responsibility, Jesus walks upon the sea and in his presence we are reminded of who we are and whose we are. Jesus meets us in the sea and says, "It is I; do not be afraid," and – forgive the pun – but miraculously, we feel some of the weight of the sea lifted, though we are still conscious of the responsibilities we have committed ourselves to.

As I speak to you on my last Sunday at Troy, I would like to take a moment to thank the church family of St. Mark’s for being the grains of sand that have joined with me to carry the weight of the sea. When I visited this church, I was welcomed into the crowd of the five thousand and invited to feast with each and every one of you. I’ve been fed with spiritual food as well as literal food. On a side note, when I’ve been fed with literal food from St. Mark’s, there’s always been a vegetarian option, and I appreciate that. I’ve sat beside you in pews and knelt beside you at the altar. Though there’s an age gap between myself and most of you, I’ve never been treated like a “little girl” and always as a woman and an equal – I appreciate your respect and credit this congregation with so much of the knowledge that has made me a mature young woman.

We have laughed together for sure, and you’ve felt comfortable enough to joke with me openly and honestly, and I’ve always known the heart of love behind each comment. Father Jeff has listened to me sob over the phone, but has never counted this as my weakness, which has blessed and lightened my heart. When it came down to the single most important day of the year in the life of an Anglican – Easter Vigil – you trusted me with handling the offering, the sacraments, the gospel book, and fire. I still have no idea why you trusted me with that, but I’m flattered. Speaking of miracles today, it’s a miracle you still have a church if you’re willing to trust someone like me with fire. You also trusted me with carrying the cross as crucifer for the first time, and just last Sunday even.

You’ve written me letters of recommendation, which has been a blessing to me. Thank you for giving of your time so freely so that I can go to graduate school. Your generous donations to the discretionary fund have gotten me through tough times and I will never forget that love that you’ve shown me. Just this past summer, I’ve had a discernment committee composed of incredibly loving people who asked me questions I had never asked myself and who have illuminated areas of my being I couldn’t have been aware of through self-inspection. You’ve helped prepare me for the ministry I feel called to, and for that I am eternally grateful.

I considered listing people by name that I would like to thank, but truthfully, if you flip through pretty much the entire St. Mark’s directory, you’ll find all the names I would have listed. Thank you for reading the gospels with me, but also for being living examples of what those gospels, as well as the covenants we’ve made with the Church, truly mean. When I’ve been a grain of sand beside you under the sea, if I don’t hear the voice of God saying, "It is I; do not be afraid," you are quick to relay the message and remind me of the peace that God offers amidst troublesome times.

When it comes to this community together, as well as each of you individually, I must say – thanks be to God!

seminary.

i haven't blogged in forever, but joseph p. mathews, OSL encouraged me to do so through his own blogging about starting seminary. the truth is, just like pursuing ministry, this life transition is beautifully horrifying. on one hand, i'm thrilled about moving to a place i have never lived and experiencing things that will enhance my reasoning and help me out in ministry, which is a good thing to happen when a person is in seminary. ;)

on the other hand, it has started to become ridiculously clear how much i will struggle financially during seminary. (not to mention as i struggle through the classes!) the good news? i'm pretty positive every seminarian alive has struggled through seminary, and if not every one, every single one i've talked to. the financial aid advisor at seminary of the southwest in austin, tx said that struggling through seminary financially is formational for ministry, because as a priest you have to ask for money a lot too. i'm just going to tell myself, "it's formational... it's formational... it's formational..." well, i hope i will respond that way, anyway.

you would think it would be easier for someone going into the ministry to "just have faith," but i struggle with that with each passing day. i guess that's what happens when you're human. ;)

there are areas of my life i am discontented with, but i'm trying to, as derek webb says, "be kept guessing, with these blessings in disguise" and "walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes." as i write this, there is a gnawing feeling of loneliness in my gut, but there have to be blessings in disguise within the holes i feel in my heart. i just know there are.

thank you for any prayers that have been sent my way, because i feel them. continue to pray for me, if you will, as this little girl moves to a big city.

Pentecost 3 -- Gospel Text: Matthew 4:25-41 -- Jesus Calms the Storms of Fear and Doubt

In the name of God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit, who sustains us through love and peace – Amen.

In the gospel text today, the first thing we notice is that Jesus encourages the disciples into this trip to "the other side." Jesus calls them to leave the "crowd" and venture into the Sea of Galilee, a sea known by the fisherman with Jesus to be dangerous and prone to storms. In the ancient world, seas were known to be chaotic, scary places, which harbored monsters of the deep that could only be controlled by the power of the ethereal God. Jesus calls them out of the comfort they know and into this sublime sea. The disciples faithfully take Jesus’s invitation, which almost seems to be the anti-thesis of foreshadowing, as we will see later in the text when there is a lack of faith.

For those of you that don’t know, I am a social networking guru. Enveloped in Facebook and constantly checking Gmail, and adding on a new addiction – Twitter. Twitter is a website that allows users to send 140 character messages to anyone that chooses to see their updates. A while ago, I got a Tweet, that is – an update from a friend on Twitter, from my friend Reed that read: "I am learning how close absolute faith is to certain doubt. Both steal silently into the heart." I immediately became captivated by the idea and knew I wanted to preach on this gospel text, because there was a common thread: faith and doubt. Why do we have faith? Why do we doubt?

Recently I’ve been reading The Preaching Life by Barbara Brown Taylor, so I can’t resist the opportunity to quote her in this sermon. In this book she writes, “God has given us good news in human form and has even given us the grace to proclaim it, but part of our terrible freedom is the freedom to lose our voices, to forget where we are going and why.” I have the suspicion that in that boat, the disciples forgot in the midst of fear, where they were going and why. Doubt had stolen silently into their hearts. They were not without their voices entirely, because they called out to Jesus “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” but they had certainly lost whatever voice of faith they had to accept Jesus’s invitation to the sea to begin with. It’s possible they did not forget where they were going and why, but they certainly forgot who they were going with. Still, we as the Church do often forget where we are going, because we don’t have a man following us around, napping just a few feet away that we can wake with our voices when they tremble with fear. Or do we? In the moment the disciples cried out, Jesus awoke, and the storms ceased, because the wind and the waters obeyed him then, and whether we struggle with this truth, the storms of our lives obey him now, and when we awake in the night, fearful and doubting, Jesus proclaims the same truth – “Peace! Be still!”

I believe that while Jesus did rebuke the disciples, he didn't rebuke them because of their questions, but because of their lack of faith when he was obviously present with them. That's the crux of this text - this narrative shows how the disciples reacted when they were present with Jesus, how much more are we prone to fear when our Jesus, Our God, Our Redeemer, cannot sit with us as a tangible presence while we sail into stormy seas? You see, I don't think Jesus desires us to quit asking questions, but instead, to seek after God when we are in stormy seas, and remember that our questions will be answered, though frustratingly in “the fullness of time,” and that in whatever storm we pass through, we are never without a God of Peace.

When Jesus spoke, he spoke peace into existence over winds that threatened the disciples. As believers called to be Christ in the world today, when we speak violence, we do not create peace. When we speak hate, we do not cause others to feel loved. God has the ability to breathe creation into existence; God also has the ability to breathe peace into the hearts of the disciples in this text -- but not only in this text. God continually breathes peace and love into the heart of the Church, building community through God's own creation of loving, welcoming homes and parishes. The Church Universal is called to be Jesus in the world and so, we are called to speak peace into existence into the lives of our friends, family, and anyone we come into contact with when the lives around us are thrown into stormy seas of turmoil. When we find ourselves in storms of injustice, we are asked to speak love and never be silent - we are asked to speak on behalf of the wounded so that through our outward expression of the inward hope we have, others may have hope and be healed.

Hearkening back to Barbara Brown Taylor, again she writes, “What appear to be death throes may be the strenuous pangs of birth.” In this text, maybe it’s both. As a Sacramental body, we are wise to remember the setting of this text – the sea. A perfect place for a baptism. The disciples find themselves weak in fear and scared to death. Pun intended. And because of Jesus, and Jesus alone, they are redeemed in that boat on those waters and in the wake of seeing Jesus’s power, believe in the glory of God when they once doubted. We who are baptized have also entered into this same sublime sea.

Speaking of the setting, the sea is a very primal entity to be what surrounds the disciples and Jesus in this text. There's no stop along the way to the other side to ask for directions. There's no GPS to ensure they know the way. There's no life preserver on board just in case a storm comes. Instead, they are taken into this completely natural setting with only one Savior - Jesus. Again, we too, as baptized believers, are not always given assurance that we know the way, or assurance that we will face no storms, but are assured that there is a Savior.

When the storms come in this primal sea, I think of creation - the cosmos coming about because God made order out of chaos. Exegetical studies explain that the word for “storm” in the text is also the word for “whirlwind.” The disciples were led into a sea of disorientation that led them away from the faith they had when they left the shore so willingly. In addition, scholars note that this same word for “storm” carries overtones of demonic power. In addition, the words “Peace! Be Still!” are the same words used by Jesus to heal a man possessed by a demon in an earlier Marcan text. When in these waters, it is almost as if the disciples were possessed by fear and doubt, and their hearts of faith were disoriented by their human reaction to fear and doubt the power of the very “ruler of Nature” that slept peacefully beside them in that boat on the sea.

I wonder if when we, as humans, are made from primal elements, some of those natural elements include fear and doubt, because that is how we are so naturally inclined to respond to the storms of our lives. And, because God knows us so intimately as our Creator, God places Jesus in the boat, so that someone can say to us, "Peace! Be still!" when we forget what it's like to feel peace and forget what it's like to know stillness. To go back to what Reed said, maybe doubt and faith steal silently into our hearts because they are a part of our creation. We have faith that there must be someone to save us when we are dry, but in the stormy waters we fear.

As I studied this text, something from the Book of Common Prayer kept coming to my mind. As many of you may know, I am currently being led into a life of uncharted waters as an aspirant for Holy Orders. One of my earliest assignments from Father Jeff was to read a certain prayer every single day, which I have tried to do. Surprisingly, with a somewhat scary text to preach on, it’s a thanksgiving – A General Thanksgiving, found on page 836 of the Book of Common Prayer. I use this to close, because I think the heart of this text may be to trust in God, as hard as that is, and in all things, to try to say – thanks be to God.

Let Us Pray:

Accept, O Lord, our thanks and praise for all that you have done for us. We thank you for the splendor of the whole creation, for the beauty of this world, for the wonder of life, and for the mystery of love.

We thank you for the blessing of family and friends, and for the loving care, which surrounds us on every side.

We thank you for setting us at tasks, which demand our best efforts, and for leading us to accomplishments, which satisfy and delight us.

We thank you also for those disappointments and failures that lead us to acknowledge our dependence on you alone.

Above all, we thank you for your Son Jesus Christ; for the truth of his Word and the example of his life; for his steadfast obedience, by which he overcame temptation; for his dying through which he overcame death; and for his rising to life again, in which we are raised to the life of your kingdom.

Grant us the gift of your Spirit, that we may know Christ and make him known; and through him, at all times and in all places, may give thanks to you in all things. Amen.

please?

i don’t want to care about anyone anymore. and i don’t even mean this in a romantic way, just in a general way (though it applies to my romantic feelings too).

question: can a future priest quit caring about people?

answer: it’s hard to serve people when you don’t care about them.

okay, i’ll keep caring, but sometimes it kills me to do so.

the issue of love.

obviously, the issue of gay marriage has been big in the media lately, so there's been a flood of commentary. most people that know me understand that while i am heterosexual, i absolutely adore just about every gay person i've ever met and want for them the same rights they want for themselves. that said, i've been watching the news and it's gotten me thinking. i have some questions i'm thinking about that i'd like to put into writing and open up to discussion.

disclaimer: i'm writing this from a Christian perspective, to create discourse about the issue of homosexuality as being a negative aspect to a person in the Christian community. because it's from a Christian perspective, i'm going to say things that won't be widely agreed with by people who don't associate themselves with Christianity. i'm not making these assumptions to be Christocentric, but instead, just to be clear about my thoughts on this issue in the Christian community.

so, God is love. i believe that with my whole being. and, if God is love, that means that God would be the author of love. God would write into all of creation the need for love and the desire to have and give love; God would breathe into the cosmos the breath of life and love. if this is true, and that God is love, wouldn't God be the sole authority on what love is? and if that's the case, and only God can define love because God is the source from which love comes, why do humans like myself quickly decide that we know how to define what love is, or what love isn't?

i heard a man on larry king tonight say this and i think it sums up my thoughts on the matter -- "You can't limit God; You can't limit Love."

naturally, this doesn't have to be completely about prop 8, but it was the prop 8 issue that got this on my mind. thoughts are welcomed :)

the chronicles of crazy -- health.

hey guys,

i took my first zoloft today and we're just going to see how this goes. i chose to start this medication while i was still in the troy/montgomery area so that i would be in an environment i am used to, so that i guess my body didn't go through any out of the ordinary shock that resulted in negative side effects from the medicine. i know it takes a month or two to kick in, but i figure the side effects can probably kick in immediately, so i'm going to closely monitor how i feel in the coming weeks. today, i felt fine, though really tired, which could have simply been the two benadryl i took the previous night around midnight due to allergies.

anyway, i'm continuing talk therapy once i get back in troy, but am going to do that alongside zoloft so that if anything negative happens my therapist/doctor is close by to respond to my reactions.

generally speaking, i look forward to maybe getting back some of the chemical balance that i think my mind lacks. furthermore, i don't know if i blogged this or not, but my blood work said i was anemic, so i started an iron supplement last night. i'm very positive about regaining my mental and physical health.

as always, keep me in your prayers/thoughts and remember -- it takes someone strong to get help, so don't hesitate to do so if you think you need it. almost every single day i feel crazy for feeling the way i do and for needing help, but i quickly realize how crazy i would be to refuse help and try to figure myself out completely. best wishes to each and every one of you that needs help -- you're human, and i applaud you for who you are and the strength you have. :)

blessings,
erin

just in case you didn't know...

i graduated!

thanks for everyone's inspiration & love. couldn't have done that without you :)

summer reading list suggestions.

hey everyone,

i'm taking suggestions for my summer reading list :) leave some comments with books you <3 and maybe i'll read them and <3 them too. if no one comments or i just read everything assigned by my priest/already on my list fairly quickly into the summer, i'll just try to read the complete works of salman rushdie [excepting satanic verses which i have already read] in like a month :) i may even try to keep myself to reading (or attempting to read) a whole book every week. anyway, suggest something!

blessings,
erin

the chronicles of crazy -- i stopped counting.

so, a lot has been going on - good and bad. i've dealt with a few situations of extreme depression [there was one whole weekend of awful, and another night that was about the worst one of my life], balanced (sort of) by incredibly great times with good people [wilco, ray lamontagne, and wesley semiformal].

i'm graduating in less than two weeks, so my life is changing. i don't have anywhere to live yet this summer in troy, am worried about paying rent wherever i do live, etc etc. on top of that, i don't know where i am moving for grad school. things have changed a bit with my plans, as i'm getting financial aid back from schools. now it seems i will move to either new york city or austin, tx. i've never been to austin, but it sounds rock-freaking-awesome. everyone who's been there thinks i'll love it. i've had days where i feel good about myself, and days where i hate my body. sometimes i'm completely okay with being single, then other times i feel like the loneliest person alive. all this is to say that i have many contributing factors to my anxiety/depression.

the biggest update is simply that i've continued my therapy and my therapist says i'm making improvements. we've discussed how to deal with emotions so that they don't become consuming, yet being honest with them and actually DEALING with them also. in other news, she and i have discussed antidepressants and i will be put on them soon. this summer in troy will be a good testing ground for me figuring out if medication is good for me.

my stress levels are ever surging and depleting, but i'm trying to continue being a support to my friends and a strong woman myself.

i'll blog again once i am on antidepressants, just to give updates on what exactly i'm on and my thoughts about taking medication for my emotions.

hope everyone reading is doing quite well :)

thomas the faithful.

i preached this sermon today at the troy wesley foundation's CHURCH -- it's based on this week's lectionary text. john 20:19-31.

--

Thomas the Faithful

In the gospel text today, we find a story that has had much commentary over the years. In my past, I always heard that Thomas was the "doubter," and had a sensitive heart towards his dilemma. The truth is - we are all Thomas, and you have all heard that. Being Thomas is unavoidable. We each desire to touch God and know God so intimately that we can see and touch those wounds that Christ not only died of, but lived through. Still, the fact remains, we are not necessarily meant to.

There is a poem by Geoffrey Hill, the Anglican poet, that reads:

By blood we live, the hot, the cold,
To ravage and redeem the world:
There is no bloodless myth will hold.

And by Christ's blood are men made free
Though in close shrouds their bodies lie
Under the rough pelt of the sea;

Though earth has rolled beneath her weight
The bones that cannot bear the light.

There is the distinct idea within this gospel text that, to these disciples, there has to be some flesh and blood behind Jesus for them to have faith in his resurrection. While many want to make Thomas the doubter, we have to realize that the other disciples proclaimed joyfully about their interaction with Jesus because..... Well, they had looked at him. All Thomas asked for was the same opportunity. With that said, something about the disciples made them want to see Jesus in the flesh - there is no bloodless myth will hold. By blood, they lived, and were made free.

But, what about 2009? What do we do with this? When Thomas asked to touch Jesus's wounds, something really beautiful happened - God answered his prayer, whether the prayer had some audacity in it or not. As people living the life of Thomas, desiring to see and touch God, yet having to live on faith in what we do not see, God is still faithful to answer our prayers - God does so through the Church. In our baptism we are adopted into the transcendent body of the Church that ushers us into eternal life while we are still in mortile flesh. God offers us each other, calling us to touch the wounds and the flesh of our neighbors and be healers to those we love who need us, or even those we don't love that need us. God answers that prayer through the very tangible sacrament of the Eucharist, in which we touch the flesh of God in the bread and the blood of God in the wine. God answers our prayers through nourishing us with Word and Sacrament and relentlessly reminding us that while we may not be able to realize we stare into the face of God, we do - we just can't recognize our own, the same beautiful broken sinful people we are exactly like, as being mirrors of an infinite God. Still, the fact remains, we are made in God's image, adopted into God's family, changed in the waters of baptism into Christ's own, and part of a heavenly kingdom still trapped on earth. We are a part of this myth, this myth of flesh and blood that envelops us daily -- for there is no bloodless myth will hold.

To close, I want to leave you with some lyrics by Alli Rogers from her song, "Iowa." She's from Iowa, and this is about her leaving home. While I understand that as being the surface text, I also see a subtext - a text of yearning, of not understanding how to part with something that is loved, a text of questions, of being torn, of being broken, but -- above it all -- a text of living on faith and hope in an infinite God. I think we could all learn something in realizing that in living post-Ressurection, we are a field after harvest, trying to sow under a new sky. The process of having a soul that's weathered, yet green. Enjoy.

The song reads:

People change, families grow
There are hands I am holding that I didn’t know
back when home was a place
and I thought that growing up was a phase

There are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change

Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa

My soul is weathered but green
When a storm passes over the roots are unseen
until all is laid bare
and the hope that I needed was already there

Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa

And there are wrinkles on my hands that weren’t there
when I started making plans
and plans change, but you haven’t changed

Iowa, I don’t know how to leave you
don’t know how to tell you goodbye
Iowa, I am a field after harvest
sowing under a new sky, Iowa

trust.

so, when i first realized i had to answer my call to ministry so that i could find peace for myself, a single song really sealed the deal on me doing so and not neglecting who i am, and who i believe i am meant to become. well, today has been just as beautifully horrifying as answering a call to the priesthood. from the outset of pursuing this call, i realized i would be called to "trust the process" and that "my life is no longer my own." it sounds scary, just to hear that idea... but today, i realized how scary it is to have it stare you in the face, and how scary it is to answer to it. after today, i've returned to the same song of questions that i asked myself upon accepting this call. so, here it is, the hymn that continues to change my life:

"the summons"

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?

Will you go where you don't know and never be the same?

Will you let my love be shown?
Will you let my name be known,

will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?



Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?

Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?

Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?

Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?



Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?

Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?

Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,

and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?


Will you love the "you" you hide if I but call your name?

Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?

Will you use the faith you've found to reshape the world around,

through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?



Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.

Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.

In Your company I'll go where Your love and footsteps show.

Thus I'll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

blessings to each of you that read this night. be praying for me, that i am a servant of beautiful faith and that in doing so, i am given the peace i so desire and yearn for. whatever happens, i do trust my priest and my bishop -- i believe they truly love me as a person and want the best for me, so that maybe i can do something for the church, with God's help. i do trust the process, i just hope i am brave enough to make it through. and with that, another song that means a lot to me right now, though a lot of the lines are much harder than they sound i am learning that:

"if i'm brave" by alli rogers

I will find my place
I don't know what's going on today
But lead me down
Whatever path has led me here
I may never conquer this fear

But you have never left me
I have sunken inward and scattered out again
And you have never left

And if I'm brave I will find my place
Maybe courage is not all they say
'Cause I have found
That the sweetest moment on this road
Is moving forward, not knowing where to go

And you have never left me
I have broken down
And danced around your truth
And you have never left

And if I'm brave I will
If I'm brave I will move through fear
Through circling around and nothing's ever clear
I will find my place, through jumping up and down
And I still can't see your face

But you have never left me
I have run away and denied your name
And you have never left
You have never left me
And if I'm brave I will, if I'm brave

i'm trying to say, in all things, thanks be to God. love you all.

myself.

i'm having a really hard time with myself right now and i think i just need everyone to be patient with me or something.
i'm a mixture of an eating disorder, anxiety, depression, and much more.
i just feel ugly and disgusting.
if i'm distant, it isn't you, it's absolutely me. i'm in a state of trying to work my way out of hating myself and it isn't easy.
i'm very hurt, by everything. if you're reading this and think you had something to do with it, you probably didn't. i just hate myself. it's a me to me thing.
i'm not going to take very well to compliments, or possibly even to some help right now. it isn't that i'm unappreciative, i just don't think i'll believe it right now.
i really just don't believe in myself and i need to try to figure out what's wrong with me.
i'm sorry to anyone who looks up to me. i always want to be a person of strength, but rarely am. i feel like a let down, but there comes a point where i just have to try to let myself hurt.
i'm only making this public because i swore to myself i would be transparent with how i feel, starting earlier this year, so i am only trying to keep that promise to myself.
i'm seeing a therapist and will try to work this out.
i guess i am writing this so that maybe people won't wonder what's wrong with me, or think i'm weird or rude for how i may react to you. i'm just hurt, and i can't help it.

a sonnet.

please, forget the rain - the memories
like drops collected into pools of cold.
the dogs would yelp and take away our peace.
we lay in fields of lilies, words untold.

please, on thursday leave the altar bare
and never let your feet touch basins of
holy water. then, a vacant stare
from your old friend, that sacred flighty dove.

please, earnestly step forward free
to speak a solemn word for those who live
silent and broken and abandoned in the
holy space - looking into faith as a sieve.

so in the hour of our death we find
a stitch of peace and glory undefined.

the american robin.

The American Robin

At the dawn of Spring a robin nests
In windowsills of old money homes.
This, the second of her broods. She waits
For fledglings that live in Nature's Easter eggs.
Pure and new - those children will share in grace.
The Blessed Mother rises up on - no,
Not some eagle's wings - but her own,
And courage courses through her brick-red breast.
Time - Springs Forward - Her children born
Unto this world; Children broken from the
Azure shell. Her home - just mud to hold
The grass and twigs. Lined too with softer brush.
And at the birth no song can top her hymn:
Cheer-up, cheerily, cheer-up, cheerily.

the chronicles of crazy -- for anyone still wondering.

i should update you all on the newest installment of my awesomely bad mental health, if any of you have been wondering how i'm doing. what can i say, it's been a while, eek!

things have been improving. as you may know, i went to a therapist for a while, but i am no longer visiting her. i am very thankful for the counseling i was offered, but there is a certain "fit" a person needs to have with their therapist, and i don't think we had it. i appreciate and enjoy her as a person, but it just didn't work out.

this past week i visited a new therapist, and things were positive, though i should mention it was a very "informational" meeting, because it was my first with her. we talked about a ton of things. she said she picked up some generalized anxiety disorder in the things i said, and depression. because of how bad my physical health has gotten lately, she's set me up with an appointment to have a physical examination and blood work done on wednesday, so that should be interesting. i definitely want to know how this ol' body of mine is doing.

outside of therapy, things have been interesting. currently, i feel the most existentially sound i have ever felt in my life. i haven't really necessarily "blogged" this, but as of march 6th i took the first step towards the process to the priesthood within the episcopal church. you have no earthly idea the peace it has given me to just accept that call and set myself forward in that endeavor, after discerning who i am.. and whose i am (thanks, father jeff). to show you the peace i have -- for the past 6 months up to march 6th, i didn't wake up and remember any dreams. after march 6th, i've woken up *everyday* and remembered dreams! it sounds like a nerdy stupid thing, but my therapist says i'm finally reaching REM sleep again, and i think a lot of that is because of this peace i've found in being confident in who i am, and who i am becoming.

now, don't read this wrong -- i still have a lot of junk to work out with myself. for one, my self-esteem is awful lately. i hate about everything about my body and rather than having day or two per week that i dislike myself, it's a rarity for me to actually like myself, and how i look. some of you know and some of you don't, but i've struggled with having an eating disorder from middle school to now, off and on, and it's surfacing as of late, which i'm going to have to divulge to my therapist soon. ugh. so, obviously, things aren't ponies and rainbows, but i have a lot of hope and i know there are people who can help me.

in short, all of life has positives and negatives -- i am taking everything in stride, with God's help. :)

ps -- small shout out: every week i meet with my priest so that i can properly "read, mark, learn, and inwardly digest" a plethora of things to prepare me for this spiritual journey i am on. in our meetings, we talk, and my priest is someone i consider the absolute best counselor/therapist i have. he is very perceptive, and compassionate, and we're very similar. he understands a lot of me that i think others don't, so any progressions i've made with my awesomely bad mental health most likely find some of their strength in his guidance and support. my church (st. mark's episcopal church -- troy) can also be credited as being my very present help in many times of need. :)

ten dollars.

"Ten Dollars"

If there were a time to show someone that I
love God and people, it was in that moment.
Sitting on a subway, a man sat far
away from me, but his stench sat close by.
His clothes were torn and stained, and hair was some
sort of refuse of strings, held together by a
cloth that was maybe a hat for a while, but then
could only pass for a piece of fabric as dirty
as he was. The man held a bag of trash that he
stared at, as if he needed it - like it was
all he had. He bent himself over, to
hide his face I believe, and invested his eyes
in his pants, or the floor. I ended up on
that car, because when it flew by, it looked
empty and I don't like to be cramped.
A business man walked on as quick as I did;
We both eventually smelled him, before
we saw him. We reacted. I, breathing through
my mouth, moved away from him. The business
man darted, obviously, across the subway. I
think he thought he could share the story of the
man with those further down on the cart, as if the
poor man's smell hadn't introduced him
a while ago. Something in my spiritual being
churned - it was easy to affirm,
conceptually, the first and second commandment,
but to actually love God and love others
was a stretch. So, I plunged my hands
into my pockets, just to feel a ten dollar
bill. I decided the money wasn't mine
anymore, but had a Higher Power it answered
to, so I'd let it go. Still, I think there was
something truly sublime about loving
him - whether it was his clothes, or his
stench, or the fact he couldn't look me in the eye.
Something about loving him scared me; something
about looking at him made me hate my
skin, simply because it was clean. But, I didn't
want to sell my possessions either. I could
do plenty of things, but instead, I'll buy myself
a remedy for my guilt complex - it costs
ten dollars.

breaking the silence.

i haven't written in a while, so i better get to that.

what's going on in my life? a lot of things i won't detail on the blog, but plenty that i will. i turned 22, applied to 4 out of 5 graduate schools, went to a diocesan convention for the central gulf coast, fell even more in love with the episcopal church and st. mark's specifically (i didn't even know it was possible to love it more), and am allowing prayer to direct me in many areas of my life.

on saturday, i'm flying for the first time. i am very nervous. my prayers have been said and my priest gave us a travel blessing. that's all i need, right? oh, wait, i forgot -- i am trying to get some anxiety pills and i bought dramamine. for modern medicine, thanks be to God!

that's all i can really tell you right now. i'm burned out and off to bed, but i wanted to update. please have me in your thoughts/prayers/whatever you do as i fly for the first time, but more importantly as i do my interview at general theological seminary, my semi-interview at union theological seminary, and as i travel to harvard. i just want to be myself, and for who i am to make an impression. my fingers are crossed!

thanks for any and all encouragement i receive. i appreciate each and every one of you reading :) blessings to you!

PS -- i got THIS poster for my birthday, and it is THE BALLS. INSATIABLE BATMAN BALLS! i love fred o'neal. :)

the chronicles of crazy (part 2) -- a week with no therapy.

it's been a while since i've written anything about my awesomely bad mental health. let's see, things haven't really changed much, to be honest. this semester generally (especially after my one meeting with the therapist) have been better, but since the thursday before last, nothing drastic has changed.

this past thursday, my therapist had to be out of town, so no therapy. instead, i was given forms and questionnaires to fill out. i pretty much hate these sort of things, because questions are asked in a very "black or white" way, that obviously need explanation, or the correct answer is "well, sometimes, but not too much." instead, i have to pick "true" or "false." for some, my answer was "true/false" and if she asks, i'll explain.

i also got a different survey thingy that had some less than desirable results. there's a list of questions like "have you felt ___ lately?" "have you struggled with ___ lately?" and you answer yes or no. if you have (i think) 15-17 "yes" answers you may suffer from mild depression. if you have over 18, you may suffer from severe depression.

i answered "yes" to 23 questions. we'll see how that pans out. bleh.

on a different note, recently a friend of mine and i got together, just to find out that we both were dealing with the same sorts of issues. this friend isn't the only person that has said to me something to the effect of "yeah, i go to therapy too" or "i'm actually on zoloft" or "i dealt with that a few years ago, i'm glad you're going to get help, it really helped me." it really is interesting how i, for a whole semester, felt like i couldn't be real with myself about how i feel, while others did the same thing, just to find out that neither of us was alone. i'm already finding a lot of solace in the people around me, so here's hoping i can offer some support to those who need it also.

the chronicles of crazy -- part one.

well, after my info-splooge about all of my mental health issues via le facebook and blogspot, i made the ultimate decision to keep being open about where i'm at mentally. i'll try to track progress, as well as pit falls, and keep those of you who desire to be a part of the loop, part of it. naturally, i probably won't keep it TOO honest, but i don't mind being open with people in attempt to a) be real with myself b) encourage others through whatever they have going on c) hopefully break down some of the stigma people place on anxiety/depression.

i went to the therapist today for the first time in my life. i was pretty much sick to my stomach at the idea of it, because it's new to me, and was nauseous when i entered. i don't trust very well, so i didn't let too much of my guard down today in our meeting. we basically talked about every day stresses, like school, and haven't gone any deeper than that. there was one question that got the answer of "i had a rough childhood and have a bad relationship with my father," but as soon as my voice broke i put that conversation to rest. i'm pretty sure eventually i will end up bawling every thursday, but not this thursday. i need time to build trust, which she spoke about today, in a very understanding way.

okay, time to break in with some funny moments:

1) when i entered after introduction she turned to me and said, "so, what's going on?" and i said "not much, how are you?" and immediately wanted to get up and leave for being an idiot. inner dialogue responded: "wtf erin, she didn't say 'sup, man?' she asked you what's going on in your life that makes you need therapy, ZOMG." now, i can laugh about it.

2) she brought up john calvin (her degree is technically in christian counseling, so spiritual matters get talked about a lot) and i thought that she was going to like, praise his theology.... then she totally slammed it. i decided that she can totally be my therapist now. ;) (j/k to any reformed fans out there, it just isn't how i engage God.)

okay anyway, basic consensus is -- i don't take care of myself mentally.

this lack of care for my mental health ends up being bad for physical health, also. while i think i knew this about myself subconsciously, being told that verbally should be helpful. part of that whole "being real" thing. when asked about my daily schedule, i told about my 18 hours of classes, to which she laughed and said "and you wonder why you're dealing with anxiety!" i laughed too, because i know that half the stress i have is what i've taken on.

we talked about triggers, which i guess i've always known were there, but never really realized they affect me as much as they apparently (OMG OBVIOUSLY) do. little things that tap into my psyche and snowball into "i suck" feelings.

anyway, she taught me a breathing exercise -- benson's relaxation technique (i wrote down the formal name so that i could talk about it properly in my blog.... NERD HANDS NERD HANDS) -- which has been ridiculously effective. therapy actually made me REALLY stressed, so i decided to take a short nap when i got back. end result? 30 minute nap stretched to 2 hours, and benson's relaxation technique got me to sleep quickly. i'm impressed. i usually NEVER nap that well.

she also advised me to make to-do lists for the next day before i go to bed, so that i'm not so concerned with everything i need to get done. i need to start journaling whatever issues i have throughout the day (most end up being triggers). lastly, she told me i need to start giving myself time for daily exercise (which i need to schedule ASAP) even if it is just taking a walk. but, the trick to taking walks apparently, is not to think about stressful things. pick something, meditate on it, and repeat it while you walk. we'll see how that goes. and then, the session ended with a prayer.

all in all, a good thing, but always tough. i think while it is going to be helpful to be raw about how i am, who i am, what i am... it takes a lot of struggle, and hopefully results in perseverance. we'll see how things go. until next time, i'm going to go soak up the juicy sleep goodness of benson's relaxation technique.

2008 in review.

i've learned....

1-- the episcopal church is beautiful.
2-- very little competes with sam beam live.
3-- i trust my priest more than most people in my life, srsly.
4-- generally speaking, i should trust most people less.
5-- my skills in writing have actually improved.
6-- the things i write are apparently controversial, and hopefully that will fuel a career one day.
7-- being vegetarian isn't as difficult as i thought.
8-- while being a vegetarian is cool, i want to be vegan, but first need a kitchen.
9-- it's okay to ask for help.
10-- stuffwhitepeoplelike.com is one of the funniest websites i'm aware of.
11-- washington d.c. is entirely too cool.
12-- taking the eucharist and my baptismal vows mean the world to me. i also look forward to partaking in all the sacraments as my life progresses.
13-- tuesday nights at village coffee make my week.
14-- blue moon is my favorite beer (with an orange, please).
15-- all i want to do right now is see more, read more, learn more.
16-- unlike most people, i am literally giddy about going to graduate school.
17-- i actually have what it takes to be published (am up to 3 publications currently).
18-- i really want to move up north, or at least somewhere that isn't "the south."
19-- i truly believe in the beauty of an all inclusive Church and cannot see myself in a church that doesn't hold those principles.
20-- i really don't like Christian music, except for a few groups/artists and hymns, because i think if you're going to write songs for God you should write good lyrics.
21-- i really want to go hiking and camping.
22-- there is a lot of my skin i'm still trying to get comfortable in.
23-- i'd like to write not only for myself, but also so that others can try to find the same peace i desire.
24-- i lurve LOLcats and typing like them. "z" can end just about every sentence.
25-- everyday i become more of a counselor to the people around me, and i don't mind that.
26-- i may or may not have a calling that i will have to come to terms with, but not right now.
27-- i love being delightfully irreverent. i think there should be more humor in the Church.
28-- often times, i'm a token. i'm also an ally. :) (if you get that, you get that.)
29-- DING.
30-- failblog.
31-- i'm allowed to think in church. it's a REALLY progressive concept, but it's pretty awesome. (jaykay -- see my comment about being "delightfully irreverent.") :D
32-- i don't ever want a computer that isn't a mac.
33-- i might actually be a little crazier than i thought i would be. it is fun to be free.
34-- i like my men "trashy" (thanks, joseph). and by trashy, i think he and i should really just say "heterosexual, with long hair or facial hair, kthx." ;)
35-- i want to read more philosophy/lit theory in my free time. so i can be smart.
36-- i want to pursue studies in feminist/gender studies in graduate school, because my women's lit class opened me up to how studying one group of people who are subjugated leads to the study of many groups of people who are subjugated.
37-- arundhati roy's "the god of small things" might be my favorite novel. it competes strongly with cormac mccarthy's "the road."
38-- i really AM anglican. like, i think/act like one, too, and have adopted the anglican lexicon. woo!
39-- i love googlereader and other cool internet-y things that i can do cuz i have a cool computer n stuffz. :)
40-- the writing center is a super cool place to work. i love my job, my co-workers, and my boss (mrs. b). it's like a really cool job that has a really cool family.
41-- i want a cat.
42-- clare burson may be my favorite female vocalist.
43-- i really wanna go to kerala, india. and russia.
44-- my facebook IS CONTROVERSY. erin warde = real-o-meter red.
45-- no matter how much you love God you may never learn how to count or spell.
46-- fstdt.com.
47-- sometimes when you disagree with someone spiritually (or say "shit"), people tell you that you're a tool of satan.
48-- gerferberder is how i roll.

that's all i have right now. :) thanks to everyone who made 2008 really awesome and transformative. lurve y'all.